


These Taming Blues

by Thoullux



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-07
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-28 12:42:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 54,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/674521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thoullux/pseuds/Thoullux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first day you saw him, You liked him. You liked the hopelessly dorky way he smiles and gets you laughing like its the last time you ever will. In a few weeks he teases you with the idea of almost kissing you and you start falling for him; banging your head on every sharp object life can throw at you in the process. This is love. this is falling in love with Gamzee.<br/>~~~~~<br/>Tavros Nitram  has been in New York a few months after running away from his home in Arizona. He thought NYC would be one big party, but he didn't count on getting into drugs, starving, and being homeless.The one upside to living there is meeting Gamzee Makara in the library where he works.  After making the decision to steal money from Eridan Ampora after a one night stand Tavros finds himself blackmailed into being Eridan's "Pet" and on the verge losing the one guy he think's he's ever really cared about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1: In which you are shameless

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys thanks for reading, Sorry the chapters are a bit lengthy they'll shorten up in future chapters. -KB

 

You roll over in a mass of sheets sweaty, sticky and hot just before dawn on the lower east side. You rub your eyes and throw the dark purple blankets off of you, taking a minute to appreciate the warmness of a bed which you have not had in a long time.

You turn to your left and see the person you’d come home with after hanging around at The Alley, a local nightclub you frequent and pretty much live at downtown. As the stranger next to you shifts you realize you’ve broken your rule by allowing yourself to fall asleep in someone else’s bed. You run a hand through your ruffled Mohawk and find your underwear on the floor near a chair and slip them on careful not to make a lot of noise.

 

You find other pieces of your clothes and pull them on while you fix your hair in the mirror. In the reflection you see your date roll over and make soft bubbling noises in his sleep which makes you laugh a little.

Grabbing your glasses off of his dresser you notice his wallet and look back over at him.

_Come on Tavros even this is below you, you can’t possibly be considering taking his wallet?_

You’re conscious fights with you and out of guilt you only reach inside and take enough for cab fare and slip out of the door but not before looking back at your date and snickering at how cute he looks when he’s sleeping; you appreciate it knowing you’ll never see it again.

Once you trot down the narrow stairs leading up to the guy’s apartment you realize just how nice of a place you actually slept in. You wander wide eyed around the lobby of the apartment building looking at the décor and cheery staff shuffling around. Taking a moment to button up your jacket you walk out into the cold air and hail a cab to east village knowing you’re too far from home to make it back now.

You only have one place you can go this late night and you dread the thought the whole way there. Your cabbie lets you off in front of the building and you run across the campus of your cousins college praying that curfew hasn’t passed so you can stay with him for just awhile to clean yourself up.

When you make your way onto his hall you thank the heavens that his hall is empty and no one’s around to bust you.

You knock on the door rapidly three times “Rufioh! Open up its Tavros” you whisper trying not to draw attention to yourself.

At a few minutes of not hearing a sound you knock again more forcefully hoping no one comes out to see what the ruckus is.

You let out a sigh of relief when you hear the groan of bed springs and heavy footsteps pad towards the door.

The big wooden door flies open and a mess of red and black hair spoke out to reveal a clearly sleepy Rufioh. Your cousin Rufioh is pretty much the only one you really know in this whole city and the only one you can go to when you’ve got yourself in a bit of a dilemma. Rufioh’s big dark eyes plead with you while he clears his throat.

“Yeah..? What is it Tav?”  He whispers which confirms your worst fear, that Rufioh’s long time partner Horuss is sleeping over and he really doesn’t want to wake him. You shift your weight around uncomfortably before coming out with it

“Uh could I please sleep here and maybe clean up a bit? I swear I won’t bother you and Horuss.” You bit down on your lower lip hoping that sleep is all you are interrupting for your favourite cousin. He looks back in the darkness and sighs heavily before opening the door fully and letting you in.

“Thanks a lot.” You whisper trying to make your way through the dark to the center of the room to borrow some of Rufioh’s clothes. You’re sure they won’t really fit seeing as he isn’t as lanky as you are but you’ve started remembering to eat a bit more which should fix that.  Rufioh digs through his drawer to hand you a shirt and some clean underwear being ever so careful not to rouse Horuss who you can see on the bed shirtless with a blanket covering his lower half.

“Don’t worry about him, he’s out cold.” Rufioh puts a hand on your shoulder and points you towards their bathroom.

You get almost to the door when you feel something catch around your ankle and you try to step out of it but just end up making it worse and falling down and taking something else down with you.

“Oh god really Tavros?! It was less than ten steps, less than ten!” Rufioh yells out, and which jerks Horuss awake. Thinking someone is trying to hurt Rufioh Horuss jumps up and switches on the light while you gather the shirt and underwear you’ve dropped.

“Oh Tavros it’s you, what on earth are you doing?---oh…oh dear” Horuss looks down and puts a hand over his mouth and started to stifle a laugh, Rufioh does the same and only then do you look around you to see what it was you tripped on

All around you are bright colored and different sized uh…phallic...toys. As you look around in horror you realize that worst of all, the straps on a strap on had tripped you and made you knock into the dresser where Horuss keeps his prized toys in the first place.

“OH MY GOD EWW!” You yell and jump up trying to get yourself as far away from them as possible. This action however, only causes Rufioh and Horuss to laugh even more uncontrollably. Feeling your face grow hot you angrily run into the bathroom with the clothes and yell for them to shut up or you’ll throw every single one of those things out of the window.

“God damn Horuss and his fucking weird ass dildos all over the place. Shit how is anyone supposed to learn anything here with those lying around?”  You gripe to yourself as you wait for the shower to get warm and step inside.

The moment the water hits your back you let out a deep sigh and close your eyes. You have to admit you’re a lot more tired than you even realized and it’s easy to forget that when you spend almost every single night partying in some the grubbiest parts of town till god knows when.

But this had been the life you wanted; you took off from your parent’s ranch in the Midwest in order to make things easier for them. They had been struggling for a while to make ends meet with feeding you and all your litter of siblings and being one of the oldest you always felt in the way.

One day after having to watch your father sell a lot of his old war memorabilia just to pay for your siblings field trips and groceries you knew that maybe getting a job wasn’t the best thing you could do for your family; but instead to leave their home entirely and make a home for yourself somewhere else so they had one less mouth to feed.

Naturally you didn’t want to go anywhere where you didn’t know anyone and you weren’t particularly close with any of your other aunts and uncles. At some point you had grown tired of bus hopping from state to state you called up your favourite cousin Rufioh at his college in Manhattan and asked to stay awhile.

Obviously you knew you couldn’t stay with Rufioh forever so you lied to him and said after a few days you had met someone who was letting you stay with them. Of course really what you had meant was that you had decided to sleep all day wherever, party all night and get so messed up  you didn’t have to remember all the sleazy things you had to do to get a free meal or a few hours rest.

You have been at this lifestyle for about four or five months and your body is getting more tired every day.

Shutting the shower off and drying off you pull on the shirt and fresh underwear you fell on a pile of dildos to get and lay down on the floor across from Rufioh’s bed.

“Did it all come out in the wash?” Horuss whispers throwing an arm over a half asleep Rufioh.

You stare at him for a moment wanting to just tell him everything but decided against it.

“Yeah, thanks. Sorry for waking you up.”  He just waves your words away and leans over to turn off the small lamp on the nightstand near you.

“It’s nothing, rest well now.”  He smiles before laying back down.

And for the first time in a few months you do.

 


	2. Chapter 2: In which you try drown in it

Chapter 2: In which you try drown in it

You dreamed about when you had run away from home and you walked on the side of the road in the dark for hours. Being afraid and wanting to turn back to a life you no longer could have was the only thing fueling you across state lines then.

That was the weakest time in your life, because you were tired of going forward but too afraid to go back.

The pain you always felt in that dream made you jerk awake soaked in your own sweat. A pile of covers had been piled on you in the middle of the night and you looked across from the pile you were sleeping on to see Rufioh and Horuss staring at you with worried expressions.

“What? What’s wrong?” you murmur wiping the last bit of sleep from your eyes.

“You…well you were shaking like you were cold last night so we put all the sheets on you, but then after awhile you were just…crying.” Horuss said softly.

Your face flushes a little and you stand up rubbing your aching back and pulling on your pants.

“Are you alright Tav?” Rufioh reaches out to tug at your shirt so you face them.

You nod quickly and grab all your clothes and quickly put them on. Beside you they give each other more worried glances knowing that from your silence they won’t hear from you again anytime soon.

That’s just who you’ve become, a quiet kind of drifter who runs away whenever people get a glimpse at how you really feel inside.

“Thanks for letting me stay here, sorry again for keeping you up and everything.” You shrug and quickly walk out of the dorm avoiding their eyes.

You practically run out of the building once you’re off their hall and don’t look back as you head away from the campus.

The twinge of pain in your stomach reminds you that you haven’t eaten in god knows when but that was okay. You had decided long ago when you had been trying to get to New York that you needed that twinge of pain and discomfort to remind yourself that despite all you do that hurts you; you’re still alive.

After you get to the sidewalk you cross the street fairly quickly and decide to check on your only real friend in the city. Nepeta was a girl you had met while wandering the streets after a bad night at the club and she offered to show you a warm place if you promised not to tell anyone and you hadn’t, now you’ve been best friends ever since. You made your way down to the local storage units careful to check around and make sure no one was watching you or following you.

After a moment you tapped on the cold metal door and hoped she was home.

You heard the click of the homemade lock she had rigged so she could lock it without a padlock. The blue metal crinkled up and in the darkness her bright smile greeted you.

“Tavros, I’ve missed you so much!” she squealed and soon her thin frame was hugging you tightly. You’re heart ached to hold someone that thin, you always felt as if you would break her.

It had been a few weeks since you stayed there with her and she was looking a bit better, her curly dark shoulder length hair had a bit of a shine to it; what bits of it wasn’t hidden in her knit cap she always wore.

“I missed you too.” You let her go and quickly duck inside and pull the door down and lock it again. Inside the storage unit is thick bits of blankets covering the concrete where she slept and colorful drawings up on the walls held there in some places with tape or gum.

The first time she’d brought you here you liked that she had decorated it inside and even helped her put more colorful drawings up and  gotten a few flashlights so it felt more like home to her. Even after you’d started sleeping other places and going home with strange dates here and there you always made a promise to yourself to come and check on her. You knew all too well the risk of sleeping in a place like this, if she ever got caught they would throw her stuff out and she would be on the streets again.

You had brought up this topic a lot when you had first met and with sad eyes she had brushed the topic away by saying “That’s how it goes sometimes.” And from guilt you never brought it up again.

“So, where have you been? I’ve been worried about you.” She gets back under her blankets and fiddles with her nails.

“I’ve been here and there, last night at was at Rufioh’s.” You put your chin in your hand and sit cross legged in front of her picking at the tatters in her quilt.

“But now you’re feeling sad so you came to see me and make it worse.” She said cheerfully.

“What makes you think—?”

“Tavros, You’re one of very my best friends I’ve met out here and I know a lot about you. I know that you are always sad when you leave Rufioh’s and that you only come see me when something’s bothering you and—“

“That’s not completely true” You cut her off quickly. She lowers her head and fidgets with her hands all the while not breaking her smile though her eyes grow sad.

“Yes it is, and I also know that you come here when you’re sad because I make you sad.” She smiles up at you and you try to distract yourself with her cute overbite and the way it constantly causes her mouth to be parted as if she’s about to say something more but her heart won’t let her. You love the way she says everything in a cheerful tone even though she’s really feeling sad or pissed off at you.  You love Nepeta, she’s the best person you know.

But, she is right. Nepeta makes you sad because she always acts like nothing gets to her. When you had met her she told you the story of how she’d ended up sleeping in storage units and Laundromats across the city. When she was younger her mother had passed away from taking too many sleeping pills accidentally…or on purpose she was never really sure.

After that her father had taken care of her but he just ended up abusing her and berating her all the time for her looks or the way she acted. It had particularly broken your heart when she told you about being sent away by her father for an eating disorder she has yet to control, you almost couldn’t take when she had said the less she ate the less she felt her father hate her and the better she felt. It just didn’t matter what she did at the clinics he sent her to though, she always ended up running away or going back home and eventually she returned home one day to find her father had abandoned her without warning.

Nepeta is small, and childlike which often gets people to help her or give her money when she is on the streets even though she doesn’t really need it. She barely eats so the money doesn’t get spent on that and clothes were a thing she rarely needed, as long as she had a needle and thread to alter them as she grew and her personal style changed.

But somehow through all that she did manage to stay relatively happy and you guess you did sometimes come and see her when you were in a rut.

“Sometimes you do, but that’s because you’re the only best friend I’ve ever had and you make me worry about you.” You nudge her side and she pushes back at you smiling.

“I’ll try to do that less, but for now what should we do today Tav?” She pounces on your lap giving you a nudge with the fluffy cat eats on her hat.

“What do you mean? You actually feel in the mood to go out?” you raise an eyebrow remembering how hard you had tried to get her to go to the club with you or go anywhere for that matter.

“Well a girl only turns seventeen once you know.”She giggles and nuzzles your nose with hers.

“That’s true, I’m sorry I’m a lameass and forgot. Happy Birthday Nep’ ” You lean forward and hug her tight for a long time.

“It’s okay, so let’s go because I have money and I want to forget how old I’m getting.” She smiles and rifles through her backpack for the canister she kept all her money in.

You wait for her to get changed outside of the door and when she’s done she taps on the metal for you to open it from the outside for her. When you lift it up a clunky black boot jets out and she ducks out from under the door and helps you pull it down. When you’re done you look at her fully and a smile spreads across your face slowly.

She’s wearing black boots with a colorful knee length dress you could tell she probably scored from a thrift shop or free clothing bin. But it still looks nice and was long sleeved and shiny in the sunlight. She wore a little bit of lip gloss on her thin lips and her messy curls were pinned up with hairclips of various colors and sizes making her look a lot older than you’ve ever seen her.

“Wow…I feel incredibly under dressed now.” You laugh scratching at the back of your growing Mohawk. She eyes your loose blue jeans and stained blue band t shirt you got from a church.

“Really? Well let’s go find you something; I want this to really be the best birthday ever you know.” She links arms with you and you both start walking towards town.

 

                                                                     ҉

 

All morning you window shopped with her on the upper east side and listening to her go on about all the clothes and places you both would go if she had the chance. At some point she’d managed to drag you into a thrift shop and gather you an only slightly wrinkled white t shirt, black jeans that fit really well and even combed your hair with those little free black combs from a bin near the door in a barbershop.

At noon you start to get extremely hungry and nudge her towards a little burger shop with cheap food and she looks wearily at you before taking a sigh.

“I don’t think I want to go in there, it smells really good.” She bites down on her lower lip and looks up at you clutching your arm tightly.

“Please?”

You try to cross the street as quickly as you can, but start being honked at by a driver when you take a little longer dragging her across the crosswalk against her will. You’re face flushes with embarrassment for holding up traffic but she stops walking and flips them off. The driver in front is a stern looking man in a suit with a young boy with glasses in the front seat who looks overjoyed at her flipping off his dad.

You pull her along finally and walk into the little burger stand knowing already what you wanted and what she needed.

“How about we make a compromise okay?” You lead her to the counter holding her hand.

“I’ll get a burger or whatever, and you at least get soup, there’s minimal chewing involved, it’s just like a drink…a warm tasty drink _okay_?”  She nods and you commence ordering and decide to take a table near the window.

She decided on a fish soup that you didn’t question and watched her slurp it down and you watch her with fondness before tearing into your burger.

After a moment something of a shadow comes over you and you look to the window to see a group of finely dressed teenagers staring and pointing at you.

One of the girls points at Nepeta’s clothes and says something to a boy next to her and they chuckle as if they are viewing animals in a zoo. You Nepeta’s hand as she has her face buried in the bowl.

“Hey can I try some of that?” You say in a tone higher than expected, trying to distract her from looking out of the window but she turns anyway, her soup moustache dripping down her chin.

The kids commence laughing and point louder and through the crowd you recognize a familiar face that is not laughing. You search through your mind of everyone you’d met so far

_Where do I know that face? Where do I know that perfectly chiseled face from?_

Suddenly your mind flashes back to the night before, you had seen that face while leaving it behind at a very swanky hotel not far from here. You take a measure to hide your face even more considering you had taken money from the guy.

“Tavros…Do I look ridiculous?” Nepeta murmurs watching the posh kids saunter away mocking her one last time.

“What? No. I swear you look beautiful, those kids are just fucking…fucking assholes that’s all.” You look at her watching after them and know she’s not going to let it go.

After a second she pushes her bowl towards you silent tears slipping down her cheeks.

“Nepeta, Look those kids are just—

“I know.” She cuts in and reaches over to take your burger and take a big bite to stifle her sob.

You’re heart breaks watching her choke down the dry burger but the deed is done, who knows how far their taunting set her back as far as starving herself.

You put your face to the bowl and drink the soup hoping somehow you can drown in it.


	3. Chapter 3: In which you love a girl with a robin in her hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one got wicked long, so sorry <3

Chapter 3: In which you love a girl with a robin in her hair

After you had eaten Nepeta made an excuse about leaving something back at the storage units and said she would just see you at the club later that night. You frowned and held back tears watching her walk off knowing deep down that you might not see her again for awhile. It had taken a lot for her to come out with you in the day time and she encounters jerks like that.

After standing around for awhile you decide if you didn’t find some release you would never get out of your rut.

You walk back down the street towards a locally known dealer to get your hands on a goodie bag before you started your trek back towards the lower east side.

A goodie bag is what you called the little colorful bag of pills in your hand, full of samples of some of everything. You needed benzos and opiates and something to make sure you didn’t go to sleep for a few hours or feel your head, whichever came first. Taking a handful and darting into a library to a water fountain you took the brightly colored pills and turn to walk back out when you walk past a door with a funny noise coming from it. Backtracking you stand in the entrance and see an oddly dressed guy making sound effects as he read to a group of small children on a red rug.

You looked him over slowly, noticing the dark curly hair and handsome face sporting a huge smile. You lean against the doorframe letting this dorky grin spread across your face watching the guy pick up one of the kids and hoist them into the air and the other kids attack him playfully.

“No, don’t hurt me!” His deep voice squeaked and he pretended to fall to the floor defeated. A hank rests on your shoulder and you jump noticing a stern looking older woman behind you nod at you to let you know she was trying to get by.

She marched over to the tall dorky guy and began to scold him in front of the children.

“The hallways aren’t going to mop themselves mister Makara, You are lucky I believe in doing the Christian thing and hiring someone like you! Now leave those children alone and get back to work.” She huffed and led the children away quickly, each one of them looking back at him waving glumly. The sad guy just waved back with a half smile and went to putting the books back on the table.

You walk over as soon as the woman and children are out of site and stand at a table near him.

“That was really cute, well...before _she_ ruined it.” You smirk and he looks up at you with pretty dark eyes and a slight smile.

“Aw nah she’s totally okay, I just shouldn’t be all up and chilling with the little ones when I’m supposed to me mopping and whatnot.” He shrugs and grabs the mop and bucket leaning against the table.

You nod and try to stifle the smile twitching at the corners of your mouth at the way he talks. From all that you can see this guy is beautiful, dark skin and big doe eyes accentuated his broad smile and strange pajama like style of dressing. You walk next to him as he walked out of the door and into the hallway. Your body started to almost vibrate with the pills kicking in and you relax completely knowing this high was going to last and end well

“So…was there anything you wanted? I kind of have to get back to work, floors don’t up and motherfucking mop themselves.” He chuckled flashing that big smile again.

“Oh no, sorry I’ll get going man I just wanted to say you were really cute with those kids or whatever.” You nod ready to walk past him and his dorky smile when he grabs your arm startling you

“What’s your name man?”

“Tavros, Nitram. And you?” You hold a hand to him to shake but he slaps it really hard instead and you flinch.

“I’m Gamzee, Makara. Nice to meet ya’ ” he beams down at you stupidly.

“Gamzee…nice name; anyway, I’ll see you around maybe.” You shrug coyly and walk past him and out of the double doors onto the sidewalk. The moment you’re out of the door you squeal to yourself like a dork about how smoothly you had talked to the guy and for once you hoped you saw him again.

                                                                       ҉

You spend the rest of the day walking around giggling and enjoying your high despite the disturbances you caused no matter what public place you went into. As night fell you found your way back to Nepeta’s and knocked at the blue metal door for awhile before deciding she hadn’t come back there. You pulled your jacket’s collar up around your ears and made your way to the club hoping she would be there like she actually said.

When you walked in the club was already packed and a few of the regulars were already getting their buzz on as you made your way over to the bar. You smile up at the tall buff bartender handing out drinks as fast as he could to the people in front of you before he paused to wipe the sweat from his forehead and noticed you. A crooked smile formed across his face making his sunglasses clad face a lot less scary as he reached over and gave you a fist bump

“Nitram, where did you go last night? I was looking for you. Did you cut out early?” He bellowed his muscles flexing with every move he made behind the bar.

“Oh I was here and there.” You laugh looking down at the glass he put in front of you with a chocolate based drink knowing you couldn’t resist or refuse since it was on the house; then again all your drinks were.

He raised an eyebrow and handed a set of pink drinks to a girl next to you with a very low top.

“I hope you know what you’re doing man.” He said and you know exactly what he’s referring to. Equius has befriended you after some weirdo had tried to drug your drink after you had left to go the bathroom and stopped him before you went home with the guy. Ever since then and finding out he was Horuss’s cousin you had pretty much owed him your life and knew he hated the thought of you leaving the club with anything that was handsome and owned their own place but you had to get sleep and you had to get money somehow.

You shrug and sip on your drink slowly bobbing along to the music.

“Okay, okay, say no more. I won’t ruin your buzz, just be careful okay? Horuss asks me to look out for you all the time and I can’t very well let him down can I?” He smirks and gives your hand a swat before going back to being a touch guy and scaring any of the jerks harassing the ladies at the bar.

You finish your drink and nod a thank you at Equius as you make your way onto the dance floor. You had always been a great dancer and a few other club regulars were some of the best break dancers New York had to offer on the club scene, (at least in your opinion.)

You made your way over to the center of the dance floor gliding to the rhythmic dance music and nodding at your friends dancing alongside you. After awhile of dancing with various guys and girls you feel something small hit you on the head and look up at the rafters where the lighting was strung up to see Nepeta perched up there staring down at you.

Your heart jumps out of your chest wondering just how the fuck she had gotten up there and then shaking the thought away knowing you had accepted long ago that the girl might as well be part cat at this point.

You look up at her and mouth for her to get down this instant but she just smiles and goes back to admiring the ceiling above her whimsically and swinging her legs.

You rush through the crowd getting the attention of Equius who was chatting up a girl with red glasses on and a raspy kind of laugh.

“Please tell me there is some way you can get her down from there.” You pant and he looks at you confused

“My friend’s up there” You point up and he takes off his glasses to see Nepeta crawling dangerously on the rafters, the neon lights swinging underneath her weight.

“What the hell!? How did she get up there?” He yells and runs down the bar to ask someone to cover for him as he rushes up some stairs that lead to a door that says staff only. There was a balcony up there that used to be accessed in the 70s when the club first opened but after having too many young people jumping off or falling off to their death they had pretty much closed it off to the public.

You and a few other people were staring up at the so called “Kooky chick hanging from the lights.”

Your heart pounded hard in your chest watching Equius try and coax her down and she looked at him with some kind of interest before crawling back towards him.

You thank the gods and watch him reach out and pick her up in his arms and carry her through the door and all the way down the stairs and back over to the bar. Some people cheered and you laughed at how he just nodded from embarrassment.

He walks up to you holding Nepeta as if she’s as light as a feather and glares a bit at you.

“Is this lovely lady with you?” He said with a bit of agitation in his already rough voice.

“Nep, what the hell were you doing up there?” You grab her hand tightly.

“Well, I couldn’t find you and there were so many people, that I couldn’t see if you were here or not so I went up there to get a better look and everything looked so pretty from up there.” She smiled and talked so cutely and dreamy that you know she had gotten pills after she left you earlier and was still tripping.

“Hey, Can you put me down now?” She ran a few fingers through Equius’s long dark hair.

He coughed as if he was embarrassed and put her down without waiting for a thank you and went back to the bar.

You reach out to hug her and make her promise to stand on the ground floor and near you all night to make sure nothing happened to her.

She nodded of course and you both went back to the dance floor dancing with each other and other various people until she got tired and went to sit at a table near where you were dancing and nodded off. You put your jacket around her and made sure to look over and check on her every few minutes.

Towards midnight is where you usually went around the club looking for a date to go home with so you could sleep in a bed for once but since it was Nepeta’s birthday you had to make sure she got back safely.

You said goodbye the gentleman you were dancing with and helped a very sleepy but happy Nepeta up from the table and waved to Equius before stumbling out of the club. Outside the club a long line was waiting to get in long and winding around the block. You walked past the waiting club goers and throwing Nepeta’s arm around your shoulders and wondering if you had enough money to hail a cab at all.

A hand reached out and grabbed your arm and you jumped ready to defend yourself against any creep that was trying to take you from the sidewalk. You looked in the crowd and recognized the big smile across the face of the guy you’d met in the library.

“Oh hey Gamzee, small world man, how long you bee waiting to get in?” You nodded towards the front of the club. Nepeta mumbled something in her half sleep which caused a few of the people in the line to look away awkwardly.

“Just awhile, me and my bro Karkat here ain’t all up and complaining though.” He laughed nodding at the shorter more disgruntled guy next to him. You looked down at the mop of curly hair and glaring brown eyes and attempted to smile at him which got you an eye roll.

“Speak for yourself dumbass, this is the most massive waste of my already pathetic life I can imagine. I bet you this club sucks so much ass you wouldn’t believe.” He folded his arms over his chest.

“Oh by the way Karkat, this is Tavros, Tavros this is Karkat.” Gamzee half smiles and Karkat replies by just rolling his eyes which pretty much tells you not to bother going any further than that in the conversation.

“Right…well come on I’ll get you guys in, I’d join you but my friend Nepeta here is a bit  ready to crash out. It’s her birthday” You wiggle your eyebrows at her and she smiles through her daze

“Oh yess I’m the birthday girl, it...is me!” she yelled and giggled loudly as you walk back towards the entrance.

“Cheers to the Birthday girl then, here. “ The shorter guy takes out his wallet and hands her a twenty. She stares at it for a minute before lunging forward and hugging him against his will

“Oh god my first attempt at being nice and it gets me this? See I told you numb nuts. Being nice only gets you bad things.” He growled and then forcefully patted Nepeta’s back before forcing her to let go.

You ask the bouncer to let them in and Karkat pushes inside with a loud burst of “Fucking finally!” But Gamzee hangs back a moment.

“Too bad I didn’t get here sooner; we coulda chilled out and like mad geeked out together bro. Hey but maybe next time.”  He runs a hand through his mop of hair absently.

“Yeah maybe, well I gotta go for now, we’ll see each other again.” You smile and he lights up at the words. Waving like a complete dork before disappearing inside.

You drag a half limp Nepeta down the sidewalk again and around the corner where she toys with her money.

“Karkat is the most adorablest...adorable little angry cute man I’ve ever seen. And he gave me money for my birthday.” She smiled clearly still out of it.

“Yeah he sure is something.” You huff supporting most of her weight as you climb onto a bus dispensing the little bit of change you have into your pocket into the bus fare box.

“Speaking of birthday’s I thought you might like this.” You reach in your jacket pocket to find the robin hair clip you had bought at an outdoor market during the day for a few dollars. It was two robins perched on a brown branch glued to a hair clip; you’d thought it was cute and whimsical much like your best friend.

“You got me a present? You’re the best.” She smiled and managed to stand still without tipping over when you reach down to pin it in her mess of hair that was quite like a birds nest at this point in its own respect.

“Of course, we’re best friends forever.” You smile and continue on.

Only when you’ve got her on the bus headed back towards the units do you realize how truly tired you are. With the city blurring past you, you put an arm around a dozing Nepeta and smile as the noise she makes when she sleeps. Sometimes instead of getting trashed all the time, you tell yourself to try and stay clean so you can watch out for her, but you can never follow through. At least for today you did the right thing and that’s all you can do and leave  the rest of your worries for another day.


	4. Chapter 4: Freak the hell out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this ones a bit shorter^^ enjoy

Chapter 4: Freak the hell out.

Dirty, dusted in cocaine, with cigarette burns through your clothes and loud techno music throbbing in your ears; that is how you wake up two days later. You don’t know where you are but it looks and smells like the pits of hell. As you look around the dark room only dimply lit by glowing body paint and cell phone screens you only know one thing and that is that you have to get out of there. You stumble through the sea of bodies knocking into people and tripping into pools of drugs and vomit until you reach the door; you haven’t had a panic attack like this in a very long time

‘When you were young, you used to have panic attacks in most public places your parents took you and you remember how humiliated they seemed after it was over calling it an “overreaction.” Even now you feel as if everyone’s looking at you.

Disoriented, you pull and push on the door but it won’t budge and you started to hyperventilate even further. Using your hands you feel along the walls for another door but just end up angering everyone you accidentally touch in the process; some even push you.

“Please help me.” You keep going until you think you’ll collapse and surely you just know you will when a hand reaches out to grab you from the darkness. You look up horrified at the person holding you into place and see a faint outline of a familiar face.

“Hey aren’t you that guy from the club? What the hell is your problem? Hey! Hey what’s wrong with you? Somebody help me.”

You feel yourself hit the floor and before losing consciousness stare up into the eyes of a panicked and very loud Karkat.

_I’m going to die, I’m going to die and the last person I get to see is this guy._

_҉_

You Tavros Nitram are spinning and spiraling out of control, you’ve never been this disgusting, you never been this low. You just wanted to escape your own head and ended up being drugged in the bathroom of a hole in the ground club where no one could see you flailing. In another lifetime you might have been shocked if you saw yourself from someone else’s point of view. That of course is your worst fear; that people look at you and can see that you’re falling apart.

If you even went back home would they recognize you now? Would you recognize yourself?

You start to come back into coherence gradually, slipping in and out of sleep and catching a glimpse of a very worried person by your side every few minutes. Some moments you come to and he’s not there, but you know he’ll be back and that helps you sleep for awhile.

The brightness of the sunlight wakes you up the next morning and you take a moment to feel yourself to make sure you’re all still here. Next to you someone awkwardly clears their throat and you look over at them, agitated at the brightness hurting your eyes.

“Hey little dude, good morning.” Gamzee whispers and there…there’s that smile again. You smile back in response slowly realizing your surroundings. He helps you sit up and you can see you’ve spent the night occupying a very comfortable green couch in the middle of a cluttered living room.

The view out of the window is another set of apartment buildings that you don’t recognize and looking down you realize even further at the state of clothes how messed up of a night you had.

“Where are we, you’re place?” You croak; your voice a shitty mess from dehydration.

He nods and gets up and disappears into the kitchen which is visible from where you’re sitting. You watch him fill a glass full of water and brings it back to you. You drink it down too fast and grimace at the horrible stomach ache it gives you.

Oh yeah that’s right, you didn’t have anything to eat and the drugs were supposed to distract you from that.

“Mornin!” Gamzee beams at someone past you; you turn to see a disgruntled Karkat standing in the doorway

That’s right; he’d been the one who found you in the club. You feel embarrassed and guilty then trying to coax up the words to say you’re sorry and thankful.

“Is he okay?” He nods to Gamzee, and Gamzee puts a hand on your head thoughtfully before turning back to Karkat.

“Yeah I think so.”

“That’s good.” He gives you a look as if he’s relieved and then walks back down the hall. You lower your head realizing you missed your chance to say thank you.

“He knows, you know? Karkat always knows when you’re sorry or need help so don’t go all up and beating yourself up for it. Let’s just cook him something to eat and he’ll be in a better mood I bet. Come on.” He reaches out and grabs your hand leading you to the kitchen.

This guy is the dopiest person you’ve ever met yet the nicest and holding his hand makes your stomach muscles clench with nervousness.

 

Settling on eggs, toast and sausages you leave most of the work to Gamzee seeing as you can’t cook for shit and the first egg he let you attempt burned so much you resigned to toaster duty out of embarrassment.

The smell of the food cooking and the quiet rambling of Gamzee over the stove made you feel more at home than you have in a long time. Once you set the plates Karkat appeared again in the doorway of the kitchen looking a little less grumpy than he did before.

You all sit down and start eating and passing each other the plates of food without a word. In the distance you can hear a symphony of car alarms, adults arguing and stray dogs barking as the world is waking up. You eat and eat, savoring the taste of the first home cooked meal you’ve had since you’ve been here. The food is amazing, the company you’re with is too and you think you might actually feel happy for the first time in a long time.

Happiness is fleeting that much you know, so you smile often at your new friends, and you eat heartily until you can’t take another bite.

“I guess you don’t eat much do you?” Karkat says spreading his toast with a bit of jam a hint of a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. Gamzee smiles and nudges his elbow playfully

“Leave him alone, he’s cute.” You feel your face grow hot worried you ate like an absolute pig in front of your new friends.

“Sorry I—“Gamzee shushes you by taking a napkin and wiping at the corner of your mouth.

Well, there it is the embodiment of embarrassment, it is you.

Karkat gets up from the table and puts his plate in the sink so now you think it’s your chance

“Uh, Karkat?” 

He turns around to face you, eyebrow raised in response

“Well, I just wanted to say thanks…ya know for last night.” You clear your throat avoiding Gamzee’s gaze.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Nitram, but you’re welcome.” He gives you a long look as if to say not to mention it before giving a glance to Gamzee and walking out of the room.

“What was that about? I thought you and Kar’ came here last night from that weird club you got us into? I had left early, it wasn’t really my scene.” He shrugged.

Karkat hadn’t told Gamzee where you were or how he found you it seems and you worried a bit wondering why.

Gamzee takes your plate and clears the table while you walk back over to the couch and start to put your shoes on. They had a pretty decent place, and they had each other. You love being here and you like eating and you even like Karkat and Gamzee

But as you look around you know you don’t fit, you don’t belong because your clothes are shit and your shoes are busted, you even eat and behave embarrassingly in front of them. This is one of the best days you’ve had since you’ve lived here and you decided you would remember it always as you grabbed your coat.

“Hey, where are you going?” Gamzee stared at you from the kitchen. His gaze is intense and kind of scares you a little but you break past it seeing that he looks more worried than anything.

“I uh, thanks for putting up with me and letting me sleep on your couch, I really appreciate it. I don’t want to be in your way, you know I’ve got to go to school and…I’ll just see you, you know around or whatever.” You sound like you’re lying and he can tell you are but nods anyway.

“Take care of yourself then.” He walks over and wraps you up in a big warm hug. You’re startled at first, you’re not used to hugs from anyone but Nepeta and her’s are fragile hugs where you don’t hold on as tight because she’s so small you’re afraid you’ll break her. You hold him back after a moment and step away hoping he doesn’t notice you’re flushed cheeks.

“Right, well tell Karkat I said bye and thanks again, so yeah.”  You reach for the door and walk down the stone steps out onto the sidewalk. Instinctively you look back and see them both in the doorway still watching you; Gamzee waving like an idiot and Karkat giving you a worried look like a mother watching her kid go to their first day of school.

You wave one more time and hurry down the sidewalk dreading every step taking you farther and farther from their view.

 


	5. Chapter 5: A proposition

With the thoughts of the great morning almost out of mind you make your way downtown towards the units hoping to check on Nepeta and see if she can fill in the blanks of how you even got to that part of town where Karkat found you. Though more importantly you wonder just why someone like him who didn’t seem like they liked to party was there at all.

A black car pulls up next to you on the sidewalk and a gentleman in a black suit with a purple tie calls over to you.

“Hey, can you help me? I’m trying to get to an address here.” He holds out a piece of paper and you walk over to see what the address is when the backdoor of the car opens and another gentleman in a suit steps out and grabs you. You struggle against their pulling but ultimately are thrown into the backseat of the car. Inside is another man and you are squished in the middle between them.

“Hey man let me out of here I didn’t do anything, are you guys cops?” You look around nervously but no one looks at you.

The car makes an illegal U turn and speeds down the road away from the lower east side. After driving for awhile you realize you’ve never been to this side of town, the farther you go the grander the buildings get.

The car slows down in front of the poshest building you’ve ever seen.

“Why are we here?” You ask as they get of the car, but they don’t say anything as they drag you out of the car and into the huge building.

An elevator takes you up to the top floor and they brush your clothes off trying to straighten you up before they go through a large white door pushing you forward in front of a messy desk. The whole room is black leather clad with purple trim on everything; even the desk supplies are purple.

A door to the left of you opens and a beautiful girl walks in and smiles at you. She’s wearing a tight pink dress and black heels, her long dark hair pulled into a high pony tail.

“Hi, don’t worry Mister Ampora will be in to see you in a moment.” She grabs a file off of the desk and winks at you before walking back out.

You fidget with your shirt and wait about twenty more minutes before a guy walks in dressed just as nicely as the man who came in before except his sweater was purple and the moment he turned to face you, you recognize him. He’s the guy whose friends teased Nepeta on her birthday, and instantly you grow angry. But, more importantly this is the person you stole money from to take a cab home the other night.

He leans back against the desk, his arms folded over his broad chest as if contemplating what to do next.

“How are you?” He says adjusting his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

“I, well I’ve been better.” You gulp. He smirks and sits behind the desks gesturing for you to sit in front of him

“Uh, I don’t mean to be rude, but why am I here?” You sit forward trying to put on your bravest face even though your knees shake.

He smirks again and takes out a cigarette and offers one to you. You accept and smoke nervously for several minutes before he speaks again.

“I find you interesting Tavros Nitram, and I wanted to meet you again on my terms this time.”

“Who told you my name?” You put your cigarette out on the corner of his desk blatantly avoiding the ash tray in front of you. He winces slightly but gives an annoyed smile before wiping the ashes off himself.

“I had you followed; I mean that is the proper course of action when someone is bold enough to steal money from you.” He shrugs.

“You had me followed over about twenty dollars worth of cab fare? Because that is all I used it for by the way, a cab to get home which any gentleman would of called for his date naturally.” You take a shot at his ego; you can tell he prides himself on the gentleman aspect since you don’t know many guys your age who wears so much designer clothes.

“Right…I suppose I should have done that, forgive me.” He smiles, and you scoff sitting back in your chair.

_Is this guy really trying to be charming right now?_

“What do you want exactly? I can give you the money back if that’s—

He starts to laugh waving his hand in front of your face

“We both know you haven’t got one red cent, and even if you did, does it look like I need anymore money?” He gestures to the big room and the view outside from the window.

You narrow your gaze at him in a glare.

“No, I guess not. So, what is it that you want?” You clench your jaw trying to have patience.

“Right well, I’d like to employ you; this is…perhaps a business proposition.” He fidgets nervously with the collar of his shirt.

“This sounds like blackmail.” You glare.

“My proposition is that if you work for me, I’ll pay for everything, you living place, your clothes, I’ll even get your little friend out of the storage units, how about it?”  He doesn’t have the right to talk about Nepeta.

“What would I have to do?” You growl through clenched teeth.

“Well, you’d have to be my companion of sorts.” He fidgets more with his shirt collar.

“Wait, are you seriously asking to pay me to be your boyfriend or something?”

“Keep it down!” He looked around nervously as if someone was listening.

The proposition seemed to have more cons to you than pros, but no matter how many times you weighed that you still had some morals left, you also counter argued that you would do anything if you could give Nepeta a place to stay.

“I’ll give you time to think about it okay? I mean what I said it’s a straight shoot offer, for you to be my companion, attend parties and social gatherings with me, and be my confidant my friend.

“Friends shouldn’t have to pay each other Mr. Ampora.” You fold your arms trying not to let him see you squirm.

“Please, call me Eridan. “ He holds out a hand to you but you don’t shake it.

“Like I said think it over for awhile, I’ll be in touch.” He smiles. You stand up and walk to the door where the gentlemen from the car ride stand waiting for you.

“I can find my own way back.” You snap at one of them who try to grab your arm.

Instead of doing what you usually do, that night you walked along the streets seriously thinking about your future and Eridan’s offer.


	6. Chapter 6: Admit you like him.

In the wake of visiting Eridan you looked over your shoulder a lot more. You find yourself questioning anyone you’ve ever talked too and give the death glare to anyone you caught staring at you thinking they are a spy.  Because you didn’t want Eridan’s posse following you and getting into the lives of the people you actually cared about, you find yourself in the seediest of places doing the shadiest of things.

Almost dying in the club that night had rattled you though, you thought for sure you would die so going back to your old ways of having people pay you for dates or doing sexual favors for a few nights stay in a motel was starting to get to you. Before everything happened you could do this for days because you just pretend you aren’t there the whole time you’re doing it.

After the second week of philandering your days away in the beds of men and women alike older than you, you felt like hell and needed to come back down to earth.

You wanted to find Nepeta but didn’t feel like taking on her judgmental looks she often gave you after you came from being with someone. She used to say you smelled like douche bag and she hated it and what can you say; you care what she thinks.

You didn’t go to the Alley club anymore because you didn’t want anyone who worked for Eridan asking questions especially not to Equius.

One night, half dead and surviving only off pills and endless drinks you stumbled down the street until you were in front of a brownstone you hadn’t dare go back to until today.

You wanted to see Gamzee and talk to him about everything, you wanted a grumpy Karkat to talk you out of considering Eridan’s offer but the worse you felt the more you considered it. You watched the windows noticing the voices inside, the talking and wished you had the nerve to knock on the door or even walk up the stairs.

You sigh and turn to head back down the sidewalk when the sound of someone knocking grabs your attention. You look up to see a shadow at the window and knowing by the height that it’s probably Gamzee. He struggles a moment but lifts up the window

“Hey! What are you doing out there? Come up.” He whispers.

You smile up at him and then look down at your grubby clothes and uncombed Mohawk which was due for another trimming.

“No, it’s okay I’ll come back another day, tell Karkat I said hey.” You bite down on your lower lip and start to walk away when he disappears from view.

“Nitram get your ass in here or I’m coming out there!” Karkat shouts from the window.

“No, I mean I was just passing by so—

“That’s it I’m coming out there.” He leaves from the window and you turn to trot up the stairs, not wanting him to cause a disturbance in the quiet neighborhood.

Before you can knock the door snatches open and the smell of spicy food and alcohol wafts out.

“Hey,” You smile at the both of them, but only Gamzee really smiles back.

“Come in, we’re just sitting around here talking.” Karkat pulls you in and takes your jacket to hang up on the rack before handing you a beer. You did not need any more alcohol, at this rate you feared your liver was swimming in the stuff so you just hold onto it while they lead you over to where a group of people are sitting.

“Okay, these two here are Dave and Terezi, you take in the first two people to your left on the couch. Dave is blonde and good looking (you think, seeing as his sunglasses cover the majority of his face) he’s also pretty tall wearing a red hoodie over dark jeans. Terezi is sitting on his lap; she’s kind of a lanky girl in a black tank top and sweat pants. She wears her short black hair flipped at the ends and wears red sunglasses not nearly the size of her boyfriends but just as odd to you. From what you can tell the two seem to be made for each other because they both just throw up a hand at you in greeting before going back to talking.

“Those two are Aradia and Sollux, who’s probably going to be too busy finishing that level to say hey so excuse him.’ Karkat continues.

“Affirmative.” Sollux mutters and you smile a little at the slight lisp he has, it’s cute. He’s dressed in all black with his fringe longer in the front nearly covering his eyes and chopped short in the back. Aradia is wearing red coveralls over a black bra and playing with Sollux’s hair. You like the way she fawns over him to distract him from his game and but she managed to look up long enough to notice you and wave.

Farther from them on a loveseat sit two girls cuddled up together under a purple knit blanket ; the blonde one with short hair and dark lipstick gives a small smile before going back to her book and her short dark haired lover nods to you before going back to kiss the other girls fingertips.

“And lastly, that’s Rose and Kanaya. Everyone this is Tavros, a uh friend.” Karkat then goes to sit next to Sollux and pick up his handheld game where he’d probably been sitting before.

Gamzee sits down on the floor across from the couch and gestures for you to sit next to him.

“Where’ve you been man?” he takes a swig of his beer and gives you a sly smile that melts your insides.

“Around.” You shrug nudging him with your shoulder.

“So Mohawk guy, where you from?” Terezi turns to you and cracks open another beer.

“Uh, I’m from Arizona actually.” You shift feeling everyone on the room focus on you.

“That’s cool, so what you doing all the way in NYC?” She smirks. Dave nudges her side

“Stop giving him the third degree, you are not a lawyer yet.” That sly dig only distracts her for a moment and she laughs a raspy sort of laugh before looking back at you.

“Well, you know hanging out.” You shrug noticing Karkat staring at you intently now.

“So, Tavros are you just here visiting or do you live around here?” Rose perks up trying to take all the pressure Terezi was putting on you off.

“I uh, I guess I’m you know living here for the time being.” You mentally send Karkat a signal to get you out of this but he looks away from you lazily as if to say “Handle it yourself.”

“You guys are the worst at first impressions.” Dave quips after a moment of silence and the group laughs awkwardly.

Gamzee stands up and offers a hand to you to help you stand up.

“Alright Tavvy, come and help me with a thing and the food.”

You thank god for the chance to leave the room and silently revel in the fact that he called you Tavvy, your family calls you that. _Used to_ you mean _._

“I wanna help you with a thing Gamz, why does Tavros get to go help with a thing?” Karkat says sarcastically causing snickers from everyone in the group.

“Can I see the thing too?” Terezi cackled and you rushed into the kitchen past Gamzee and sat down at the table. You needed a few deep breaths, social situations always made you nervous but especially when you didn’t know the people well and there were so many of them.

“Hey man, don’t motherfucking mind what those guys have to say, they’re just fucking with ya.” He laughs and stirs some food in a big pot on the stove.

You nod and try to smile fiddling with the hole in the bottom of your shirt.

With his back to you, you finally get a chance to really look at him. He’s wearing a black button down with slightly baggy black pants. He looks good, with his hair wild and in every different direction you think he looks like a young Robert Smith in style of dress; you always did like The Cure.

 

He turns around and sits a bowl of soup in front of you with a big spoon. The spicy smells punch you in the stomach and you realize just how starving you were.

The soup has big chunks of beef and potatoes and various veggies in it, you didn’t waste time eating and soon he joins you enjoying the childlike way in which you eat.

“Too fucking cute.” He shakes his head and puts a spoonful in his mouth.

“What?” You swallow hard not sure you’d heard him right.

“Nothing eat well and enjoy little dude.”

“Thank you.” You mumble stirring the contents of the bowl a moment deep in thought.

“For what?”

“Well, the food, and for not asking me so many questions and…yeah just thanks.” Your nose burns from trying to push back tears and you’re grateful when he just nods and continues eating instead of pressing you for more answers.

“Hey, we want some!” You look up at Karkat and Sollux in the doorway which grabs everyone’s attention and Gamzee gets up to fix their bowls. After awhile you’re all squished around the small table eating and slurping delicious soup too hungry to really converse.

Once you’ve had your fill, you look around the table at the others not being able to help smiling at them a little. They reminded you off your siblings; the way Karkat and Sollux fought back and forth for elbow room at the table muttering curses to each other between mouthfuls remind you of your youngest brothers. You think the way Aradia, Rose and Kanaya eat and talk amongst themselves reminds you of your sisters who always seemed to be in their own world away. Dave ate quietly and with his glasses on it was hard to tell if he was comfortable or not, he reminds you of yourself but a lot cooler.

This little group of people make you feel a lot of things, they make you feel embarrassed of the way you dress and carry yourself, and mostly they make you miss your family more than ever. Everyone seems to have a little unit going and belongs to someone, but you don’t. Gamzee meets your gaze and nods his head over at the fire escape visible through the window and you both get up and climb out through the window.

He goes out first grabbing your hand to help you out and you both sit down on the rusty steps.

“You looked like you needed some air, I hope you don’t mind.” He says taking out a cigarette and striking a match on the bottom of his shoe to light it.

“Yeah, I mean they’re all great, your friends they just remind me of my family is all.” You shrug and stare out into the street at the cars passing by.

“Yeah, I understand brother. It’s all…reminiscent and shit.” He laughs a low laugh and it settles your nerves.

You both sit there for a long time before you feel comfortable to put your head on his shoulder. “Do you wanna try something?” He smirks taking a drag from the cigarette and you nod.

He leans down and grabs your chin and pulls your face closer to his, tilting you head back. Your lips part slightly and he puckers his lips like he’s going to kiss you but instead blows the smoke in your mouth and you hold it in for a minute before letting it out.

“I like that.” You smile and he laughs a little turning back to stare into space. Your heart starts thrashing in your chest; you want him, and you like him but it’s nice to just be with someone without really touching each other. Just talking to someone, nothing serious. You need this.

After awhile a helicopter flies overhead and breaks your concentration before disappearing over the buildings, all this noise around you in the dark but you feel as if you two are the only ones here.

“What are you all getting up to tomorrow?” He asks putting out the cigarette finally.

You think about going to see Nepeta but decided against it until you get things sorted out with Eridan.

“Nothing really, I just want to sleep for a million years.” You laugh and rest your head on his shoulder playfully.

“You know, you can stay here tonight if you want. The rest of those guys probably will too, we’ve been drinking a bit and can’t drive back. Bed’s yours if you want it.” He shrugs standing up to brush off his pants.

Your natural instinct is to decline and just find someone to take you back to their place. But, you think if you don’t get good sleep you’ll die so you nod and let him help you back inside.

When you get back in the kitchen the dishes are piled almost to the ceiling and everyone is either in the living room or out on the front steps smoking before you all crash out. Gamzee ruffles up Karkat’s hair and throws an arm around him before he heads down the hall to sleep. Aradia and Sollux get settled on the couch, him still finishing up his videogame.

Rose and Kanaya have left deciding to have a cab take them back to their campus.

Dave and Terezi are outside but agreed to take the floor in the living room.

You say goodnight to everyone and follow Gamzee back to the last door on the left and go inside.

“Sorry about the mess, I’d clean it but I never have the motherfucking time these days.” He explains closing the door behind you.

You take in the small room slowly; in the center of the room is a big bed with dark purple sheets and a small television on a dresser to the left of it. On the right is a door you assume is a closet or something and clothes are in big piles around the floor.

“Make yourself comfortable, I have to make sure everything’s turned off and doors are locked.” He leaves back out of the room.

You start to undress, under the impression you’ll be alone for the next few minutes. You take your shirt and pants off folding them neatly and putting them on the nightstand beside the headboard. In the mirror on the back of the door you check yourself out, grimacing at the bags under your eyes and the weird way that your shaved sides of your head are growing back. You also touch at the dark bruises on your arms and stomach from how unhealthy you’ve been; mostly you know it’s from the drugs and from not eating well.

When the door opens you put your arms over your chest a bit embarrassed.

“Oh hey, you can go to bed dude you didn’t have to up and wait for a motherfucker to get back. I can tell you’re tired.” He smiles and heads over to the other door and walks in.

Okay, so that’s a bathroom…you didn’t think you would be sharing the bed and feel embarrassed for stripping down to your boxers.

Once you’re under the covers you pull them up to your nose breathing in his smell, he smells like cologne, cigarettes, and spices.

He comes back out shortly in just his boxers and you bite down on your bottom lip to stifle a moan at seeing him shirtless.

He’s kind of scrawny but with a bit of upper body muscle that only pushing around a mop can give a guy. You stare from his lips down the little neat trail of hair traveling from his navel to where his pants waist begins.

“You okay?” He says turning out the light.

You just nod and pull the covers closer up around your neck.

He sits up and smokes another cigarette and you start to nod off against your will not wanting to miss a thing. He starts to stroke your head and hum a little making you drift further and further into sleep.

You pray for the love of god that you don’t snore and rest your head on shoulder once he put out the smoke and lays down.

“Tav, you know…you can always come here if you ever need anything. Don’t be a motherfucking stranger and everything, because Karkat likes having you around and I do too, though I’m sorry we kind of threw you to the wolves tonight with all our friends being here.”

“It’s okay.” You whisper and it really is, you’re so happy he doesn’t mind if you come over. You promise yourself you won’t be annoying or complain when you do, because they’re the only ones who feed you and you really like being friends with them.

 

He leans over to kiss you on the forehead quickly before turning over and drifting off. You smile like an idiot in the dark for a long time before finally falling asleep.


	7. Chapter 7: Make a decision

That night for once, you don’t have a nightmare, in fact you don’t dream about anything at all. You roll over in bed and open one eye to see that you’re alone. It’s a bit disappointing to find that you are but you just shrug it off and stumble to the bathroom to shower. After doing a little snooping you find and borrow Gamzee’s clippers under the sink to get your hair together and get a good shave in.

By the time you come out you can smell breakfast cooking and so you borrow one of Gamzee’s shirts are that too big on you and his sweat pants and head down the hallway towards the living room. Aradia and Sollux are still sleeping on the couch and Dave and Terezi are sharing a bowl of cereal in front of the television. You decide not to bother them and just make your way into the kitchen.

Gamzee’s standing over the stove making eggs and you almost can’t wait for them to be done, he makes the best food you’ve ever eaten. (Or maybe it’s because you’re always starving, who knows.) He looks up and smiles at you before you sit down at the table across from Karkat who’s already diving into his mountain of eggs and toast.

Pausing to take a sip of his juice, he squints at your shirt a moment then looks over at Gamzee before smirking and shaking his head.

“Nice shirt, it’s his favourite.” He nods over at Gamzee and snickers quietly

You feel yourself blush and fidget with the shirt a little.

“Gamzee you whore.” He mutters teasing you more and Gamzee having heard none of it turns around at the sound of his name.

“What’s that?” He calls over his shoulder while he fixes your plate.

“Nothing.” Karkat laughs takes one more bite of his toast then stands to clear his plate and winks at you before going back into the living room.

“No, it’s not like that, I uh just borrowed the clothes Karkat honest.”You call out

He responds with a “Yeah, yeah that’s what they all say” at you from the couch and you don’t have time to argue it once Gamzee hands you your plate.

You eat slowly and stare off into space most of the time, thinking about how happy you are to be here and how you never really want to leave. You think about Eridan and whether you’ll accept his offer, then maybe you won’t seem so pathetic to Gamzee and he could actually like you back.

You feel a hand squeeze you arm and you look up to meet Gamzee’s big doe eyes.

“You okay? You look stressed” he wrinkles his brow looking you over.

“You’re tired aren’t you kid?” He says quietly. You try to smile but it falters and you actually let out a sigh

You can tell he meant that you’d run yourself ragged. You knew it was true, you could see it all over your face because the truth is you thought when you came to this city it would be all good times and never ending parties, and it kind of is for you if you trick yourself out for it but you’re tired, you bet no one would believe you’re only a few weeks shy from being eighteen.

You nod at him finally and get up to dump your leftovers in the trash. Everyone you knew had a plan and a purpose with their life; you haven’t got university or a job like the rest of them or even anywhere to live. You decide then and there that you need a life, and if you want it you’ve got to make it for yourself no matter what you have to do.

_Even if it means sacrificing some of your dignity?_

A loud hard knock on at the door startles you all and you turn to see hesitate to Karkat go and answer it. You hear a deep voice address Karkat as “Mr. Vantas.”

“We’re looking for Tavros Nitram.” They bellow. You know exactly who they are; you won’t ever forget those voices. It seems like Eridan wants his answer now, so what’s it going to be?

You look over at a confused Gamzee and then back at the door. This guy, he’s lovely, he’s the exact kind of person you’d like to have met before you were a homeless burn out junkie prostitute. You close your eyes a moment wishing you had met him back in Arizona when you were young. You think Gamzee would have liked you then; you’d have been someone he could be proud of.

Karkat steps back from the door and nods you over.

Everyone has gathered in behind Karkat to see what’s going on and you feel naked in front of them, being there to witness you become property.

You look up at the men and shrug awkwardly.

“Hello again, Mister Ampora would like to know your answer today. So, what shall it be?” The taller gentleman says avoiding the questioning looks of the others.

“Tav, what have you gotten yourself into?” Karkat whispers.

You look back at Gamzee who seems too shocked to say much of anything but his eyes are pleading to know what’s going on.

You reach over and grab your coat from beside the door and let the gentlemen grab a hold of your arms and walk you down the steps as if you’re in prison.

“Tavros, where are you going? Are you in trouble? We can help you!” Gamzee says trying to go out after you, but Karkat puts his hand out in front of him.

“I’ve been bought, I’m sorry.” You shrug and climb into the backseat with the two men. You don’t look back at them when the car starts up, nor do you look back when it whizzes off down the street. But you do lean against the window and cry the whole way there.

                                                                           ҉

When you arrive at the Ampora estate, everyone greets you as if you are a guest this time. A woman takes you upstairs to shower (again) and get cleaned up. When you come out someone combs and styles your hair and leaves out expensive clothes for you. You don’t want to cause any trouble, so you put them on and sit down on the bed waiting for someone to tell you what to do next.

You regret this, but it’s too late to take it back and all the things you want to do with this new found opportunity are more important to you than your own pride. A tap at the door startles you but you stand and tell them to come in. You were expecting it to be another employee but to your surprise it’s Eridan.

“I’m really glad you said yes Tavros, I know you think I’m some salty sea dog, but I’ll show you I can swim with the best of them.” He punches the air in a “go team” kind of way which makes you slip deeper into sadness.

He clears his throat and chuckles as if he’s embarrassed “Ah, sorry I’m not used to people not getting my sea jokes, everyone knows my dad’s retired Navy so they come with the territory a bit.”  You manage a small smile and he relaxes

“So, I know you’re probably weary still, but I don’t want you to be. I want to be a proper guy about all this. You took my terms and accepted them, and because you did I want to know your terms now.”  He sits down on the bed and motions for you to sit next to him. You look at his face closely for the first time, the perfectly coifed black hair with a purple streak, the olive skin tone that gives him his charm. He’s one of the most handsome men you’ve ever seen really; great jaw line, dimpled chin, perfect teeth. And maybe in another life, Eridan Ampora might have been a great catch to you, someone smart and charming with an English accent to sweep you off your feet but you’re taken with a certain custodian at the library who reads books to children for fun and makes the best food, and makes you smile a lot.

“My terms?” you ask, trying to focus on what he’s saying.

“Yeah, I promised you if you said yes I’d take your requests, I want you to trust me, so lay it on me. What do you want?”  He smiles.

You hadn’t really thought about it, and you weren’t sure you could bring yourself to ask because things like this just didn’t happen to you. You take a few moments and try to get your priorities straight first.

“I want to, maybe go to college here. Yeah, I want to take classes.” You mumble biting your nails nervously.

“Done, what else?”

“I want an apartment, one with two bedrooms for me and Nepeta, she’s my best friend and I want just enough spending money to buy food for the apartment every week and art supplies for Nepeta until I find a job—

“All of that is reasonable, but I just can’t say yes to the job right now. We’re approaching a very social time in the calendar and I’ll need you at a moment’s notice to accompany me or for anything and work would get in the way, plus this is work, don’t worry I’ll take care of you and Nepeta.”

“You really get on with her then don’t you?” He adds playfully.

“I’ve never seen a guy and girl that are best mates like you two, it’s cute.” He smirks.

You nod, fighting the lump in your throat, you’re missing her.

“Well okay, then that’s all I want but I have some rules then, I don’t want to be treated like a pet, and I don’t want to be a sex slave. And most importantly my college classes and anything given to Nepeta out of this as a gift or otherwise is permantely her property no matter if you and I break ties or not. I want all of this in a written contract too; I’m not a fucking fool.”  You warn him.

He clenches his teeth a moment then smiles tightly.

“You have yourself a deal; I’ll have it written up in the morning. Now, let’s go introduce to you to everyone.”

He stands and opens the door for you leading you down the grand stair case and out into a living room big enough to fit your home in Arizona inside it.

An older man who you can tell is his father stands in front of you, his hands in his pants pockets and a stern look on his face. You think he looks handsome with his slight beer gut and stylish short hair cut; it paints a good picture of how Eridan will look when he’s older.

“Dad, this is Tavros, my new best mate he’s going to be going with me on social scenes and all that. “ He beams down at you and holds out his hands as if you’re some prize show dog. You step forward and shake his father’s hand. Ampora Sr. gives you a once over before he nods at his son and walks out of the room. Eridan watches him walk out and for a fraction of a second you see pain and worry flash across his face.

“Well, Dad’s a bit of a loner you know likes to keep things formal. You’ll get to know him in no time. And this is my father’s assistant Feferi Piexes; Ms Piexes can help you if you need anything done, she’s really swell.” He rubs the back of his head in a shy way and she swats at his shoulder in a playful manner.

You remember her from the first time you were brought there, which explains why she referred to someone like Eridan who seems to be younger than her as Mr. Ampora.

You hold out your hand to shake hers but she leans forward to hug you instead.

“Fef’, do you think you can start writing up a contract for us to sign, I’ll send you an email on the specifics later okay?” he says tapping away at his PDA.

“Sure thing, see you later Tavros.” She smiles and walks out of the same side door Ampora Sr. left out of.

“Now, For today I want show you around the estate, go apartment hunting and getting you a phone  of some sort so I can reach you when you’re not around, so let’s get going today’s going to be fun.”

You give a half smile and turn to follow him out when he stops short and looks back at you

“I want you listen to me okay, because I don’t say this often and I won’t say it twice.”  You perk up at the sternness in his voice thinking he’s about to lay down some major rule.

“Thank you.” 

He only looks at you once more to see if you heard him then walks out of the room to ask a driver to bring the car around.

 

Part of you is excited for what today might be like being alone with Eridan, another part of you just wants to run back to the lower east side and have Gamzee patch you up in your old bum clothes and pretend this never happened.

Here’s to wishful thinking.


	8. Chapter 8: In which you reap

Spending time with Eridan is actually a lot more fun than you thought it would be and also very tiring. It seems like he never runs out of energy, wanting to show you everything under the sun and buying you things you don’t want and clothes you don’t like. You like the moments where you ride in the Crown Victoria the most because those are the times he’s just quiet and you have time to process everything that’s going on. By the time you get done shopping you start to feel so tired you can barely keep your eyes open.

“Let’s eat and then we’ll go back to my place for a little while unless you have somewhere to go.” He says pausing before starting up the engine. This is your chance to ask to leave and escape back to Gamzee for a few hours, I mean why not you have the over complicated cellphone Eridan bought and programmed with all these alarms on them for you; he can call if he needs anything.

“Well, I mean do I have to go back to your place or can I go out? I wanted to see someone.” You chew on your lip a little hoping he doesn’t think you mean anyone other than Nepeta. You can see in his eyes that he’s worried and you feel bad for mentioning it.

“Yeah, sure it’s no problem...yeah well, your phones set with an alarm to go off when you need to be back at the house tomorrow afternoon, and I just hope you aren’t planning to ditch me.” He shrugs. You can tell this is something reoccurring for him, people ditching him after awhile or running off with no warning.

 _Stop, you might actually convince me you’re human_.

“Of course not, I just need to explain to my friends what happened to me you know, it was a shock for them, me leaving like that.” You fidget with your phone a bit more until he nods and starts the car up again.

“So, where are we eating?” he smiles.

You let him choose the restaurant, and he orders for you of course since you didn’t know what half the stuff on the menu was. What he ordered was mainly vegetarian and you’re not an herbivore so you’re not gonna start eating like one. You just settle on downing the cups of wine at the table and nibbling the bread here and there to pass the time.

After you finish up he asks you if you want a ride to wherever you’re going but you don’t want the Crown Victoria pulling up in that kind of neighborhood drawing attention to Gamzee and Karkat.

He waves to you when you leave him in the parking lot and as you walk down the sidewalk you can feel him watch you walk away.

                        

The first place you go to is the storage units but no matter how much you knock, no one answers and you begin to worry about Nepeta. As you’re walking out of the gates someone on the corner calls over to you, you recognize the girl as one of the regulars on the corners late at night.

“Hey, are you looking for that small girl?” She says pulling her coat around her tighter.

“Yeah, my friend have you seen her?”

“Oh man, you should have been here days ago, they found her in there. Somebody reported her and they threw all her stuff out onto the street, it was fucking pitiful. She was screaming and crying and those knuckleheads wouldn’t get offa her, they kept kicking her stuff and so she took all the stuff she could carry and headed down the street last I saw her. Sad little thing, if you find her you tell her to keep her head up.”

Your heart starts pounding hard in your chest and you take off running down the street checking all the places she usually goes and coming up empty.

_Fuck, fuck this is bad. I knew I should have checked on her, I fucking knew it._

You only have one last place to check, so you run into the Alley club struggling to make your way to the bar. You only see another woman bartender.

“Hey is Equius here? I really need to talk to him.” You pant.

“He’s off today; he doesn’t live to far from here though it’s the apartment building two blocks from here.” She shrugs and goes back to serving.

When you arrive at the buildings you press the buzzer for the one next to the nametag “Zahhak.”

“Who’s there?” Equius’s voice sounds groggy as if he was sleeping.

“It’s Tavros, man I need to talk to you.” It goes silent after that and you aren’t sure if he heard you but eventually hear the door open and you go inside. The apartment buildings near the club are kind of shabby but they’re cheap and you can see why he’d risk living here to be close to the job.

When you get up t his floor he’s already waiting outside of his door in blue stripped boxer shorts and bags under his eyes.

“Sorry to wake you up I just need to—

He puts a hand on your shoulder firmly “Look, I need to tell you something before we go in there. The other night I was going home and I thought I heard something coming from the other side of the club in the alley, it sounded pretty weird so I poked my head around to check and you know who I saw?”

You gulp, you aren’t ready for this conversation, and you can feel yourself start to hyperventilate.

“I saw Nepeta, on the ground, clutching garbage bags full of her all her things and she was shaking like a leaf, having a panic attack. Now, what I want to know is where the _hell_ were you?”  His voice grew sinister and you could see the veins in his bulging arms start to strain.

“I, I fucked up, I got trashed off my ass and got drugged in some shit hole, and had an anxiety attack, and then I went home with my friends and I got blackmailed by this guy to work for him and I had to go work for him because I wanted to get Nepeta an apartment and I’m so fucking sorry I, I thought she would be okay.” You end up breaking down in front of him and he pats your shoulder.

“Hey, whoa that was a mouthful; you finally got yourself in trouble out living the crazy life ey? Well that still don’t excuse family, and that girl is family. I’m gonna let you in there to talk to her in a second okay, just let me go wake her up and get dressed, when I come back have yourself sorted okay? Wipe the tears.” He pats your back a little too hard and then walks back inside. You wipe your face and try to calm down so you can face her. You’ve never let anyone down like this in your whole life, and you know she’s going to be either angry or sad.

The door opens and she’s standing right in front of you, her hair down and messy in a thin white nightgown that comes just above her knee.

“Nep, I’m so sorry about you getting thrown out of the units, I meant to come check on you but there was this guy having me followed—

She slaps you hard and quick without changing expression on her cute face.

“It’s always about some guy with you Tavros, it’s either one fucking you or one who’s fucking you up. You know, I knew a day might come where they threw me out of the units. I knew that day was coming someday, but you know the only thing I didn’t expect is that you wouldn’t fucking be there!” She screamed.

“Peta, I swear it wasn’t like that, I just got so fucked up.” You try to hug her but she pushes you.

“Yeah, I know you tripped so hard you forgot about me and started sucking cock for change, and when that got boring so you freaked the fuck out at the rave and then got some rich douche bag lover. And worst of all is, you don’t even fucking look like yourself, look at this fucking metrosexual, Virsace wearing prick clothing! You let me down.”

“He’s not my boyfriend I swear it, it’s complicated.”

“You made a choice, you know how I know? Because every fucking body knows about you! They know you’re nothing but some fucking kid who came here to live a great life, but ended up fucking anybody you can get to take you home. Everyone knows you made a contract with the devil himself, something Ampora, so you can have all the riches you ever wanted. And you know the worst part is he fucking owns the units! He knew who I was probably, so take that thought on while you’re “working!”

You can’t take this shit, you feel the anger rising up in you because you know that’s all you are. Yeah you did what you had to do to eat occasionally and forget all your troubles but that doesn’t mean these people know a fucking thing about Tavros Nitram.

“I know I screwed up not being there for you, and I know I’m not the best person in the world but the only reason I took Eridan’s offer is because the agreement was that if I did it, he would let me have an apartment with two bedrooms, for us…I wanted to you to be there, I need you with me or I’ll fucking die.” You choke through tears.

She wipes at her face and takes a few deep breaths.

“How could I live in a place that was bought on the price of your dignity? How could I be comfortable? I don’t want to live with you; you wanted this life so you live in it with him. I can’t believe I used to love somebody like you; you are so weak it makes me sick. I used to wish once, just once you would love me the way I loved you but every chance I gave you to have it, you ‘d fucking disappear with some guy, someone not worth anything. That’s how I know Tav, that’s how I know _I’m_ not worth anything.”

She starts crying too hard to say anything else and you wipe at the moistness around your eyes, the loudness of your heartbeats nearly deafening you. It was never supposed to happen this way.

“Just go back to where you came from Tavros, I’ll be fine, I’ll stay here for awhile but I don’t want to see you anymore. It hurts too much, why’d you have to ruin it?” She pushes you out towards the door and shakes her head at you before closing it in your face.

 _No no no I can’t lose everything, I can’t lose everything like this_. You throw a frustrated punch into the wall and rush down the stairs and out of the building.

You feel sick to your stomach and lean over the side of the building to empty your stomach of all the wine you’d drank at dinner with Eridan.

How did everything go so horribly wrong so fast? You didn’t mean to let everyone down and worst of all everyone thinks of you as some _thing_ they can use, because that’s the impression you gave.

Your head starts pounding and you can feel your panic attacks coming on just like they used to when you got bullied as a little boy, first the sweating and the headaches then the catatonia.

You run as fast and as far as you can trying to get away from everyone and everything. You feel dirty and lonely and you need someone to fix you before you break apart on the street.

By the time you get to Gamzee’s neighborhood you’re a little more calmed down but tired, and silently crying as you drown your sorrows in some pills you picked up on your way there. You’re still drunk and high off your ass now, singing at the top of your lungs as you crawl up on the stairs of the brownstone.

You see the lights flicker on in their place and you smile at the sound of someone unlocking the door.

“Tavros? What the hell is wrong with you, and where have you been?” Aradia reaches out of the door to pull you inside quickly. She turns up her nose at you as soon as you get near her, saying something about you smelling like alcohol and vomit.

You sit down against the front door as she runs to wake up the others. You can tell you’d woke her up, as Sollux is glaring at you from the couch under a pile of covers.

Karkat comes from down the hallway his arms folded and to you he looks like a disappointed parent.

You laugh and belch a little waving at him like an idiot.

“Nitram you are fucked, not as fucked as I’ve seen you get but halfway there.” He leans down to lift you into a standing position

“Holy fucking shit you reek, come on let’s get to Gamzee’s bathroom, there’s no goddamn way I’m ruining mine with that stench.” He and Aradia help you down the hall and into Gamzee’s room laying you down on the bed and going into his bathroom to run the shower for you.

“Look, Gamzee’s not here yet, but try to at least shower and lay down, he does not like this shit, you know the drugs and stuff, it fucks with his head so he’s not going to be happy. That’s why that night at the club I told you, you’ve got to get off the shit.”  He shakes his head at you. You don’t remember him telling you that, then again you had hour’s worth of unaccounted time that night.

They turn to leave you alone to your shower but are startled by Gamzee standing in the hallway behind them.

“What’s going on in here?” He asks pushing past them until he’s in front if you. He looks angry and his voice is the most serious you’ve ever heard it. It scares you and you scoot back on the bed away from him.

“All right, everybody out, I need to talk to this motherfucker alone.” He pushes Karkat and Aradia towards the door before slamming it in their faces.  


	9. Chapter 9: Is it ever gonna not be so hard to see you around?

Gamzee sits his work bag down in the corner and takes a few deep breaths before walking back over to you. He grabs your arm and drags you into the bathroom forcefully helping you pull off your clothes.

“Gamzee, I’m sorry I fucked it up.” You mumble nearly falling back on your ass taking your pants off.

When he doesn’t respond you start to feel like crying again but he pushes you towards the shower without letting you take your boxers off and throws you inside letting the hot water scald you. It gets in your eyes and in your nose, and he keeps holding your head directly under the shower head with you fighting against him.

“You need to sober up a little before I even _try_ to motherfucking talk to you.” He growls. You eventually slip and end up sitting in the tub and he tries to make you stand back up but you can’t anymore

“Stop it Gamzee! Stop I’ve had enough.” You yell, the steam making it hard to breathe. He leans over out of breath from struggling with you and eventually sits down on the toilet with his head in his hands.

It’s quiet in the bathroom except for the sound of the water beating against your face and him hyperventilating. You want to reach out and touch him but you can’t because of the guilt on your heart. You lie down in the shower and curl up into a ball, letting a few quiet sobs get out that you’d held in too long.

He wipes his face and tries to stop himself from tearing up before leaning over to turn the shower off.

You keep your eyes closed wishing you could disappear once and for all.

“You know I almost drowned once when I was a just a kid.” You sniff wiping at your eyes and runny nose. You need to tell him this, so he understand why you're like this

“Oh yeah?” His voice is wavering and you can tell he’s trying to hold it together.

“When I was a boy I believed anything my older brothers told me, because they were my brothers you know. And so one day, my brothers Taro and Taurean they told me that if you get in the bath, close your eyes, and curl up in a ball as tight as you can and don’t make a sound that you’ll actually get so small you’ll slip down the drain and out to sea.”

You can hear him give a small laugh which makes it easier to speak.

“So I had to try it you know, I wanted to live underwater forever because my dad was always saying I couldn’t do anything right. So one day when everyone was outside during one of the only family barbecue’s we ever had; I slipped away and got down in the tub just like they’d told me except I got under the water thinking it would make it work better. And after awhile I guess I got sleepy and I just forgot to breathe like I should.”

You pause remembering how badly you’d hoped you were small enough to slip down the drain. If only you had.

“Who found you?” Gamzee’s low voice waves over you bringing you back to the present.

“My sister, She uh needed to put her makeup on again because she had sweated it all off and she saw me there at the bottom of the tub just inhaling all the water, trying to be small, trying to disappear. She threw the biggest screaming fit I’d ever heard, got my mom in there screaming, at the top of her lungs. My uncle did CPR on me and my father was so fucking angry, he hugged me for the first time ever.

“That’s awful and great...that he hugged you I mean.” He whispers.

“Yeah, he hugged me and then kicked my brothers fucking asses good, then he kicked my ass for scaring my mom, I was sore for weeks”. You laugh a little, through a few tears.

“God, seems like we had similar dads.” He sniffed.

“Nah it was fine, because that was the day I realized that he loved me. And that’s what falling for you feels like, it feels like laying underwater waiting for this brilliant feeling to happen, all the promise, all the hope. And not being around you feels like inhaling the whole tub, I feel like I’ll never get on in life without you.”

You sit up and look at him finally.

“I’m not angry at you because you left, or cause of anything you did before we met. I was fucking angry because you’re fucking wrecking yourself. Even Karkat lied to me about the night you came home with him, he didn’t tell me you were drugged out of your head. I don’t like it; I don’t like it when people need to take a pill just to get on with life. Sure, I’m not motherfucking perfect, I smoke my smoke and drink my occasional drink, but you’re trying to kill yourself; slowly and surely so no one notices you’re doing it and that’s what I hate. My mom, she didn’t stand a chance with drugs, everything was drugs all the time it was all she ever thought about and I’m not going to do it with you. I won’t, I swear I won’t be picking you up off the bathroom floor at all hours of the night.” His hands are shaking and he doesn’t really look at you while he speaks. You need to see his eyes.

“Worst of all, you’re in some kind of deal with this rich guy who pretty much owns you. You agreed to be his “companion” everyone at the club was talking about it. And you’re not the first guy he’s propositioned about it either. I know you were trying to make it better for your friend, but believe you me, he’s going to fucking bleed you dry, then he’s going to throw you away and all his fancy money might go with it; then what?” He glares at you.

You lower you head in defeat, you hadn’t thought about all that. You hadn’t thought about anything except making a life here your parents would be proud of so they couldn’t say they told you so.

“I just wanted to use the money to go to school, and find a place to live so I could be someone you were proud to have in your life. I feel like shit having to come here and eat all your food, dirty, hungry. I couldn’t expect you to fall for someone like that, but then Nepeta got thrown on the street and I wasn’t there for her and she thinks I’m shit…less than shit.” You rub your eyes with your palms trying to keep your voice from cracking.

There’s so much more you want to say but can’t get it out and he stands up to help you out of the tub. You borrow some of his clothes again and without another word to each other get in bed together.

The whole room is quiet except for the low rasp of the radio on the nightstand. You both just lay there staring into each other’s eyes, trying to make up without touching at all. But you need to be touched.

You feel for his hand and bring it to your lips and kiss the back of it.

“It won’t be forever.” You whisper.

“Yes it will, you’ll be with him all the time. He’s charming.”  He shrugs.

“No, you’re charming. He’s a blackmailer.”

“Little by little you’ll start to fall for him.” He closes his eyes as if he’s sleeping, but you know it’s so he doesn’t start to cry.

“Little by little I’ll keep falling for you.” You lean up to swipe your lips against his.

He sighs but doesn’t open his eyes to look at you anymore. You roll over on your back and stare up at the ceiling, listening to his breathing and the song on the radio. You recognize it, you reach other to squeeze his hand and sing along to the lazy drum beat.

“ _Is it ever gonna not be so hard to see you around?”_  You sing out to him quietly until he starts kissing away the rogue tears that are slipping down your cheeks and soaking his pillows.

 

“It’s not going to work is it?” You whisper, your vision starting to blur. He shakes his head solemnly and rests his forehead against yours.

 

You stop after awhile; you can’t sing anymore, the words are caught in your throat. You know you’re losing the fight.

 “Maybe someday when things aren’t so fucked up, we can start again.”He whispers, his breath ticking your lips, but you resist the urge to kiss him.

It really won’t work; He can’t share you with Eridan. He’s convinced at some point he’s going to want you sexually. Hell, he’d already had you sexually and you won’t ever be in a position to deny Eridan if that day should come besides you had other demons on your back. And the web of trouble you’d gotten yourself in was too much for him to handle, he didn’t need that in his life. You couldn’t blame him for that.

You think you might have cried the whole night, and told him you think you love him in your head too. But when the morning came and you woke up alone with a note that said “He’s been calling you, better get to work.” Stuck to your turned off phone you know once and for all that you’ve ruined it before it even began.

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	10. Chapter 10: Tame me

You arrive at the gates of the Ampora estate sharply at 8am ready to dive into this no longer having any reason to hold back. You had spent most of the night calling Equius’s place to talk to talk to Nepeta but he always just apologetically told you she was resting or in the shower. You were embarrassed when you woke up alone in Gamzee’s bed and instead of facing the embarrassment of seeing his face or Karkat’s you had just grabbed your clothes and slipped out of his bedroom window down the fire escape. It’s not exactly the goodbye you wanted but what’s another goodbye added to the million others from people giving up on you.

When you are buzzed into the gates Feferi tells you Eridan is upstairs waiting for you. You don’t have time to ask her which floor his room is on before she runs down the hallways after Ampora Sr. trying to get him to fit his protein shake into his morning schedule. There are so many floors and doors on the hallways you get lost at least three times before finally finding the door that has a gold plaque on it reading “First mate Ampora.” You faceplam at the title and proceed to knock before going in.

“Morning! I’m glad you found your way back, I rang you several times during the night to make sure you were alright but you didn’t pick up.” Eridan is just too fucking chipper in the morning for your tastes but you’re distracted by all that from watching him get dressed.

“Sorry, I misplaced my phone for a bit, I’m not used to having it.” You lie well; you’ll have to learn how to do this every day.

He quickly puts on his shirt and blazer grabbing a folder off of his nightstand.

“I have to make sure our contract is ready and then we can go out for a bit if everything’s sorted, are...you okay?” He stops rushing around and stares at you. You sit down on the edge of his bed staring down at your shoes.

You want to bring up Nepeta and what happened at the units; you need to know if he had anything to do with it but you had promised yourself you wouldn’t make any trouble for him. He sits next to you and puts an arm around you

“Cheer up mate, no matter what it is that’s wrong it’ll settle itself, that’s what I always say.” He shrugs and gives you a big smile. You can’t help but smile back at how dorky he is and follow him downstairs.

In the conference room two lawyers are present to witness you sign the contract with Eridan that is tying you to him for exactly one year. You don’t know what spending a whole year with him will be like; the thought alone makes you want to stab yourself in the neck with the fountain pen you signed with. When it’s all over he hugs you extra tight and Feferi comes in to bring you all bubbly which starts them on the worst spiel of nautical jokes you have ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

Eridan nudges you and starts giggling “Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other “It’s a bit wet in here”, and you wanna know what the other says?  “Blimey, a talking fish!” 

“Oh my cod a talking fish!” She doubles over in laughter and he laughs even harder at her saying _“_ oh my cod _”._  

_Well, this is it Tavros, you have fallen into the seventh circle of hell, please pick up your book of sea jokes on your way in and commence to lose the small amount of coolness you actually have._

After a few more minutes you give him a pleading look as if you’re going to go insane and he says goodbye to Feferi before leading you out into the main corridor.

“Oh my, that was just great. You know, you didn’t laugh at a single one, are you still feeling down?”  He puts his arm around you again and you both start walking towards the door.

“Just a little.”

“Then, I’ve got to cheer you up again, come on I know exactly where we should go.” He nearly vibrates with excitement as he drags you to the car. You drive cross town wondering where you’re going but he only keeps saying it’s a surprise.

After about an hour of heavy traffic he pulls up in front of a decent looking apartment building not too far from where Rufioh goes to school.

“More apartment hunting is supposed to cheer me up?” You ask as you get out of the car and stare up at the grey building.

“Just come on up for awhile you’ll see.” He winks.  
You take the elevator up to the fifth floor and he drags you by the hand to a large wooden door with 5b on it.

Eridan takes a key out of his pocket` and opens the door rushing inside to show you around the spacey apartment, The floors are cherry hardwood and there’s two bedrooms, one bathroom a kitchen, balcony and marble counters. He also informs you that the tiles in the shower are obsidian and he wants you to really appreciate that but you don’t really know the difference either way.

“So, all the places I took you yesterday, you kept saying they were nice but you didn’t really seem excited. I realized yesterday at the restaurant that I keep trying to impress you and it’s not working. You like the simple things, you like your same old clothes instead of the designer ones I bought you. You even liked the employee cars we give to the staff better than the Crown Victoria. I didn’t take you to all those places yesterday because I was trying to be a showboat; I just wanted to know what you liked.”

“Then, I knew I had to get you a place that was like you, you know. Pretty average seeming on the outside but actually extraordinary inside.” He smiles, proud of himself.

You walk to the window and take a deep breath. No had ever really said anything like that about you before, and no one had ever really went through so much trouble to try and find out what you actually like and don’t like. Naturally, you love the apartment he picked out, it’s not too big and charming, and you know you’ll have fun moving in but not as much as you would if you could do it with Nepeta.

“Thank you, I’m not going to lie to you, sometimes I think you’re just a gorgeous body with sand for brains and horrible tastes in comedy.”

“But?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Oh there’s no but, you are exactly all of those things.” You reply sarcastically and he rolls his eyes.

“No, but really, you’re a lot nicer, and more thoughtful than you seem. Thank you, for thinking of me.” You pat his shoulder and walk over to check out the kitchen.

“I always do.” He says quietly, but you pretend not to hear it.

You both spend the rest of the afternoon outstretched on the floor just talking and telling each other jokes. You even try to understand some of his stupid sea jokes and find yourself laughing at a few. When night falls you order Chinese takeout from a place just a across the street and eat while taking down the street towards the park.

“Okay, next question.” He laughs pushing into you and making you nearly lose your balance on the slippery pavement.

“Do you ever make nautical innuendos in bed?” You laugh nearly choking on your forkful of noodles.

He laughs and blushes a little, “Just…once.” He admits. You laugh some more until your throat feels sore from breathing in the cold.

“That is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever heard, you win all the awards for awkwardness.”  You tease him a bit more and all he can do is roll his eyes.

“My turn, why do you take pills all the time?” He asks as if he’s sorry he brought it up and you guess you would have had to bring it up eventually.

“I just like to have fun, sometimes. Other times I’m just trying to get away from everything. Don’t you ever just want to get away from your life?” you throw the rest of your food into a trashcan and turn your back to him. You didn’t want to think about any of this, you just wanted to pretend for one whole day that all the bad things about you didn’t exist.

“Yes actually, I wanted to be someone else, someone cool who could go with the flow and that’s how I met you, and now…here we are. But I do feel like someone else when we hang out; I feel like myself.”

You turn towards him and try to give a full smile.

“Eridan, has anyone ever told you that you are the corniest person alive?” He laughs a little; relieved that you aren’t mad at him.

“Whale actually I haven’t but thanks for letting minnow.” He flashes a big smile and winks at you.

“Oh my fucking god, I will never forgive you for saying that!” You turn and start to walk away dramatically.

“Okay okay, last one tonight I swear.” He chases after you threatening to carry you all the way back to the apartment if you don’t slow down. You feel happy for the first time today. Sure, this isn’t where you thought you’d end up but it distracts you from all the dark things tugging at the far corners of your brain.

Once he catches up to you he links arms with yours and clears his throat trying to be serious.

“I want you to stop taking the pills okay? I don’t think you need them. I’ll help you get rid of that stuff, you’ll feel better.” He shrugs. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s worrying about you.

“I’ll try.” He smiles; pretty sure he can help you through anything or that helping someone detox is going to be easy. But you have met people like Eridan before, who say they like you as you are but eventually see you as something they can tame. You’ve lived on a ranch your whole life and you know better than anyone that there are just some animals you cannot break and you like to think you’re one of them.


	11. Chapter 11: The land of Detox hell and strong hugs.

A few days after Eridan had bought you the apartment he insists you stay with him at the estate so he can help you detox. You protest as much as you can mostly because you’re scared; you remember what you were like before the drugs you were sad all the time because you didn’t have a distraction. After a lot of sad looks from him you agree; you knew it would be uncomfortable but what you did not know is that it was going to be this painful. At first you were fine, you’d had benzos and a few other things a few hours before and all he wanted you to do was lay down in his bed. He talked to you for awhile to distract you and brought you comics to keep your mind off things but after a few more hours you started to get antsy. You wanted to get up, you wanted to go outside and once you got agitated that’s when he had the whole floor you were on closed off to all the staff except a nurse.

Eridan sits by your bed holding your hand the whole time as the aches come, you’re body literally feels like its dying and it’s worse than anything you’ve ever felt before. The shakes and vomiting are nothing compared to outright screams of pain that come out of your mouth while in that bed. You toss and turn so violently he gets scared and tries to hold you down afraid you might have a seizure but it only agitates you more. He takes most of your blows during the struggling.

Several times over the next few days you get out of bed and start throwing things around the room in a rage. You don’t even realize the extent of the damage you’re doing to his home, yourself, and him. The nurse Eridan has to help him is frail and cannot hold you down when you start to try and jump out of the three story window on the fifth day.

“Tavros, you’ve got to calm down. It’s okay; it’s going to be fine.” Eridan wraps his arms around your torso pulling you back to the bed; his usually perfectly styled hair is floppy and sweaty from fighting with you.

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I’ll kill you; I’ll slit your goddamn throat if you don’t let me go! Let me go!” You flail and spit in his face several times and he nods at the nurse to bring in the bed straps finally. He had tried to avoid them thinking that lying in bed with you and just trying to coax you down from the anxiety was going to be enough but between the suicide attempts and you constantly trying to hurt yourself every time he turns his back; he knows he has no choice. He has never done this before and he was starting to admit to himself that he was in over his head

The nurse comes back with the straps and helps him strap you down to the bed which only infuriates you more. Your stomach is twisting in tight knots and body tremors that rip through you with so much force you actually lose consciousness for over thirty minutes.

In those moments where you just lie there Eridan climbs in the bed beside you and squeezes you tight in a hug.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers and sheds a few tears out of pure exhaustion, he just wanted you to get better, but instead he felt like he was losing the good parts of you because of the violence. When a faint knock rattles the door which is only hanging on by one hinge due to your throwing yourself against it; he sits up and answers for them to come in.

Ampora Sr. walks in slowly looking from the smashed glass on the floor to the blood stains on the sheets from where you literally bit yourself during your rages.

“This is the type of person you wasted your time trying to find? You went through all that trouble finding this drug addict fool?” He said angrily.

Eridan narrows his gaze “You don’t know him dad, he’s going to get better soon I know he is, he didn’t mean to do anything—

“Yeah, they never do; guys like him. They never mean anything, so don’t waste your time getting involved with them do you hear me son?”

“But dad—

“Eridan, don’t disappoint me. I never thought I’d have to say that to you but I am only telling you one more time, do not disappoint me. I want this heathen off of my property in no less than 48 hours.” He snaps and then walks out of the room.

                                                                         ҉

When you do wake up again the nurse has to sedate you every few hours to make you actually sleep and to keep you from crying out. Eridan leaves you with her to get a little sleep around the afternoon and the severity of your rages and irritation comes to a slight plateau but you still can’t keep down anything you eat or drink which only serves to make you dehydrated and weak.

This, you have to admit is the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and of all the times you’ve ever been homesick this amplifies it by a thousand. It may seem childish but all you want more than anything is to talk to your mother, you’ve never felt this lonely in your whole life. That’s what the drugs had been for in the first place; to distract you from missing them. In the evening when the door opens you look up hoping to see Eridan so you can apologize but you’re shocked when you see Gamzee walk into the room, a grey cap on his head and a green jacket pulled over his usual pajama-esque attire.

You open your mouth to say something but a wave of tremors just causes you to close your eyes and flinch until they pass. He kneels down next to your bed and takes his hat off looking you over with a hint of sadness in his eyes. A part of you is happy to see him, another part of you wishes he hadn’t come for obvious reasons; you didn’t want anyone to see you like this, and you were just starting to pretend you were over Gamzee.

“How’d you get h-h-here?” Your voice comes out small and shaky and you regret him being here even more.

“I was calling your phone, I was texting you because I was worried about you. Then, I got a phone call from your number and it’s fucking Eridan, asking me to come see you. Now why did he get the idea I wanted to see your grubby face?” He tries to smile but it isn’t like his usually smile, this one is forced.

“It’s because he knows you’re the only one who can make me better.” You try to laugh but just end up doubled over from coughing really hard. He helps you lay back down and you’re too weak to say anything else to him.

“He’s not that bad.” He shrugs and looks around the room trying to think of anything to fill the gaps in the conversation.

“Why did you come?” You whisper.

“Because I think I fucking love you.” He stands up and starts walking towards the door. This is not what you needed, you wanted to try and forget Gamzee. He had said you were too much to handle in his life, he had said he didn’t want to face the idea of sharing you with Eridan and now he fucking loves you.

Great, just great.

You turn your head to follow his movements.

“I know, I know you do. So why did you leave me?”

“Who left you Tav? I just had to go downstairs to check on a few things but I was coming right back up.” Eridan walks through the door breaking your hallucination into shreds. You actually let out a whimper of sadness at the fact that you had imagined it all. It would make it easier on your heart if Gamzee could be there but in all reality you didn’t want him to see you like this.

“Are you okay?” Eridan stops short of his sentence and sits down on the bed beside you. You can’t hold it in anymore. You sit up and grab him into a tight hug and start crying your eyes out.

He tries to ask you what’s wrong but you can’t even get it out so he just ends up petting your head until you pull yourself together.

After a moment you let your grip on him go wiping at your face and taking a few deep breaths.

When you look up at him he leans forward and starts to kiss you, running his fingers through your sweaty hair.

You don’t pull back but you don’t push him away either because it feels comforting and strange. It’s not the way you would kiss someone you’re lusting after, but the way you kiss someone because they’re sad or you love them.

“I love you Tav, You’re the best friend I ever had. And I love you, too much if you ask me. So I need you to get better okay?” He pleads. You don’t know whether it because of the hallucination or because of the emotional rollercoaster the last few days have been but you know it’s going to take you a very long time to get better physically and emotionally. But at least one thing you know you can count on is that you won’t be going through it alone.

After awhile you both lay down under the covers and you rest your head on his chest and try to sleep for the first time without having to be sedated. Eridan talks and talks to you about all the fun things you’ll do together when you get better and that is the soundtrack you fall asleep to.

When you wake up you find the straps and medical supplies removed from the bed entirely and the room has been cleaned up. You sit up and look around noticing a bag resting at the foot of the bed.

You unzip it and notice it’s all of your things.

Eridan pops his head in and smiles at you. “Good you’re awake; I was thinking today we could get dressed and move you over to the apartment.” Unbeknownst you that’s just code for “My dad hates you so I have to take you somewhere else.” You just nod and let him dress you since you’re still feeling weak and a bit on edge.

When you walk downstairs towards the door, the staff and even Feferi give you small sympathetic smiles as they pass by you. After the third or fourth person does it you nudge Eridan In the ribs

“I was a nightmare wasn’t I? They look scared of me now.” You pout a little at the fact that no one will make eye contact with you except him. He tells you not to worry about it and shuffles you out to the car. Once you’re inside the car you take out your phone to text Equius and convince him to bring Nepeta to the apartment building on East 11th street. He agrees reluctantly and you do a silent rejoice as you put your phone away.

 

By the time Eridan gets in the car you’re starting to cheer up, happy that you have a chance to leave the Ampora residence and also that at least one of your friends is talking to you again. By the time you fight through the heavy traffic on Broadway, Equius is already parked outside of the building waiting for you. Eridan raises and eyebrow but the excited way you get out of the car lets him know this is someone you actually know.

“Equius, I don’t usually do this but I’m gotta hug you man, so incoming Tavros hugs coming at ya.” You rush forward and he leans down to hug you crushing you in the process.

“Incoming Tavros hugs received.” He laughs and lifts you up.

“Too tight Equius, no air.” You pant and he puts you back down on the ground ruffling your hair a bit.

“You look a lot better than I expected you to; detox hell really brings out the colors in your eyes.” He pretends to swoon over you and you laugh a little embarrassed as Eridan watches.

“This is my friend Equius, that’s Eridan. He took care of me.” You smile trying to lighten the mood. Equius’s former smile kind of fades and he just nods at Eridan who does the same in response. In their silence you can see something pass between them that’s unspoken, as if they’ve already met or are marking their territory with each other. Eridan was really starting to grow on you but you still worried about how most of your friends would receive him. He’s an acquired taste definitely so you hope it goes better with Nepeta.

“Where is she?” You break the silence and they both break their stare with each other.

“She’s in the backseat of the car, she said and I quote “You can bring the kitty to the milk but you can’t make her drink.” He shrugs.

You walk over to his SUV, struggling to get in since it sits so high up off the ground and you’re a bit on the short side.

You climb in the front seat and close the door, turning around in the seat to face Nepeta.

She doesn’t look angry or anything just shocked and reaches out to touch your face.

“What the hell Tavros?” She whispers. You guess you still look like hell, and you’re really not used to people staring as much.

“I’m okay, it’s just I stopped taking the pills.” You shrug it off like its nothing.

“Forever?” She sits up to play with your hair a little.

“I don’t know, I want to be done with it forever, but I’ve said that plenty of times. I’m just going to try.”

She nods and fiddles with the oversized shirt she’s wearing over some cutoff jeans.

“Nep, I love you a lot. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when everything happened. I don’t always have my priorities straight and I tend to ruin things for myself but not because they don’t matter. I ruin the things I love most in life, that’s just how I am. I try to destroy what I love before I lose it and it destroys me. I know I probably can’t convince you to still move into that apartment with me, but I just need you back you know?”

She nods slowly and runs a hand through her hair that’s gotten longer since you last saw her.

“I’m sorry for everything I said to you, I didn’t mean any of it except that part about loving you and you acting like you didn’t know it. I know deep down you knew it; otherwise you wouldn’t have taken care of me. I also know that whatever you had to do for money was because you just needed it to live. I was a downright ass to you, and I’m sorry.” She leans toward the front seat and kisses you quickly on the lips.

“I know everything you did was mostly for me, but you know I’m going to be okay. I think you need this apartment to be something that’s just for you, that’s just for Tavros only. I’m going to keep staying with Equius…I um kind of fancy him. He’s brave, and never mean, always honest. The same kinds of qualities you have.” She gives your hand a squeeze.

You’re happy you’re both talking again, but you’d be lying if you said you wished she’d still move in. But ultimately she’s right; you have to do this for you now and no one else.

“So, even though I’m not staying would you still be willing to show me what the place looks like?”

You smile and help her out of the car and start telling her all about the apartment as you walk inside, Eridan cuts in halfway to tell them about the obsidian tiles in the bathroom again which makes you happy that he’s starting come around to your friends.


	12. Chapter 12:  The season of forgiveness

For the next few months you think Eridan makes it his mission to keep you so busy you don’t have time to want to relapse. He spends a great deal of time with you at the apartment sometimes rarely going home except when wants to give you your space. As the holidays approach Eridan’s father has him sit in on more company meetings and attending all the social gatherings. He goes just to make sure Eridan meets a lot of people who could potentially want to work with him when he takes over his father’s boat restoration company, charity work, fishery, restaurant chains and the thousands of storage units over the east coast.

Of course that means the more work Eridan has to do the more you have to go with him. You like sitting in on the meetings that he has to go to because you get to learn a lot about his family legacy and how his future is planned out. At social gatherings you usually just lag behind him smiling at people and going to fetch him drinks or anything he might need. You laugh to yourself about how much you worried about working for Eridan when really it’s been the most fun you’ve had since you got to the city.

The only times during the week you aren’t with Eridan are when you take your classes at school. Eridan had helped you figure out what it is you want to study, you had decided on wanting become a counselor for kids like yourself with a minor in journalism. College is a lot harder than you expected since you struggle in certain subjects but he helps you with all of it when he can.

In December you have a break from school and Eridan takes that time to take a break from helping his father manage their businesses. One evening while at the apartment together you decide to throw a Christmas/house warming party with all your friends.

All month long you buy decorations and a even a tree together  to make the apartment look really homey, it gives you a little homesickness in your heart but you try to fight through it. As the days wind down to Christmas you finally sit down and talk about who you’re inviting.

“Is there anyone you wanted to invite?” you ask him while sitting at the kitchen table. He’s pecking away at his PDA and you think he doesn’t hear you when he finally throws the thing on the table and sighs

“I have to be honest with you; Christmas isn’t one of my favourite holidays. I know I’m being a scrooge here it’s just; every year Christmas for me has meant eating dinner with my father at our house. The employees are all gone and it’s just him and I in silence eating traditional Greek food like my grandmother used to make for him when he was a boy. And every year he complains it’ll never be like her cooking and I just nod. But mainly, we don’t buy each other presents because there’s nothing either of us needs or wants that we don’t already have so it ruins it for me.”

You kind of smirk a little at the thought of all that, you’d never heard of someone being so rich they don’t find Christmas fun anymore.

“I understand, so you don’t want to have a party?” You go over and sit next to him on the couch.

“No, that’s the thing I’m actually excited this year for once because I have you, we can buy Christmas presents for all our friends together and I know it’ll mean something to you.”

“Are you trying to say I’m the light of your life?” you pretend to swoon and end up falling into his lap.

“Yeah, pretty much.” He ruffles your hair.

After you go over the list of friends you’re inviting a couple of times you end up with, Feferi, Eridan, Equius, Rufioh, Horuss, Nepeta, and few friends from school. You leave a few spaces blank wondering if you should invite Gamzee and all his friends…you’re scared they won’t come or that they’re still harboring weird feeling towards you for what happened between you and him.

You wait until Eridan leaves to address the invitations to Karkat and Gamzee making sure to remind them to bring their friends if they want to come. You triple check to make sure you get the address and apartment number right before sending it off in the mail.

It gives you anxiety to think about seeing them all again but you just hope that this really is the season of forgiveness.

 

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With everyone’s presents wrapped and ready under the gigantic tree you and Eridan picked out, the holidays finally arrive. On Christmas Eve you both set up all the snacks and games to entertain your friends, Eridan even let’s up on you putting alcohol in the egg nog and at seven everyone starts to trickle in.

Fashionably early are Equius and Nepeta; She wears a red dress with fur trimming and you compliment her on the little red sweater with a picture of a cat on the front she’s squeezed Equius into. You all start drinking and talking when Feferi armed with gifts and a few of your college friends pop in to chat as well.

Everything’s going better than you expected, even Eridan is becoming a lot warmer to Equius giving him a hug when he walked in. You sit at the kitchen counter frosting the last few cookies just happy to be around everyone.

This time a few months ago it’d have worried you to be in a room with these people at the same time, but somehow you’ve found your own little family in them and that makes things better. As for your actual family, you send each of them presents and cards asking them to call you and telling them you might visit them soon when you have another break from school. You’re not even sure if they’d want to see you but you try to have hope.

As you all wind down and begin eating there’s a tapping noise on the door. Everyone looks around wondering who else it could be but you’re just praying it is who you hope.

When you open the door you see Terezi and Dave, Terezi had used her cane to knock on the door and behind her you can see Sollux and Aradia.  
“I’m so glad you guys are here.” You smile at up at them.

“It smells good in here, and of course we we’re going to come Tavros, free food.” She laughs and she and Dave head right over to the table and start talking to everyone while you hang up their coats. Aradia throws an arm around you in a hug and Sollux just throws up a hand in greeting

“Thanks for coming guys, Sollux you look different without your face glued to a videogame screen.” You joke.

“Give me time Nitram.” He holds up his hands to show you the videogames he’s brought over, you hang their coats as well and lead them over to the table and tell them to help themselves to anything they like. As you’re walking back to answer the door again you can see Eridan silently pleading with his eyes for you to hurry and return to the table, when Terezi hops into your seat and starts poking at him and firing off questions about why he smells so good.

When you open the door again, you’re glad to see Rose and Kanaya pile in. They give you a gift and then head over to join the others. Just as you’re about to close the door you hear a “Wait for us.” from the hallway. You poke your head out to see Karkat with a pile of gifts and a cake stacked in his arms, Gamzee beside him trying to help him balance it.

You’re heart does a little dance seeing them and you thank the gods for granting your Christmas wish.

Karkat walks right in putting his load down on the table before walking back over and talking to you.

“Tavros, this place is fucking sweet, and you look pretty good, how’ve you been feeling?” He puts a hand on your shoulder and you shrug trying to downplay it a bit.

“It’s been hard, but you know I just have to try and stick with it.”That’s the kind of thing you always say when anyone asks. Addiction isn’t just something you go through; you also have it hanging with you wherever you go. You just hope that you’ll actually stop craving the high you used to get and try and do more good things than bad so people will someday forget that was even part of your life.

Karkat just nods and yells over at Dave that he better had saved him a seat leaving you and Gamzee at the door.

“Hey, Merry Christmas.” Gamzee smiles at you and you both hug tightly for a minute.

“You look good, how’ve you been?” You take his coat and hang it up with the others.

“I’ve been alright, working ya know trying to keep busy.”  You don’t like the adult small talk you’re having. You know it’s only because everyone seems to be staring at the two of you that you keep it casual.

“I got you a house warming gift.” He hands you a box and you thank him and walk over to put it under the tree. When you turn around you watch him walk over to the table and snag a seat between Karkat and Sollux.

You take a minute to look over everyone eating, talking, and fighting for elbow room at the table. You’ve never been this happy before, and the more you think about it you don’t think you ever will be again so you’re gonna enjoy it while it lasts.

You squeeze in next to Eridan again and eat and talk amongst yourselves for awhile. Eridan had hired catering for most of the food, leaving only the desserts and certain dishes to you so you all eat until you can’t move. Putting alcohol in the eggnog proved to be a great idea you decide when it loosens Equius and Eridan up enough to start singing Christmas carols very badly in the living room for the Christmas video they were making.

Eventually everyone clears out from the table and you start putting the dishes in the sink.

“Want some help?” Gamzee leans against the kitchen counter. You finally had time to actually look him over. He had managed to apply some neatness to his usually wild hair and was clean shaven. You liked that he had put on a sweater and jeans which accentuated his muscles and shape pretty well.

“Sure, I’m just going to move these into the sink and then head back in there.” You nod back at the living room.

You both put the dishes in the dishwasher and sink occasionally sneaking smiles and looks at each other.

“You know, I’m proud of you for trying to get yourself together.” He says once you’re done.

You nod feeling a weight lift off your chest a bit.

“And one more thing…Mistletoe.” He points up and you laugh wondering when Eridan had made the time to put it all over the kitchen ceiling and above the doorways. He kisses you on the forehead and walks into the living room. You stand there with your eyes closed; it’s not exactly the kiss you wanted but it was a start. You take a few deep breaths and turn to walk into the living room when you see Eridan looking at you while sipping egg nog. You can tell he saw the kiss and search his face for a sign of how he feels but he just looks away and starts talking to Feferi.

 

In the middle of you recording the video of Rufioh and Horuss’s mistletoe kiss the phone rings and you hand the camera over to Karkat who starts providing his own narration of what everyone’s doing which makes everyone laugh louder.

When you first pick up the phone you can barely hear so you walk over into the kitchen still straining to hear through the static.

“Hello?”

“Tavros? Hello? It’s mama, you there?” You’re heart flies up to your throat. You lean against the counter to keep your knees from giving away.

“Hola mama. I miss you.” You can feel yourself getting emotional at the sound of her voice.

“Tavros, we we’re so worried about you, why didn’t you tell us where you were going? You know its okay to talk to me. I worried day and night where you were.” She says softly. You can only nod at this point feeling the choke of tears coming on.

“I know mama. Did you get the presents I sent?”

“Yes, the boys are so excited to open them.” She laughs and you can hear them talking in the background.

“Here, you’re on speaker, say hi.” She tells them and you can hear them shuffle over to the phone.

“Tavros! We miss you, guess what?” You can hear your little brother Tait speak first.

“What buddy?” You smile imagining his cute little face.

“Esperanza had a calf, she’s so pretty we named her buttercup, I wanted to name her Speedy because she’s trying to run already.” He giggles, and you miss the horses and the ranch, you even miss the smell of the stalls and hay.

You’re two eldest brother’s just say hi and ask you what New York is like and how Rufioh is doing. They all take turns asking if you’ve been to the statue of liberty or been to any sports events. Eventually they all wander away and you talk to your sister’s Teresa and Marisol about school and how much you miss them,

“Tavros, You’re father wants to speak, so here.” Your mother says and you can hear her take you off speaker.

“Hey Dad.” You know no matter how old you get you’ll always turn into a little kid in front of your father. You love him so much and you value his opinion and need his approval more than anyone else’s.

“It’s good to hear your voice son.” He sounds older and tired. You wish you could hug him. This just makes you tear up even more.

“It’s good to hear your voice too dad.” You’re voice starts to go out and you stop bothering trying to hold back the tears.

“You know, I was so angry that you had left; but after while, I realized you had to go find your own way. We parents, always think we know what our kids need better than they do. I miss you, and I want you to come home soon I need to see you, I have to see you. I hear you live well there now, and I’m proud of you, you hear me?” You nod at the phone for a minute and he laughs a little knowing you’re crying too much to talk because he’s your father. He knows you always cry when he talks to you and he used to scold you for it bit not today.

“Thank you for our gifts, and thinking of us. Come down after the holidays okay? And take care of yourself son, you can call us at any time, and tell Rufioh we miss him too. I’m putting you on speaker now, here’s everyone.”  You wait to hear everyone walk over to the phone

“Merry Christmas Tavros!” They all say together and you wipe at your eyes.

“Merry Christmas guys, I’ll talk to you soon okay? Bye.”

When you hang up you cover your face and take a few deep breaths trying to calm down. You notice its quiet in the room and when you turn around everyone’s looking at you.

“Who was that Tav?” Terezi says quietly.

“It was my mom, my dad, and my brothers and sisters.” You sniff.

“They aren’t even mad at me, not one little bit. I’m such a shit brother.” You turn and walk into your room and close the door.

You sit down on the bed and let out all the homesick feels out finally. You feel happy because you love your family and they still love you no matter all the grief you put them through by running away. You feel sorry to your brothers because you know that you’re fathers getting older and he needs help on the ranch which was usually your job but now that you left you know all that eight falls on your little brothers. You don’t want them breaking their back working and getting calloused hands like you used to.

Somehow through all the emotions you’re going through you never stop being happy and grateful.

The door opens and everyone piles in and gathers around you, Feferi and Aradia sit on both sides of you and hug you.

“Are you okay?” Gamzee says standing near the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine I’m just, happy. I’m so fucking happy you know? I’m happy you guys are here I’m happy it’s Christmas eve, I’m happy I’m alive, and I’m happy about all of it. Really, thank you guys for spending the holidays with me. It means everything.” You wipe your face and they all give you a smile before they start walking back to the living room.

Gamzee hangs back as you try and pull yourself together. You stand and start walking towards the door when he reaches out and grabs your arm

You look at him and he kisses you, the kind of kiss you had wanted all along; the kind where someone holds your cheek as if you’re precious to them. You kiss him back and then you just hug extra tight.

“What was that for?” You sigh into his neck.

“Because I love you. And because—

He pulls back and points up above your heads.

“Mistletoe.” He smiles the big smile that you love so much. You smile back glad that conversation you imagined with him at Eridan’s house had been a hallucination because this was ten times better.


	13. Chapter 13: Tease me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains smut ;) be warned.  
> and I havent written smut before so, enjoy :) i tried

Everyone ends up spending the night at the apartment except a few of your college friends who head home to spend the rest of the holidays with their families. You and Eridan get blankets and make sleeping arrangements for everyone else. Aradia and Sollux in the living room with Dave and Terezi, Rose and Kanaya take the space in front of the fireplace and you give Karkat and Gamzee the spare room along with Equius and Nepeta. Rufioh and Horuss tell you they’re heading on to their own place but will be back tomorrow sometime.

After you get everyone set up with where they’re sleeping they put on a movie in the living room and everyone winds down for the rest of the night. Eridan says bye to everyone and starts to gather his jacket and you follow him to the door.

“You aren’t going to stay the night?” You haven’t really had a chance to talk to him and he hasn’t said much to you since dinner. You hate the silence between you, its worse than the kind of quietness a parent gives when they’re disappointed in you.

“No, I’m going back home, I need my bed it’s been a long day. I’ll be back tomorrow though.” He gives you a small smile and heads out the door. You don’t like the sound of his goodbye, and you don’t like the idea of him being upset at you. But you dwell on it though and go back to laugh at Karkat and Sollux make fun of _It’s a Wonderful Life_ against the girl’s protests.

Around midnight everyone starts trickling away to get ready for bed and by the time the movie is over, you’re ready too. You watch Karkat and Gamzee shuffle off down the hall so you turn all the lights out in the kitchen and head to your bed. You take your shirt off and try to call Eridan to see if he got home okay and to say goodnight but you just get his voicemail instead.

You throw your phone on the dresser and lie back on the bed finally realizing how tired you are. This whole party and all the planning that went in had taken weeks and had gone a lot better than you ever expected. There’s a small knock on your door and you sit up thinking it’s someone coming to say goodnight.

Gamzee pops his head in then comes in and closes the door behind him.

“Hey.” He smiles leaning against the door; you smile back and motion him over to the bed. He sits down next to you and you wait for him to say something.

“Thanks for inviting us here. This place is amazing.” He nods looking around the room. You can only smile and think that without help from Eridan it all wouldn’t be possible.

“Did you need anything?” You cross your arms remembering you’re shirtless still.

“I do” he leans forward and wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you closer to kiss you.

“Let me guess, Mistletoe?” You laugh a little. He looks up and shakes his head.

“Not this time.” You don’t resist when he pushes you down on the bed gently and lies on top of you. You pray that this is not a hallucination because this is what you’ve been waiting for since the moment you saw him tonight.

Relaxing into the comfort of the mattress you let your hands wander down his back and under his shirt to feel his chest while he‘s kissing you and teasing your tongue with his.

Gamzee puts your arms above your head and laces his fingers with yours holding you down as he starts kissing and bite you gently from your ear to your chest going further down each time. You try to stifle a moan when he licks one of your nipples and starts tugging at your jeans trying to pull them down.

He whispers for you not to move and he moves off the bed until he’s kneeling on the floor in front of you. You start blushing when he unbuttons and unzips your pants pulling them off and throwing them in the corner. You sit up on your elbows and blush down at him when he tries to take your underwear off too. This isn’t like being naked in front of a random stranger when you were high; Gamzee turns you into someone new, someone shy.

“Don’t worry.” He smiles a little and leans forward to kiss your stomach.

“Lie back.” He whispers. You feel nervous but lie back on the bed trusting him. He inches your underwear down slowly, kissing your belly button and moving down further until he’s kissing your hip bones which only drives you more insane by the second.

“Gamzee.” You beg a little and you can hear him laugh quietly.

“Be patient.”

“You’re teasing me.” You whine a little. He pulls your underwear all the way off and you feel a bit embarrassed by your obvious erection. Of course he begins to rub against it to tease you until you can’t take it. He kisses gently up and down the shaft of your dick making you moan louder when he brushes his lips against the head of it causing you to arch your back. The more he touches you the harder it is to hold in your moans in the quiet apartment.

He grabs your hips and pulls you towards him finally taking you inside his mouth and sucking gently and very slowly. You gasp loudly before shuddering at the chills it sends up your spine. Tiny goose bumps prickle up over your skin sending your heart into a frenzy. You love the care he takes with your body; no one has ever touched you so delicately. No one has ever given your body that kind of reaction or driven you so crazy by only giving you what you wanted when he was ready to give it to you. You run your fingers through his hair moaning his name as you try to buck your hips forward to make him go faster but he restrains you by holding you in place which only makes you groan in frustration.

“Don’t tease me, I want you.” You whisper and he smiles as if those are the magic words. He stops and moves back over top of you so you can get him out of his clothes. Moving further up on the bed you pull his shirt off over his head and hurry to take his pants off, shoving your hand down the front of his boxers to touch and tease him into a slight moan.

He pulls his underwear off finally and you get under the covers your heart beating hard in your chest. For a moment he just stares at you outlining your lips with his thumb

“Ready?” He smiles placing both of his big hands on your hips to pull you against him so you fit together like a mold. You nod and fail to hold in your moan when he enters you slowly, he takes care to make sure you’re comfortable before starting to thrust quickly and deeply. You don’t care; you don’t care about anything anymore, not being quiet or discreet or anything. You’re in love with him and every little thing he does feels so good.

The faster he goes the deeper you claw into his back which he doesn’t mind— telling you to do it harder as he strokes your erection while he moves in you bringing you closer and closer to orgasm. You love the gruff little moans he lets out and the way he whispers your name. After awhile he picks up speed and you can’t take anymore; you’re ready and let out a loud gasp begging him to move faster until you spill into his hand that’d been stroking your dick.

Once you’re done coming you let out a satisfied sigh and then whisper “I love you.”

He hoists you up and rolls over on the bed so you’re on top of him. You put your palms against his lacing your fingers together again as you straddle him and start to ride him. Only this time do you try to be a little quieter with your moans so you can cherish his, you like that you’re louder than he is in bed. It doesn’t take long for his breathing to speed up and he lets out a moan before whispering“Fuck” while forcing you to move faster until he starts coming. You only stop once you feel him tense up and you collapse on top of him in ecstasy.

“I love you too.” He says kissing the top of your head.

You both just lie there panting and trying to control your breathing for a long time until you decide to ask a question that’s been burning in your mind since he first kissed you tonight. You move from on top of him and curl up next to him.

“Why did you change your mind about me Gamzee?” You can’t help but wonder, since the last time you spoke at his place he had said there was too much to work out. He takes a deep breath and turns over on his side to face you, pulling you against him until his chin is resting on the top of your head.

“Because I woke up every day and reached over in my bed and you weren’t there. When I woke up the first and only thing I wanted was you. At first I told myself I had  to try and get over it by working so much I didn’t have time to think about you. But every day I finished work I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to hold you and kiss you and I realized I made a mistake.”

He lifts your head up to look into your eyes.

“I made a mistake letting you leave thinking that I didn’t love you. Then when I found out you were suffering through the detoxing I wanted to go to you. Then the invitation you sent in the mail came and I knew I had to get you back.”

“And Karkat yelled at me constantly about how dumb I was for letting you leave, so there’s that too. He’s never liked anyone I’ve dated except you and that’s saying something.”

You’re minds racing a million miles a minute and so is your heart but that’s the only thing that seems to get through to you. He loves you, Gamzee Makara loves you back.

You lay next to each other holding hands and just looking at each other and smiling trying to fight sleep. Eventually he starts to nod off and you play with his hair and kiss his lips while he sleeps.

Once you hear his light snores you walk to the bathroom and take a quick shower. The moment you get out and turn the light off you swear you’re asleep before your head even hit’s the pillow.

Officially today is the best day of your whole life. You had the greatest time with the greatest friends, you got to hear from your family, you’ve officially been sober for three weeks, and you got to make love for the first time with Gamzee.

Tomorrow is Christmas day, but nothing under that tree in there can compare to the gift you have in bed next to you.


	14. Chapter 14: Nothing gold can stay.

The next morning you’re awakened by the sound of Nepeta bursting into your door.

“Merry Christmas Tavros—

“Oops.” She giggles once you and Gamzee sit up in bed, pulling the covers up around you.

“Merry Christmas Nep,” She jumps on the bed to hug and kiss you.

“Hurry and come out okay, we’re waiting on you two to come open presents.” She’s so excited she can barely keep still. You tell her you’ll be there in a minute and you and Gamzee groggily pull on a few articles of clothing and walk out through the kitchen and into the living room.

When you walk in all your friends look at the both of you and start clapping and cheering. You cover your face from embarrassment and Gamzee just shakes his head.

“Let me be the first to say fucking _finally_!” Karkat yells and everyone laughs toasting you with their mugs of coffee.

“Congrats on the sex, Merry Christmas, blah blah let’s open presents!” Nepeta yelps and everyone starts sorting through the pile of presents with their names on them. You and Gamzee take a seat on the floor and watch them while filming their reactions on the camera.

You bought Nepeta lots of colorful clothing and the best art supplies you could find. She squeals and hugs you extra tight before taking her pencils and moving to the kitchen and starts sketching a portrait of all of you.

You picked out clothes, workout equipment and books about horses for Equius who knocks the wind out of you with his big hug. Sollux and Karkat get videogames which they love and start playing right away, for Aradia you bought jewelry since you weren’t very sure what she would like, but she says she loves it and hugs you. For Rose you bought lots of yarn and fabrics for her to make more clothes which she thanks you for. Kanaya is content with the books and very fashionable clothes you picked out for her.

For Terezi you buy her a couple of choice CD’s to enjoy a long with a series of  law Audiobooks and even crime show DVD’s to entertain her affinity for the court systems. She gives you a bonk on the head with her cane and a thanks.

Dave being Dave you worried a lot about what to get him. Eventually after thinking about the little you do know about him, you bought him a high grade professional mixing table with lots of blank CD’s and tapes to record his tracks and bulk case of fancy apple juice, the kind that they use for hotels and expensive catering. He thanks you and once everyone had gotten their things you bring out Gamzee’s presents. For Gamzee you only buy clothes you know he’s going to like and wear just as much as his everyday clothes. On top of that you also buy him some very pricey cooking equipment knowing how much he loves to cook, along with lots of romantic candies, and CD’s of artists you know he likes. He kisses you prompting an “aww” from the group which makes you blush.

Gamzee gets your gift from the room where his clothes are and you’re surprised when he hands you an envelope.

“What’s this, a card?” You joke and everyone watches as you tear it open. You reach inside and pull out a plane ticket; you’re confused at first until you see the destination is Arizona. You look up at him starting to tear up

There was no way he bought it last night when your parents called, that means he had planned to give you the one thing he knew you needed all along.

“That’s not all I got you, there’s more stuff I made but I’ll give it to you later.” He smiles and you jump up into his arms and hug him as tight as you can.

“Thank you so much.”

“It’s my motherfucking pleasure. Now, who wants breakfast? Might as well put this stuff to use.” He puts you down and picks up his gift and heads into the kitchen.

While Gamzee fixes a big breakfast and everyone else is enjoying their gifts and talking you walk back to your room and check your phone. No morning call from Eridan yet. You check all the alarms on the phone to make sure they’re set, knowing he calls you every morning exactly at eight whether you need to come to his house for the day or not it’s not like him not to call.

You call his phone but still only get the voicemail, you even call Feferi but she’s in the middle of enjoying her Christmas morning with her family so you cut the conversation short. The more you think about it, the more you worry but decide to put it out of mind until after breakfast and everyone leaves to go over and check on him.

You look through your drawer ready to get your clothes and take a shower when sitting on top of your shirts is a large box that’d been gift wrapped.

You pull out the card on top of it to read it

_To the best mate a guy could have._

_Tav, I got these for us, I have one and you have one. I love you and Merry Christmas_

_Yours, Eridan Ampora_

You rip off the paper and see a large solid gold frame with a collage of pictures you and he had taken together over the past couple of months. You run your fingers over the glass smiling at the pictures you’d taken where he acted silly or snuck in a kiss on the cheek at the last minute.

The frame has little fish engraved in it along the sides until you get to the bottom where underneath the picture of you both in the apartment it says “For the halibut.”Which you assume is some kind of play on words for Hell of it, and you laugh at the crappiness of the joke. Eridan had given you so much that while you had been shopping you’d asked him not to buy you a Christmas present and he’d protested but said okay. You knew he couldn’t resist and really it’s exactly the kind of thing you love

You hug it to your chest and carry it to the living room asking Equius to reach up and hang it above the fireplace for you. Everyone gathers around to look at the pictures and poke fun at the funny pictures you took

“Where is Ampora anyway?” Karkat says and you shrug sadly.

“I tried to call him, but I get voicemail. I’m a bit worried about him, so I’m going to go over later and take him his present and check on him.”

 

Gamzee announces that breakfast is ready and everyone leaves your side to rush to the kitchen, Karkat yelling he has dibs on using the toaster first for his bread.

You join them in eating and joking around until you’re so full you can barely move. Around the afternoon you start packing up most of the leftover food you’d had for dinner ready to send all it down the road with them when they left.

Once they got all their things together they all helped you put everything away and clean the kitchen up before loading up in their cars and leaving. Nepeta and Equius stay the latest making sure you’re set before heading off to see Equius’s parents. You send Horuss’s and Rufioh’s gifts by them since you know he passes their new place together on his way home. Nepeta hands you the sketch she did of all of you before she leaves and you marvel at her technique promising her you’ll find a frame for it and hang it in the living room.

Once the door closes the apartment is finally quiet. You look over at Gamzee who had decided not to head back with Karkat and stay with you.

You walk over and wrap your arms around him just hugging until he pulls back.

“You want to get back in bed?”  You laugh a little.

“I do, but I really want to go check on Eridan first to make sure he’s okay, do you mind?” You bite your lip nervously, not sure how he feels about Eridan since you first talked about him.

“Hey, it’s all water under the motherfucking bridge as far as I’m concerned I mean, you’re with me, and I can tell you also care about him so I’m going to work with it.”

“Thanks, you’re the best.” You peck his cheek and start to walk back to the room to get dressed.

“Did you want me ride with you there? I won’t go in or anything, it might be weird.” He laughs.

“Yeah, I do. Then we’ll come back and be lazy in bed all day, deal?”

“Deal” He nods before picking up and carrying you into the shower with him.

                                                                ҉

You pull up to the Ampora Estate around two a nervous knot twisting in the pit of your stomach. Gamzee pats your hand and you take a deep breath before going in. You get buzzed in at the gate and head straight up to his room.

You knock on the door but don’t hear a reply and start to wonder if he’s actually here. You turn the knob and head inside the room. The first thing you notice is how dark the room is, the shades are drawn and there’s faint music playing on a radio on the dresser. You look at the bed and see Eridan curled up in a ball on his side still dressed in the clothes he left the apartment in last night.

You walk over to his side of the bed and sit on the bed next to him. He’s not sleeping, but laying there staring sadly at the wall.

“Eridan, why’s your phone off? I tried calling you a million times. What’s wrong?” You put your hand on his shoulder. He sits up and grabs you into a forceful kiss, but he’s being too rough and you pull away. You hate being kissed like that and he knows it.  When you pull away he stares at you starting to tear up

“Love me back, as your boss I order you, no I demand for you to love me back. Please love me back.” He lowers his head in defeat.

“What are you talking about? I do love you.” You can feel the sad feeling tugging in your chest growing.

“But you don’t love me like you love him, I fix you from the bottom up, I got you clean, I gave you everything you have and it’s still not enough for me to be better than that fucking idiot! No matter what I say, no matter how many times I say I love you, you don’t accept it.”He yells. You can’t hide how much that hurts you as you move away from him.

“You did give me things, but you did not give me _everything_. You gave me a place to live, an opportunity to live well and go to school; even friendship but you didn’t create me Eridan stop bullshitting yourself. And second of all how fucking dare you say you “fixed me”, that’s why I could never love you that way, because if you loved me you could have loved me the exact fucked up way I was. You feel like you had to try and tame, break, and groom me up to your standards before you even started liking me!” You yell back trying not to cry.

He stands up and tries to kiss you again but you push him away.

“I fucking knew I should have listened to my father. He told me so many times not to invest my time in such a fuck up like you and I didn’t listen because I wanted you so bad and now—!”

You shake your head and back away from him. He covers his mouth as if he didn’t mean to say it.

“Fuck, Tavros I didn’t mean that, I didn’t mean that how it sounded.” He tries to reach out and touch you but you head towards the door tears blurring your vision.

“You know, you’re the only best friend I’ve ever had. And the worst part of all is I love you, really love you with everything I have. I need you to be in my life and support me through this, even though you don’t like Gamzee friends are supposed to be there for each other. But now I can see that you Eridan Ampora are no friend of mine. I fucking quit you, you cross dressing, too much hair gel wearing, insecure fuck up! I quit, sue me I don’t give a damn.” You throw his Christmas present at him and storm out of the room you’re hands shaking as you run down the corridor and take the elevator down.

You march towards the door with tears streaking your face when you pass Feferi.

“Oh hi Tavros…what’s wrong?” She reaches out to touch your arm but you snatch away and run out of the doors. You throw open the car door and climb in breaking down in loud quaking sobs.

“Tavros? Tav, stop, don’t cry. What did he do? Tell me what he did, did he touch you? +I’ll break that motherfucker’s legs I swear.” Gamzee hugs you and grows angrier by the minute. You can’t even begin to tell him what happened so he gets out of the car and picks you up and puts you in the passenger side so he can drive.

You turn your back to him in the seat and sob even harder into the crook of your arm. He just rubs your back and tries to calm you down as he speeds away from the Ampora Estate cursing Eridan the whole way.

Deep down you knew this would happen; every time something very good happens to you like yesterday soon after everything turns to shit. Nothing ever lasts; nothing gold can stay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah my poor babies T^T


	15. Chapter 15: Homeward

After you and Eridan’s fight you couldn't help but mope around; you tried not to around Gamzee though.You hate fighting with people it makes you feel physically tired and drained as if all your energy’s going towards your sadness and nothing else. After a few days Gamzee convinces you to take the trip to see your parents to get your mind of things. You’re reluctant at first but when he announces he’ll come with you, you find yourself getting a bit more excited.

You pack for a few days and make arrangements for Karkat to watch the apartment while Sollux and Aradia watch his house. He has no problem with that saying he felt like it was a vacation to a hotel. On the 27th you depart from the airport and head homeward.

The flight to Arizona is so nerve wracking you manage to get absolutely no sleep the whole way there. You just sit in your seat and watch Gamzee sleep worrying over every little thing. You worry about what Eridan will do when he finds out you went back home, you worry about seeing your family again, knowing you’re not the childish son they last saw; you look rail thin and still a bit pale from going through the detox. Most of all you worry about introducing your family to Gamzee, not because of anything about him, but because you’re family makes up about eight people and you don’t want to overwhelm him. 

When your plan finally touches down he’s nearly bouncing off the walls excited to meet them. You grab your bags and head through the airport to suffer through airport security and glare when the security check all of Gamzee’s things extra close after hearing his last name. Once you’re done you sit with both yours luggage while he goes to call a car to pick you up and drive you to your parents.

It takes about twenty to thirty minutes for the car to pick you both up and Gamzee looks out of the window asking you about everything he sees. You ruffle his hair amused at how happy gets over little things. The moment the car starts to turn on your old street you get more nervous.

Before the car can even fully stop Gamzee’s undoing his seatbelt and hops out to get your bags. 

You pay the driver and help him get your things out of the car and start the walk up the long path towards your childhood home.

“Is this whole place your parents?” He looks around and see’s the horses grazing in the back.

“Yeah, we breed, sell, and train horses here. Back in the day everyone came to my father for horses and to train their horses. We had a lot of clients because not a lot of people were breeding the kinds of quality horses and livestock my dad was. Of course as the years went on more people started up their own businesses just like ours for cheaper but the quality of their work wasn’t the same. These days’ large chains handle things like this leaving my parents ranch to suffer. Dad he’ll never sell it though, and that he’d sell the horses before he ever sold out house.” He nods thoughtfully.

“By the way, make sure you take pictures for Equius, he would love it here.” He reminds you and you pat the disposable camera in your pocket when you hear the front door open in front of you.

A head pops out and you see your sister squint before letting out a scream.

“Mommy! Tavros is here!” From where you stand in the driveway you can hear your whole family run down the stairs and soon you see their faces in the doorway. You drop your bags and they all charge at you nearly knocking you down.

“Me first he’s my boy.” You mother grabs you in a tight hug. She’s just as she always is, round, with dig dimples and her long black and silver hair pulled back into a ponytail. You’re nearly taller than her now and that makes you feel old. Next you’re sisters give you a quick hug and tease you about how cool you think are because of your light beard and hairstyle. You’re dad hugs you really tight as well and you try and resist the urge to tear up in front of him.

After them of course are your older brothers who just say hey coolly before moving out of the way of your youngest brother Tait who jumps up into your arms and wraps his legs around you. You hug him the tightest, you love all your siblings but no one in your family shows you as much as your little brother Tait. If you could have him with you always you would. 

Finally Gamzee finishes dragging your bags down the path to the porch and your family turns their attention to him.

“Oh, family, this is Gamzee Makara, my boyfriend.” You can’t help but smile when you say boyfriend and he flashes everyone a huge smile. At first no one says anything, and you’re not sure what to say next. 

Finally your mother says, “You love Tavros?” very sternly. Gamzee grabs your hand

“Most assuredly.” He smiles and your mother nods.

“That’s good enough for me! Welcome to the family.” She laughs and she hugs him. The rest of your family smiles then too and gathers around to hug and shake hands with Gamzee, even your father. 

You decide then that you could die right now it would be just fine, because this is the definition of a perfect moment. Gamzee makes the mistake of telling your mother he likes cooking and she drags him inside towards the kitchen to show him how to make all your favourite foods so he can make sure you eat well back in New York. 

On your fathers command your brothers take you and Gamzee’s bags inside and he motions for you to follow him to the stalls. When you walk in you breathe in the smells and you know this is what home smells like. Your dad leads you to the third stall on the right and opens it to show your horse Esperanza.

You’re father gave Esperanza to you when you were six years old, she was a wild horse and wouldn’t let anyone ride her no matter how many times your father or brothers had tried with her. Feeling defeated they left her out in the backyard one day and had told you numerous times to stay away from her because if she threw you off the horse you knew your father would be pissed.

But like the mischievous kid you were, you managed to let her mount her and you rode her all around the yard not realizing your father was watching. When you saw him you got off of her and walked over to him thinking you’d be in trouble but actually he’s said she was your horse now and you had to take care of her. 

Now that you think about it though, that day set the tone for your whole life; Your parents had told you numerous times about the dangers of big cities like the one you'd run away to and just like riding Esperanza you got thrown on your ass a couple of times before you actually got the hang of it. Being here now just makes you feel sure that no matter where you go or what happens next you might come out on top from sheer dumb luck. 

“So, is that Gamzee guy a good guy?” Your father says breaking the silence.

“Yeah dad, he’s great.” You feel a little embarrassed talking about it with him since he’s more of those “I’d rather not know” parents. He nods and then puts a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m proud of you son. I don't really understand the choices you made, but I respect them.” He walks back out of the stalls and towards the house. You know you’ve never really heard him say that to you before face to face, you guess you always knew it but knowing you’re dad was proud of you no matter what is the greatest thing you’ve ever achieved.

҉

Over the next week your family and Gamzee become really close, sharing times together on the ranch and hunting occasionally. You feel happy just watching them all interact with each other. When your father tries to teach Gamzee how to ride one of the horses, he ends up making your father laugh harder than you’ve ever seen him do so. You're not afraid to come home anymore, In fact you feel more at home now than you ever did growing up

On the day that you have to leave everyone hugs Gamzee just as tight as they hug you and that warms your insides. Your mother writes all her secret recipes down for Gamzee to make for you back home and he guards them with his life. It’s hard to let go of your siblings and parents but you know they’ll call you often and you know you’ll visit again in the summer or have them come up to New York.

On the plane ride back all your nerves are settled and you sleep soundlessly the whole way there. You can’t wait to get back to the apartment but are a little nervous there won't be an apartment to come home to after that fight with Eridan. You decide as you pull up to the building that no matter what, as long as you’re together with Gamzee you don’t really care if Eridan takes back everything he gave to you, which wouldn’t be smart considering it’d be a violation of the contract you signed. It's funny because you both were getting so close and you've come to love him like your own family so much you'd forgotten the contract up until a week ago.

“I’m just ready to hit the bed how about you?” Gamzee says once you get on the fifth floor. 

“Yes oh my god, let’s put the bags down and just die right there on the bed. I haven’t been this tired in a long time.” You laugh fiddling with your keys. Once you open the door you see several heads pop up and you see Karkat and the rest of your little gang watching a movie

“Hey, you guys are home, how was meeting the parents?” Karkat gets off the couch and walks over to hug you and Gamzee.

“It went as expected, my parents and siblings love him to death and we probably ended up gaining twenty pounds from how much we ate.” You laugh and walk over to hug everyone else.

“You want us to get out of your way? We can come back another time.” Aradia says standing up from her seat on the couch.

“Hell no, enjoy yourselves. We’re a bit tired so we might go rest a bit but you guys can stay as long as you want. “They nod and you and Gamzee start to head back towards your room.

“Oh wait, I have something to tell you about your room, just let me explain before you go in.” he rushes past you and stands in front of the door.

“Now, first of all, let’s get one thing straight at first I wasn’t going to keep accepting them, but the crazy fucker sent them every day, and every day they got bigger and more elaborate. He’s a fucking piece of work that Ampora, and so I just started putting them in your room and yeah I'm gonna let you deal with them. “ 

“Deal with what? You open the door to your room and are overwhelmed with all the gifts, flowers, and large boards reading “I’m reelly sorry.” On them. You sigh deeply annoyed that you both are barely able to walk into the room without bumping into an oversized plant or box of chocolate.

“That is not what I wanted to see after a good week without having to hear about that motherfucker.” Gamzee sighs starting to move of the stuff out of the way and off the bed.

“I have to go talk to him, I can't take the passive aggressive gift giving anymore. You rest, I'll be back.” You squeeze his hand and he looks reluctant to let you go. He just doesn't want to see you hurt again but eventually let's you walk out of the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, If you've read this far thanks for sticking with me. One more chapter left! -KB


	16. Chapter 16: In which we rest.

 

When you get downstairs and head out of the door you see the silhouette of someone sitting on the steps. You get closer recognizing that coiffed hair and hair gel smell anywhere. You sit down next to him and he looks over at you and gives a solemn smile.

 

'I was just coming to see you.” He nods.

 

“Sorry about all the gifts, I just wanted to say sorry but you weren't picking up my calls so then finally Karkat yelled at me saying you had gone home and I got scared that you were never coming back.”

 

You look him over for a few minutes; he looks as if he hasn't had sleep in a long time. The expression on his face makes him look older, and tired.

 

“Tav, I didn't mean a single thing I said back there at the house you know that don't you? I just...saw you and Gamzee together and I got scared that you were going to disappear. So I tried to make you love me instead because then I would be sure you would always be around.”

 

“Why would you think that?”

 

“Because, up until recently I had been the one taking care of you, it made me feel happy knowing you needed me and now he can take care of you so I don't really fit in your life anymore.” He shrugs. You put your head on his shoulder and reach for his hand.

 

“You're the dumbest person I know Eridan. Because somehow you think I can make it without you.” You push him a little and he smiles.

 

“Do you forgive me?”

 

“Of course though I think you can just owe me for the rest of your life for it in exchange.” He smiles wider this time, that's what you wanted.

 

“You know, my father's handing over the responsibilities of his companies to me soon. He's ready to retire and do nothing but relax.”

 

“Wow really? That mean's you're about to be insanely busy.” You lower your head a bit, you don't like change, you never have.

 

“No more busy than I usually am.” He shrugs but you can tell he's feeling just like you.

 

“How was visiting your family?” You like the subject change, your heart was getting heavy.

 

“It was great to see them, though it makes me miss them ten times more. I introduced them to Gamzee and it went really great, I'm glad they love him.”

 

“You two going to move in together?” He squeezes your hand a bit.

 

“Yeah we are after the new year probably. Is it okay?” He nods taking a few moments to stare out into the street and take a drag from his cigarette.

 

You swallow a growing lump in your throat and hold onto his arm tightly.

 

“When you start taking over your dad's work, does...does that mean we wont see each other again?” He looks at you for a long time before pulling you closer into a hug.

 

“Of course not, I'll always have time to come and see you. You're still my best friend you know.”

 

You feel relieved that he said it but you're still worried that there won't be time for things like this soon, things like sitting and talking about nothing.

 

“Tav I just gotta know, do you...you know think if you had met me in a different circumstance you would--” He blurts out

 

“Yes.” You look away blushing a little and he nods and does the same. Maybe in another life, if you and Gamzee had never met there could have been more between the two of you, but its not another life it's this one right here right now and you wouldn't have it any other way honestly.

 

After awhile he smiles to himself and you push him and roll your eyes.

 

“I knew you fancied me.” He laughs.

 

“Oh shut up.” You punch his shoulder.

 

Things get quiet between you again and he reaches in his jacket pocket and takes out a folded piece of paper.

 

“This was a stupid idea of course, and I don't think we have much need for it now do you?” You can tell its the contract.

 

“No, although without it we wouldn't be here now.”

 

He starts to rip it onto shreds and lets it blow off the steps and down the street.

 

“Give me your phone.”

 

You put it in his hand wondering if after all that he was going to take the phone back which if he did you had a few choice words for him. You watch as he presses a few buttons quickly and then gives it back to you.

 

“What did you do?”

 

“I took all the alarms off and erased all my meetings from your schedule and forwarded them to Feferi, since she'll be my new assistant soon.”

 

“You're off the hook, how does it feel?” You rolls your eyes, he just had to sneak one more fish joke in.

 

“It feels...good that I don't have to go to meetings anymore. But sad...because I know we're starting new things. You'll be a busy business guy like your dad and the rest of us are going back to school. It feels like a goodbye and I really hate those.”

 

“No, I swear we won't ever say goodbye, you worry too much.” He ruffles your hair.

 

“You should go back inside, its colder than a witches tit out here. Don't keep him waiting, and make sure to tell me once he moves in so I can bring another house warming gift.” He stands and you let go of his hand finally.

 

“I will.”

 

For a brief second you both just stare at each other, this is the strangest experience you've ever been through. You started out as this wild child who ran away to a big city because you wanted to disappear and then it took getting drugged, falling in love, and getting blackmailed by someone who's now become your best friend to help you find yourself again.

 

More and more every day you think you can go back to the old Tavros, the one before you got addicted to drugs, the one everyone was proud of.

 

 

He leans down finally and gives you a peck on the lips.

 

“Get inside now, I'm going okay?” You reach out and squeeze his hand, you want to say thank you. You want to say thank you for trying to change my life, for giving me these taming blues that made me get my fucking life together finally.

 

But you can't, because you know those things are beyond saying by now, he knows it and you know it. It's time to go inside.

 

You let his hand go and he walks down the steps and down the sidewalk taking a moment to look back at you.

'

“Go I mean it, I'll call you later. And Tavros, I'm only going to tell you this one more time...” He tries to give you a stern look that dissolves into a smile.

 

“Thank you.”

 

You smile and he motions you towards the building to go back inside. You turn and put your hand on the knob resisting the urge to look back one more time. Because you know in movies that whenever you turn to look back again it means you won't see each other anymore and that's simply not true. In fact you bet you'll be closer now than you ever were

 

You walk inside and back up to the apartment feeling a big strange, feeling like somethings missing. Passing by everyone in the living room you walk straight into the bedroom where Gamzee's starting to fall asleep.

 

You slip out of your clothes and climb in bed next to him, forcing his arms around you in a hug.

 

“Hey, did you get it all sorted out?” He says half asleep. You run your fingers through his hair and kiss him before burying your face his chest and closing your eyes.

 

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

 

 

Only when you start to drift off do you realize that you haven't had a nightmare since the day you met Gamzee. You haven't dreamed a bad dream, or needed to get high to feel something in a long time; as long as you have each other you hope over time you never will again.

 


	17. Chapter 17: Be the Heir Apparent

Everything you know about being a good person says that what you did back there was the right thing. You asked a lot of peoples advice on what it means to love someone and for the most part they all told you that it means you'll do and give anything for them no matter how much of you disappears with everything you give. This isn't practical, you know that; you know that the odds of any of this turning out in your favor aren't likely and you accept that.  
  
Within the course of a few months of knowing these people you're a changed man. You used to think you could charm anyone into wanting to be with you, if not because of your wealth then because of the promise of making their life better. But what you learned was that making friends takes actual effort and when they walk out on you because you hurt them you should go after them. The night you met Tavros, you were some sad drunk sap sitting in the corner of a club babysitting your few shots and moping like you usually did. The day had been full of ups and downs and the pressure of being your fathers Heir Apparent was doing your head in.  
  
Then for no real reason you looked up across the dance floor and you saw this kind of short thin good looking guy dancing and everyone's eyes were on him. It was like he was the magnet and they were the metal he had this light around him and you wanted to go near it. Shyness and drunkenness convinced you out of it though but soon enough he was sliding into a seat beside you.  
  
“Hey handsome, what's wrong?” He had said grabbing one of your drinks and downing them. Had he been anyone else you might have thought to tell him to go away but then he gave this dopey drunk toothy smile that turned your insides to liquid.  
  
“Nothing, I'm just you know having a drink or two.” You really did try to say something cooler than that but you just don't have those kinds of skills and that's okay because he never seemed to mind.  
  
Eventually after making eyes at you for awhile he asked you if you wanted to get out of there. You had never considered doing that before but you liked him and he was offering. Of course you couldn't take him back to the great Ampora Estates, or he'd disappear like other people had in the past. Its something about taking someone to that huge of a house on the first date that makes people shy away from you. You really cant blame them, it is a little intimidating.  
  
So you took him to one of the hotels your family owns that was a little uptown and when you first got him up to the room he didn't waste any time getting undressed and getting into bed but you could tell when you looked in his eyes he was tired, they were the most tired big brown eyes you'd ever stared into. You took off your shirt and laid down beside him kissing him a few times but other than that it went no further.  
  
Now looking back on it you wished you had but you know that it's essential to your friendship that he think you did and you know you never went through with it, because you want him to think about having sex with you, you cant lie it's the Ampora ego, dreadful thing really.  
  
When you woke up in that hotel you wanted to introduce yourself properly but you woke up to an empty bed and when you checked your wallet you were a bit short. It didn't change your perception of him though, because the person that fell asleep in your bed was sweet deep down you could feel it.  
  
It took you forever to track him down of course, having him followed was not your best idea but it told you a lot about him, it told you that you weren’t special for going back to the hotel with him because you weren’t the only one. Still, you didn’t judge him, you hatched up that dumb plan to blackmail him into working for you and that backfired tremendously. You never meant him any harm, you were just trying to think of a way to show him you were a good person while also making it so he could never leave your side.  
  
Fortunately or unfortunately you cant decide; you fell in love with him. You tried not to, you really did but Tavros is probably the greatest person you've ever met; he doesn't take your shit, he's always teasing you and keeping you guessing yet you can tell he cares whether you live or die and that's the closest to love you've ever been.  
  
  
Maybe you did go about everything the wrong way, but what you just did back there? That was supposed to be the right thing to do, to let him go, to let him fall in love with who ever he wants even if that person isn't you. But really, if that was the right thing to do then why did you feel bad about it?  
  
When you make it back to your house Feferi's waiting at the door to tell you all your messages since you've been out but you don’t want to hear it. You don’t want to hear anymore business propositions or calls for the rest of your life you just want to be a normal twenty year old.  
  
You lock yourself in your room and try and take a few deep breaths  
  
“Don’t freak out Eridan okay? its okay. You're okay. Don't cry, don't fucking cry.” You chant at yourself pacing the room quickly.  
  
You pick up the nearest thing you an get your hands on and throw it against the wall in frustration at the tears stinging your eyes.  
  
Oh shit.  
  
It's the present Tavros got you for Christmas, you still haven't opened it because you're afraid it'll be something that'll make you love him even more. You took on all your fathers work because you needed something to distract you from him, you needed a reason to stay away from him for awhile and let him live his life free of your influence.  
  
With tears blurring your vision you walk over and pick up the box and sit on the edge of your bed. It doesn't really matter what it is, you're going to love him anyway because you can't help it.  
  
You rip the wrapping paper off of the box and throw it behind you on the bed.  
  
Sea monkeys. You smile and wipe at your face reading over the box carefully.  
  
This might be a present for little kids to most people, but coming from Tavros and him knowing what a big dork you are this is the perfect gift. One night when you were first helping him set up the apartment you both told each other presents you always wanted but never got as a kid and yours was Sea Monkeys. You had begged your mother to let you have them when you were about eight years old and she said they looked disgusting and you would just make a mess of it.  
  
He remembered that, he remembered a stupid little fact like that about you.  
  
You pull your shirt off and send a text downstairs to Feferi to go to the pet store and pick up a tank for your little buddies.  
You put the rest of your meetings and business calls on hold so you and Feferi can figure out how to mix it all together. By the thirty minute mark she's forgotten about calling you “Mr. Ampora” and you manage to smile a few times despite how you feel inside. **  
**


	18. Chapter 18: Baby Tavros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let there be Ampora bonding

In the morning you wake up and get ready to sit through a few phone meetings but not before peering into the tank and seeing any development for your friends. Nothing yet, but you hope by the time the day is done you'll have something.  
  
When you head downstairs and into your office you ask Feferi to put your first call through and bring your breakfast to the office instead.  
  
“Hello? Eridan are you there? It's uh old cousin Cronus.” You literally slam your head down on the desk. No, not today, not this day of all days.  
  
“Hey there Cronus, what can I do for you?” You think that's now the wrong choice of words, because with Cronus there's always something you can do for him.  
  
“Nothing man, can’t family just call up family and see how you're doing? How's ya pop? How's the bizness?” You shake your head at the horrible accent and vernacular, Cronus had grown up right along side you in London but none of that matters now that he's decided to talk like he just crawled out of an episode of Happy Days.  
  
“Dad's doing fine, and everything fine here. How've you been?”  
  
“Shit man, same ole' same ole over here. Say how about you get up and come outside, I sent you a present.”  
  
Your heart jumps up in your chest. Please no, not a present the last present he sent you was a statue of a gigantic phallus that he claims was for artistic expression and because he knows you would get a kick out of it and indeed you did, you kicked it right out of the door and donated it to a museum.  
  
Feferi raises an eyebrow from where she sits and you put him on hold again to walk outside.  
  
“Here we have, that best damn present money can’t buy huh cousin? Come ere' let me at em.” He grabs you into an awkward hug and you try to hug him back though literally everything he says makes you want to decapitate yourself.  
  
“What are you doing here?” You try and smile through clenched teeth.  
  
“I came to see you, I want you to show me around the big apple, I came all the way here to see you and so I need you to clear your schedule and let's catch up on old times.” He gives you a few fake jabs at the ribs and you force a smile.  
  
“I kind of have a lot going on you know, I just took over most of the companies this week, I wanted to get started on a few projects.” You try to explain but he rushes past you into the house, looking around at everything and harassing any employee who walks by. Eventually you manage to drag him into your office  
  
“Cronus, look I'm really glad you came to see me but I honestly don’t know if I can drop everything I have going on to hang out, you understand don’t you?” You look into his eyes and he shrugs  
  
“Sure man, hey don’t let me stand in your way. I mean we haven't seen each other in about two years but you know you're busy. I mean I could be dying and you wouldn’t even know, but I'll just head off then.” He's guilting you and doing a damn good job of it.  
  
“Sir, actually if I make the call right now I can rearrange the Foster meeting to next week some time and push all your other dates back as well, it really wouldn't be a problem.” Feferi pipes up cheerfully.  
Cronus looks at her and smiles then back at you with puppy dog eyes.  
  
Oh damn it, she really didn’t mean any harm but this is the one time you wish her sweetness didn’t get you into trouble.  
  
“Well, I guess its sorted then, Ms. Peixes will show you to a guest room and I'll bring the car around; we can go to lunch.” You shrug and once they disappear you groan and then proceed to try and hang yourself with your curtains  
  
  
  
After fighting with Cronus the entire way to the restaurant about pushing all the buttons in the car and messing with the radio you aren't even hungry. Of course when you bring him to the restaurant you're there all but of twenty seconds before he hits on the hostess, bumps into a server and makes them drop someones order, and get's asked to put out his cigarette indoors which he does; on the table making everyone around you sneer at his behavior.  
  
“Cronus please for the love of cod, just sit down and wait for them to take our order; order whatever you like then we are going home.” You squeeze his shoulder to let him know you're serious.  
  
“You still say things like, “for the love of cod” and you're embarrassed of me? Oh okay buddy sure let's pretend that makes sense.” He rolls his eyes at you and you find yourself needing a drink way before your food arrives. You don’t order anything but a small salad and Cronus of course proceeds to yell at the waiter for not them not having anything beer battered, or freshly caught. He eventually orders every variation of shrimp scampi they have to offer, two baskets of rolls in addition to the free ones the were on the table when you arrived, a bottle of wine which he drinks straight from the bottle and three slices of cheesecake.  
  
“Are you done?” You can’t hide the annoyance in your voice this time, your blood pressure is rising by the second.  
  
“Yep, I think I'm about done. This restaurant is really bad taste, I've had better pub food than this. So where are we off to next?” He flashes a big grin and lights another cigarette inside.  
  
“We're going home, check please!”  
  
  
  
You don’t say much else in the car ride home and he doesn't say anything either to your surprise. You feel kind of bad for not having any patience with him, its just Cronus has never changed since you were kids except the new persona he's taken on in the last few years but other than that every time you see him you just remember how much trouble you both used to cause as kids and how you think he'll never stop being that same old kid no matter how old you get.  
  
When you pull up in the driveway and turn the car off you take a deep breath ready to reason with him when he puts his hand on your shoulder  
  
  
“It's okay Eridan, I mean I didn’t mean to barge in on ya like this and I know I'm not the most cultured person so I make mistakes. I really did just want to see you again, but I think I'm gonna take off okay? I don’t want no trouble.” He gets out of the car and you put your head down on the steering wheel.  
  
You climb out of the car and catch up to him before he can get to the door.  
  
“Hey, don’t go, I have to show you something. Last one to my room is piranha food.” You yell and you both fight each other all the way up the stairs nearly losing your footing and falling down the steps. When you get to the top you both fall on top of each other laughing before realizing there are eyes on you  
  
“Cronus, Eridan,how nice to see you both enjoying yourself.” Your fathers husky tone of voice makes you both straighten up.  
  
“Nice to see you too sir.” Cronus stands a attention and salutes. You forgot that you both used to do that whenever you saw your father; back then he was your biggest hero. You see a glimmer of pride in your father’s eye and he laughs deeply before patting Cronus's shoulder. You wish he looked at you that way sometimes  
  
  
“At ease my boy. When did you get here?” he laughs heartily.  
  
“This morning Captain, Eridan treated me to lunch and we're going to hang out for a few days.” he beams like the kid he really is inside and you can’t help but smile.  
  
“Alright then, I'll leave you to it. Son.” He nods at you before walking down the stairs and you and Cronus burst out laughing once he's out of earshot and run to your room.  
  
“Nice room, I mean I like mine too its just yours is a bit more lived in.” He looks around a second and you walk over to the tank.  
  
“I think they're starting to hatch so, come here, look what I got.” You wait for him to cross the room and peer into the glass.  
  
“I don’t see anything man.”  
  
“Look closer, I got Sea Monkeys.” You grin and he grins too  
  
“Oh sweet, look I can see em moving around in there, what you gonna name em'?”  
You wrinkle your brow a bit, you didn’t know people named these little guys so you kneel down in front of the tank and look at them really hard.  
  
The littlest one to your right is the fastest swimmer so far and after watching him for a bit you know the perfect name.  
  
“Well, I don’t know about the others yet, but that one is definitely Tavros.”  
  
“Funny name for a sea monkey, but hey you're the dad.”  
  
You both leave after saying goodbye to baby Tavros and decide to take him driving all over the city; besides it gives you a chance to check in on your favorite best mate.


	19. Chapter 19: Best mate hugs

The rest of the day you spend with Cronus goes along pretty well, you both manage to catch up on each others strange lives and you're surprised to find out that your childish cousin just might be more of an adult than he seems. He tells you in the car ride on your way across town that he's considering joining the navy soon and wanted to come see you before he decided.

 

“You know, I don’t really think I'm good at a lot of things, So I figure I get a job like this I'll always have a porpoise you know? I'll never be in the way.” He's had a bit too much to drink at this point so you're not sure how to take it at first but once you look over at him you can tell he's serious.

 

“I think it could be good for you and everything, it's just I'd miss you a hell of a lot. But I think you'd make an excellent seaman.” You start laughing at your own joke.

 

“Keep it up, I'll break all your damn teeth I'm not playing.” He nudges you and you laugh even more at his fake bravado.

 

You park close to the curb and hurry him out of the car as you head up to Tavros's place. You have to help him most of the way since the alcohol is turning his legs to jelly.

 

“Shh, pull yourself together okay, I'll knock.” You quiet his ramblings. When you hear the thud of footsteps you forget that Gamzee lives here now and you might have to answer to him from now on when you want to see Tavros.

 

When the door opens you look up at the exhausted looking guy hoping you didn’t wake him up.

 

“What's up brother, come on in.” He says groggily and you help Cronus over to the sit at the kitchen table.

 

“This is my cousin Cronus, and this is Gamzee. Where's Tavros?” You don’t wait for them to get acquainted before you're eyes wander to the closed door behind him.

 

“He's in bed, he's not having such a good day, maybe you can cheer him up, I'm too damn tired for this shit honestly.” He mumbles and walks past you in the opposite direction towards the other bedroom.

 

Cronus raises an eyebrow but you just shrug.

 

You walk over to the door and knock but there's no answer so you just ease the door open and walk in closing it behind you.

 

The room is pretty messy with clothes and boxes all over the place. The huge bed is a mess of blankets balled up and the closer you get you see a hand poking out from underneath them. You smile and kneel on the right side of the bed and kiss his hand before giving it a squeeze.

 

Finally a messy bed head pops up and giving you a glare before relaxing into a grin.

 

“Hey sleepyhead, what's up you having a bad day?”

 

“Ugh, I haven't felt like this since detoxing.” he pulls his hand away and pouts a little. You love that face, that “please baby me until I feel better.” face.

 

“I know, but you have to sort it out, and take it easy on Gamzee; he's new to this.” He nods and sits up fully.

 

“Come on someone wants to meet you.” You wait for him to run a hand through his hair and he follows you out to the kitchen where Cronus is elbow deep in their refrigerator.

 

“Oh my god, well...this is my cousin Cronus I guess.” You roll your eyes and he takes his head out of the fridge and closes it, giving you both a sly grin.

 

“Hey, who's this?” He saunters over to Tavros and you instinctively put your hand out so he doesn’t get all up on him. You swear he'll fuck anything that moves.

 

“This is Tavros, my best mate.” You smile down at emphasizing the words best mate so he'll know he's hands off . Tavros shrugs as if he's embarrassed. You make a note to self to reconsider calling him that.

 

“Oh man I get it just like baby Tav--

 

You nudge him in the ribs but it's too late.

 

“Baby what?” He raises an eyebrow at you.

 

“You've got to see the little guy really, I mean Eridan's all “look sea monkeys” and then he's all eying the little one like he's a precious babe, and then he says all proud father like “that ones baby Tavros.” Oh man, it was the sweetest flippin' thing, you shoulda been there.” He goes on and on until Tavros is blushing and laughing along with him.

 

You make another mental note to strangle him when you get into the car.

 

“Thanks for sharing that Cronus, but it did not happen that way and you know it.”

 

“So, you finally opened my present, I'm a little hurt it took you this long. I was waiting for you to mention it after Christmas but you didn’t.” He looks up at you and tugs your shirt.

 

“I know, I just got a bit busy, so Fef' and I went and got the tank together and they were starting to hatch when we got back from lunch and the littlest one is the fastest, he's strong so I did name him after you.” You pray you're not blushing to obviously but you know you are.

 

“That's cute.” Gamzee says walking past you both in the kitchen, you clear your throat awkwardly. He's now shirtless and walks to the fridge to gulp some juice down out of the carton. This isn't what you imagined them living together would be like, Where was the lovey dovey couple from Christmas?

 

Tavros grabs your hand and drags you into the bedroom and closes the door.

 

“What's going on?” you sit down next to him on the bed.

 

He hugs you tight just like that day back at your house during the detox.

 

“I just need best mate hugs right now. Everything's getting a bit out of hand here. I mean when Gamzee moved in everything was great, but the apartment is a bit farther from his new job so he has to wake up extra early just to get there on time and Gamzee Makara is not that much of a morning person. Then he lost the job, and now he's been miserable for the past few days and I haven't been much help with my mood swings and the stress of all that just makes me wanna use more, and I don't know...I just want to get back to the cute fun times you know?”

 

You nod and he lets go.

 

“I have an idea, how about we gather up the whole gang and go to L.A for Valentine's day? It's quite a bit away but everyone would love getting out of the city for a bit and even Gamzee will have to cheer up.” He grabs you into another hug

 

“Oh that's a great idea, I'm so fucking excited!” he bounces on the bed and you start tickling him until he threatens to pee

 

“Okay then, I ought to get Cronus back before he eats you out of house and home. Tell everyone about the trip and let me know if they can get away from school for awhile for it, even if its just for the weekend.” He nods and walks you to the door. When you walk out Cronus is drooling on their table and you help him over to the door.

 

“Tell everyone goodnight Cronus.” He lifts his head lazily.

 

“Goodnight Tavros, Goodnight Gamzee.” He gives a sleepy smile and Tavros smooths back his once sleek hair from his eyes.

 

“Goodnight buddy.” He giggles and you give him one more endearing look before heading out and back down to the car.

 

“Tavros, is the fuckinest cutests man.” He slurs his words around and you laugh buckling him into his seat.

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

You get back in the drivers side and he curls up on one side in the seat to try and sleep.

 

“You love him don't you?” He murmurs drifting off.

 

“Yeah, but don't tell anyone okay?” You glare at him playfully knowing he probably won't even remember any of this in the morning.

 

“Aye Aye captain.” He yawns and you take off down the street.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once you get Cronus into his own bed you go back to your room to look at the Sea monkeys again. All of them have hatched by now so you decide to name the remaining ones after yourself, Cronus, Feferi and the rest of your friends since there are little less than twenty that you can see. The others you just call corporal something or rather or buddy and leave it at that.

 

Once you're undressed and showered you get into bed and answer the texts you've been avoiding all day. There are a few from Dave asking if this is a free trip to LA which you reply yes to, and the others are from Tavros.

 

_AT: Are you in bed? Eridan?_

 

_CA:I'm here Tav. You should go on to bed its crazy late_

 

_AT:I know, just wanted to say thanks for trying to help. I love you_

 

_CA:I know, me too. Goodnight_

 

_AT:Night._

 

You lay there for awhile staring up at the ceiling wondering what your plan really is. You should be happy that things are going a bit rocky between Gamzee and Tavros but you aren't, because first of all you hate to see him unhappy, and you don’t really like seeing Gamzee mad either because despite everything he really is a great guy and you do consider him your friend too even if you do want to kiss his boyfriend all the time.

 

It's not right, but its the truth.


	20. Chapter 20: Warning Sign.

The trip to Los Angeles takes a long time for you to get everything sorted, not everyone can get away from school and work, but somehow through a month and half of planning the day comes for you all to spend a week out of the city. Tavros takes the longest getting ready, Dave, Nepeta, and Terezi argue on the plane about who is entitled to the window seat, and Sollux is so scared to fly he's sick the whole way there. Somehow through all the of the frustration, tears, and vomit you manage to land at LAX in the evening.

 

“I want to go out now, right the hell now.” Terezi exclaims as you all look for your luggage.

 

“Who's up for going out when we get back to the hotel?” Cronus asks carrying his and Feferi's bags.

 

“We are, how about you Sol', you okay?” Terezi gives Sollux a punch in the arm and he shrugs.

 

“We're in too.” Nepeta pipes in.

 

“Oh I want to go” Tavros looks up at Gamzee and he gives a worried expression before answering.

 

“I don't think so...maybe we can go see some sights on our own okay? It'll be fun I promise.” He tries to ruffle his hair but Tavros moves out of reach and gives a disappointed sigh. Everyone gives each other silent looks and doesn't say anything else about going out until you're in the car on the way to the hotel.

 

The hotel you're staying in is pretty amazing and your rooms are all across from each other.All the couples have a room together, and you give Cronus his own room reluctantly because you want to keep an eye on him but you let him have his space, You offer to room with Karkat but he declines saying he wants his own room, and Feferi does too so you shrug and leave everyone to unpack.

 

The other couples and Cronus don’t bother unpacking before getting dressed and going out, in the end Aradia and Sollux join them. You, Feferi, Karkat, Tavros and Gamzee go downstairs to the pool to have a few drinks and relax.

 

“This place is amazing, thanks for inviting me Eridan.” Fef' raises her glass to you and everyone else follows.

 

“It's nothing, I just want everyone to have fun.” You shrug and look at Tavros who sips on his drink slowly and gives you half smiles in between sighs.

 

“Karkat, get in with me, everyone came to the pool but no ones even swimming.” Feferi giggles and ducks back underwater for a few minutes, its like she lives under there the way she can hold her breath. You've never seen her this happy and you're really glad you thought of this. Karkat looks away from her like he's embarrassed but goes over to test the water anyway

 

No, it's too damn cold Fef” He flinches when his feet his the water.

 

“It's really not, you'll get used to it. Please get in?” She pleads giving him puppy dog eyes.

 

“No.”

 

“Alright then, help me out will you? I've got to to the bathroom.” She reaches her hand up and he grabs hers, you can tell shes going to try and pull him in

 

“No don’t, he can't motherfucking swim.” You hear Gamzee mutter but it's too late. He crashes into the water with a splash and goes under, You peer over the edge waiting for him to come back up but he doesn't.

 

“Karkat? Stop playing around,” Fef splashes the water playfully but he still doesn't come up.

 

You take off your shirt and dive in to the bottom, you see him just floating there with his eyes closed as if he's sleeping. You put your arm around his waist and resurface with him pulling him poolside.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t know, I'm so sorry Karkat honestly.” Feferi is wringing her hands nervously as you check to make sure he's breathing, but before you can perform CPR he sputters up a bit of water and turns on his side.

 

“Are you okay?” Gamzee touches his head and he nods before lifting himself up to a standing position.

 

“I'm sorry Karkat.” Fef puts her hand on his shoulder and he nods

 

“Its fine, I'm going back up.” He shrugs her off and you get a pang in your chest watching him walk off. Of all your friends Karkat is the most illusive to you, he's always quiet and only really voices his opinion when he wants to. Because you know the least about him you worry all the time when you hang out whether you offend him, if he doesn;t like you, or if he's having a good time at your parties. You guess you just want his approval a little, and getting him almost drowned on his first night here is not the impression you wanted to make.

 

Fef looks back and forth between you and Gamzee before trotting off after him in her bathing suit.

 

“That went well.” Tavros shrugs and picks up the rest of the bottle to take a swig. Gamzee tries to grab it from him but he snatches away and keeps drinking

 

 

“I gotta go check on my bro, I'll be back.” Gamzee sighs and kisses Tavros on the forehead before walking back inside.

 

You sit near the edge and put your feet in the water, this isn't how you exactly planned it but nonetheless today was stressful so maybe after a good nights rest everyone will be in a better mood. Or maybe you all should of just gone out with Terezi and the others. Tavros walks over and wriggles in close beside you making waves in the water with his feet.

 

“Hi.” He smiles up at you.

 

“Hey.” You give a smile back before holding his hand.

 

“We have an interesting group of friends don’t we?” he tickles your foot with his.

 

“Well, it's never boring that's for sure.” You shrug.

 

You both just sit there for a long time, staring at the water and not saying anything really. You're phone vibrates near your chair and it's Feferi telling you goodnight, followed by texts from Dave and Terezi saying you all should come down to the club they're at.

 

“We really should have gone to that club.” He says sipping his drink again.

 

“Ah, I don’t think we're missing much, just the same old stuff we see back at home.”

 

“Yeah, but now I can't go anywhere or do anything because I'm fucked. I mean I know everyone's looking out for me, it's just I'm not a fucking kid; going to a club wont instantly make me get back on benzo's and opiates but hey what do I know.”

 

“You're just being a brat.” You kiss the side of his head and he laughs.

 

“Tavros...are you coming to bed?” you hear Gamzee's still voice behind you. Tavros turns around and nods

 

“Yeah I'm coming up, and be prepared, I've had too much sips of whatever this stuff is.” He giggles putting down the bottle and grabbing his shirt. You watch him lean on Gamzee as they make their way up the stairs

 

You sigh and decide to turn in as well since everyone bailed on you. When you get up to your room you walk in and flick on the lights ready to just pass out when you see big hazel eyes staring up at you.

 

“Holy hell, Are you trying to kill me?!” You look over the soaking wet Karkat crouched on your bed as if he's ready to pounce.

 

“Keep it down.” He mumbles.

 

“Why were you in the dark? And why are you in my room?” You move over to a chair near the bed and sit down.

 

“Thanks for..what you did back there. It was cool.” His stare is intense, you don’t know how you've ever avoided it before. Usually when you catch him looking at you, you're nervous so you look away first wondering if he ever liked you at all, he's a bit hard to read.

 

“Hey, it's no problem. Is everything... _okay_?”

 

“No, I want you to stop what you're doing.” He gets serious again.

 

“What are you talking--

 

“Don't fuck with me Ampora, I know what you're doing. You probably don’t know that you're doing it but you need to stop. Gamzee's my best friend, and he loves Tavros a lot so if you get in between them anymore than you already have I'm going fuck you up do you understand?”

 

You're angry at first, who does he think he is coming into your room with his intense serial killer stare trying to intimidate you into not being close to Tavros? Who you knew way before Tavros knew him by the way.

 

“I'm not trying to come between anyone, but first of all Tavros is my best friend also, so if you get in between _us_ , I'm going to fuck _you_ up. Do you understand?” You stand over him daring him to challenge you.

 

He smirks and climbs down off the bed.

 

“Sure you will. Goodnight.” He bumps into you as he walks past you and out of the door.

 

 

You sigh and lay down on the bed trying to gather your thoughts. _You don't really feel like talking after that disaster._

 

 

_AT: Eridan are you in your room?_

_CA: I am, goodnight_

_AT: Night.._

 

At around 2am you hear the others stumble in and go into their rooms. You check on everyone and make sure they got back okay, Cronus is passed out in his bed by the time you get to him. You decide to go on back to your room when you hear the door across the hall from yours creak open. You stop and see Tavros peeking at you through the crack.

 

You give him a look as if to ask is everything's alright and he shakes his head. You can tell he's been crying but when you walk closer to him he shakes his head and closes the door. You don’t know what's happened, and you cant just barge in. You feel bad for brushing off his texts earlier.

 

You send a couple of texts asking what's wrong but get no reply. You text Equius from your room hoping Tavros has texted him or Nepeta any time tonight

 

 

_CA: Are you awake?_

_CT: very, what's going on?_

_CA: Tavros didn’t seem okay when I saw him just now, has he said anything?_

_CT:They got into it, about you. And that's all I heard through the wall, goodnight Eridan. Don’t text my girlfriend, she's busy. Talk to you tomorrow_

 

You smirk at the phone screen taking the hint that everyone's shacked up but you. You roll over and try to get at least some sleep, but not before hoping for a better day tomorrow.

 


	21. Chapter 21: Fight

It's 9 o'clock and you're down, you don’t know how you got down and how to stop it but you cant get out of bed because you're down. You don’t want to cause any trouble and you don’t want to be a bad host to your friends but knowing you're causing too much trouble for the person you care about is too much. At ten you hear a knock on your door before it opens and Feferi pops her head in

 

“Are you alright? It's not like you to sleep this late.” You shrug and roll over turning your back to her.

 

“Eridan, You promised them a fun day and you cant let them down, because if you don’t get out of bed everyone will start to see it on you.”

 

“See what?”

 

“The guilt and gloom of loving someone unattainable. Get up.” She slams the door closed and you get up to get dressed.

 

Everyone eats a lot at breakfast but hardly anyone says anything while they do. Gamzee barely eats at all and every time you look up Karkat's either smirking at you or glaring.

 

“So, where are we going today?” Aradia breaks the silence first.

 

“I thought we could go sight seeing downtown in the afternoon..”

 

“Nope, lame. I reject that idea, think of something cooler Eridan.” Terezi buts in.

 

“I don't see why we cant go where Eridan has planned.” Nepeta mumbled while arranging her food again. When you first got there she was arranging it by size, and now by color. Equius puts his hand on her back and whispers for her to eat something to which she just smiles and continues to arrange her orange slices.

 

“Yeah take the blind girl “sight seeing” I can already imagine how much fun I'll be having.” Terezi crosses her arms and you clear your throat realizing that suggestion was a bit insensitive.

 

“I planned a boat ride too, just us, some drinks, and cruising all evening?”

 

“Now that sounds fun” She grins.

 

Aradia mumbles something inaudible in another language under her breath and Sollux nods.

 

“Where's Tavros?” You have to ask, you haven't seen him since last night and no one else seems concerned.

 

“Oh you know, around.” Nepeta says cheerfully then starts arranging the remaining food on Equius's plate.

 

Everyone else avoids your gaze and you can tell where you stand now. Either they all know and don’t want to tell you or they just want to stay out of it all together which you don’t blame them.

 

Cronus gives you an expression of annoyance at the end of the table but doesn't speak up.

You don’t press it anymore, because its clear to you now there are no confidants here. If there's anything you want from now on you'll have to go looking for yourself. You go back upstairs and into Gamzee and Tavros's room but you don’t see him

 

You look around for a minute before giving up and walking back towards the door.

 

“I need you lay with me.” You hear a small voice whisper.

 

You look in the bathroom seeing nothing before getting down on your knees and looking under the bed. He's curled up in a ball hugging an empty bottle of champagne. You reach under and try to pull him out but he resists

 

“Come under here.”

 

“Tavros, I'm too big to get under there, just talk to me. Tell me what's wrong.”

 

“It's all messed up you know? At first we were fighting it, trying to get back to where I lived. And then there was love and we were in the same body you know? Him and me in one body. Whenever I moved he moved. Now, he grabs on to me, but I'm disappearing. And I cant scream the feelings out, and he cant fuck it out of me.” His voice sounds so small and far away its breaking your heart. You have no idea what he's talking about but you try to grab his hand to pull him out

 

“You're not disappearing, I'll help you just tell me what to do.” You don’t know how to fix someone when they get sad like this, you've never really had to deal with anything but your own sadness which seems to be nothing compared to his. He takes a moment to let you grab his hand but once you do you pull him out from under the cramped space into a hug

 

You get him into a shower and dressed making sure to remove all the alcohol from the room by the time he comes out again.

 

When you come downstairs, he's clinging weakly to your arm and everyone looks at Gamzee in response but he doesn't look at you at all.

 

“Where the hell was he?” Equius sits up his seat.

 

“Under the bed.” You sit him down in the chair and get him a plate so he can eat something. Dave raises an eyebrow but other than that no one says anything because with Tavros you can never be surprised anymore.

 

“Thank you.” Gamzee nods at you and you're so surprised you can only nod back. That seems to set the mood for the rest of the afternoon, everyone relaxes and gets dressed so you can meet the boat's captain at the pier.

 

It's a little cold for it but luckily the inside of the boat is warm and completely decked out with everything you'd need to entertain a group of college kids.

 

Once you introduce yourselves to the captain you all go inside and settle in for the evening. The music and the drinks start to flow pretty quickly you can feel the last bit of tension from this morning slip out of the room and you even manage to get a few laughs in between talking and dancing.

 

Cronus hassles Feferi to dance with him to which she agrees after the six thousandth time. You're glad everyone's having fun, its starting to feel good between you all like it did at Christmas when you all became friends.

 

Terezi snickers at Cronus's dancing which only amplifies when she convinces Equius to dance too, everyone else joins them on the small dance floor and you take the chance to slip out and go up on deck for a cigarette.

 

It's only a little chilly due to the wind but the sun's out so you can manage. You lean against the railing and take a few drags when you hear someone come out behind you.

 

“We should talk now.” You tense up at the sound of Gamzee's voice.

 

“Okay.” You flick the cigarette over the side of the boat and turn to face him.

 

“He loves me, I know that. And I know he loves you too, that doesn't bother me. What's all up and head fucking me is, the more you're around, the more he drinks and self destructs. Its like he's doing it to get a reaction out of you, but instead it gets a rise outta me. You see him going back to how he was and you're accepting it, and I wont so I have to be the bad guy.”

 

“I don’t want you to be the bad guy, I know I should be pissed at him for the way he's acting, but that's what he wants. He wants me to tell him he's disappointed me and I'm not going to do it. You love him, I get it but the more mad you get he just keeps going. Something's eating at him and yelling at him isn't going to help all, I'm not that person." 

 

He shoves his hands in his pockets and thinking about what you said for a minute.

 

“Time for some motherfucking truths then. Are you trying to take him away from me?”

 

You knew he was going to go there, you just fucking knew it.

 

“No. but I know it doesn't matter what I say, you wont believe me because Karkat already gave me some kind of threat, which I don’t appreciate.” You glare.

 

“Do you think he's going to really leave me for you?” He moves closer trying to intimidate you.

 

“No, and up until now I didn’t want him too, but this stupid macho guy act is really starting to piss me off.” You move closer to him until you're up in his face.

 

“But now, the fucking kid gloves are off mate, I wasn't playing to win, I was okay losing as long as he and I could still be friends but now, you're trying to fuck it up so now it's on. I want him, I want him to be mine and if you thought I was a threat before, just wait until you see me when I actually try.”

 

“You don’t want me as an enemy brother.” He snarls.

 

“There's no other option. I'm beyond your feelings, I'm just going to be my normal charming self and if he ends up in my arms it'll be because you drove him there and there'll be no one to blame but yourself.” You walk past him and back inside.

 

 

You don’t care whether it fucks everything up or not, you're going to try and win Tavros over because sometimes its not about letting go of someone you love its about fighting.

 


	22. Chapter 22: Spiraling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's smut in this chapter, be warned. 
> 
> eh, and trigger warning for suicide. I usually wouldn't but then I thought, WWKD? (What would Kankri do?)

 

At eight you all take the boat back to the dock and Aradia calls for a cab because everyone's decided to go out except you, you just want to be by yourself and think awhile. Once you see them off you head back to your room and lay down on the bed. You've gotten yourself into a lot of bad situations in your life but this is the most troubling; you're torn between not wanting to hurt anyone and just for once getting what you want

 

You open your laptop and handle a few business emails and calls even though you promised not to do work on this trip. Honestly it keeps your mind off everything else and having something to do is a little therapeutic. You undress and get in the bed, wishing you had someone to talk to about everything. That's the problem with falling for your best mate; once you have a problem with them who do you turn to talk to?

 

Eventually you drift off to sleep for several hours. You hear everyone come back at around 2am and almost grab your phone to text them but decide against it and go back to sleep. In the middle of the night you hear a loud bang that jolts you out of your sleep followed by shouts and then a door slam.

 

Pulling your pants on you look out of the door to see everyone else poking their heads out too.

 

“What the hell was that?” Dave whispers from his door down the hall.

 

You shrug and all the others shrug too but no one comes out of Gamzee and Tavros's room.

 

You motion for Equius to go check but he shakes his head.

 

“Not me,I'm not getting into this.” He then goes back inside leaving Nepeta at the door.

 

She walks down the hall and knocks loudly but there's no answer. You start to get a nervous twinge in your stomach.

 

Nepeta bites down on her thumb contemplating barging in.

 

“I'll go, maybe something just fell over.” Feferi brushes past her and opens the door. You all wait for her to give the okay when she runs back out she has a petrified look on her face

 

“Eridan you've got to go in there, something's wrong!” she screams and everyone rushes for the door.

 

The room is in fucking dissaray, there's glass all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere, and little splatters of blood on the bed sheets and other places. The sliding door that leads to the balcony is open so you walk to it slowly. You step forward, your heart preparing you for the worst. Once you step outside your breathing quickens and you can feel yourself start to panic. Tavros is standing on the balcony's railing trembling. you can see little bruises on his back and dried blood on his hands and in his hair.

 

“Tavros...what are you doing?” You whisper. The others gather behind you trying to see what's going on.

 

He lets out a shaky sob and teeters back and forth slightly.

 

“I can't do this anymore.” He whispers back and Nepeta moves forward

 

“Tavros, just get down okay, I'm scared.” Her voice is shaking too.

 

“I tried to fix everything; but he just wants to put me on a shelf, so I don’t hurt myself. But I need him to still love me the same, I think I could die without him.” he mumbles.

 

“What the hell is he saying?” Cronus blurts out.

 

“He's spiraling, my sister...my sister Damara, she used to talk like that because of depression and I...no one ever knows how much it means, and I couldn't help her I just...Tavros, Tavros don’t do this to me again please get down.” Aradia clings to Sollux through tears.

 

You don’t want to make any rash decisions or movements, you just want him to be distracted enough for you to grab him.

 

He crouches down suddenly nearly loosing his footing and causing everyone to gasp.

 

“Gamzee left me, I tried to give him my heart and he says he'll forget me. He can do that because he doesn't need me like I need him.” You put your hand on his back lightly, he's shivering.

 

“Tavros, don’t move okay? Please.” Dave moves forward to give you support in case he struggles when you grab him.

 

He brings himself unsteadily to a standing position again and you nearly pass out from fear.

 

“It won't even hurt at all.” He whispers and you feel him teeter forward against your grip; he slips and starts to fall over the balcony

 

“Tavros NO!” the girls scream and you and Dave grab a hold of his shirt trying to pull him back with all your force.

 

“Goddamn it Tavros!” Dave yells, his shades falling to the ground trying to hold his weight.

 

With help from the others you all manage to pull him onto ground and back inside the hotel room against his protests.

 

Nepeta's shaking so hard by the time you sit him down she faints and Equius carries her back to their room.

 

Before you can think you grab Tavros into a tight hug, squeezing him as hard as you can and letting your tears soak his soft hair. You've never been so relieved and sad all at the same time

 

“I could fucking kill you myself, why would you do that to me? Why? I fucking love you, you horrible little shit! I love you, we all do and you we're gonna throw it away!” You sob angrily.

 

“I'm sorry, hey Eridan stop crying, I'm sorry.” He pleads with you and everyone takes a step back. Maybe they never believed you before, maybe they never saw it until now, but they can tell that you do love him and that their friend has a very serious problem that's too big to ignore

 

“Should we call someone?” Sollux moves towards the phone.

 

“No, I'll take care of him for tonight, we'll get everything sorted tommorow.”

 

“I did it...I gave em to him, I'm sorry I didn't know.” Cronus blurts out and everyone turns to him.

 

“What did you do?” Feferi narrows her gaze at him

 

“I gave him the pills, He asked me, I just wanted to help him...” He whispers

 

“You gave drugs to a recovering addict?!” Terezi yells.

 

“I didn’t know until later when you said it! I swear, I'm sorry, Eridan I'm sorry. You guys gotta believe me.” you feel sympathetic for the glares they're giving him. He doesn't know Tavros well enough to know he's addicted to pills but you cant help but feel a little angry yourself. All your hard work, all the work everyone put in keeping him clean for this long; gone.

 

“Everyone just...go back to bed, we'll talk in the morning.” You try to reassure them, Karkat is the last to leave the room giving you a long look.

 

“I was wrong. He does need you.” He stares into your eyes for a moment longer and stalks out of the room. You don’t have time to dwell on it, you have a broken best friend to help through the night and that's your main priority

 

You help Tavros back to your room and into the bed. 

 

“Eridan, are you disappointed in me?” He mumbles once you turn out the light.

 

This kid is breaking your heart left and right, at one time all you wanted was to make life easier for him, you thought you could just buy the things he needed and he would always be okay but helping someone recover means putting the work in and that's what you intend to do.

 

You crawl under the covers pulling him close to you. You just need to hold him, you need to feel his skin against your skin because for a moment there you almost had to bury him, you don’t know what the hell you would have done if you'd been to late. Imagining having to make that call to his parents or Rufioh makes you sick to your stomach.

 

“No, I could never be disappointed in you.” You stroke his hair for awhile.

 

He lifts his head to kiss you, at first you're hesitant but you let it happen. His tongue brushes up against yours a few time sending your heart into a frenzy. When he pulls back he buries his face in the crook of your neck, his breath tickling you.

 

“You know death would never tear us apart don't you? I could never leave your side even then. I didn’t know it until I almost fell but even if I die, I'll still be by your side unable to go on to the next plateau without you. It's fate, even in our past lives it was probably this way. No death could never tear us apart Eridan, so you could have let me fall.” He whispers hoarsely and then he's silent again until you hear his breathing get deeper. You squeeze him into a tight hug and cover your mouth with one hand to stifle the sobs quaking your body.

 

Today was too much for you, it was far too much on your heart and head and you honestly cannot wait to go home.

 

 

For the next two days you don’t leave the bed, you both just need time by yourselves to work everything out. You make a few calls to a doctor back in New York to see Tavros when he gets back but other than that you barely talk to anyone.

 

He starts to tell you about fighting with Gamzee and how the fighting had gotten physical but he had started it and about being scared because his dad's not in good health right now. He got the call right before you left New York and he thought he could handle it but he couldn't; the thought of losing his dad ate away at him until he just broke.

 

Once he's done telling you everything you start to understand a little bit what its like to be Tavros inside.When you're Tavros everyone sees you as something so fragile, so delicate that they try to protect you too much; it just makes you lash out more, it makes you wilder. You're starting to understand how that feels

 

After awhile you lie flat on your back and he sits on your lap bothering the hair on your chest as if its the most fascinating thing in the world.

 

“Eridan, I think I want to fuck you.” He says finally,cocking his head to the side. You shake your head

 

“You're just missing Gamzee, there are far better things to think about.” You give a half smile and he smiles back.

 

“There really isn't.” He starts to move against you causing friction between his underwear and yours.

 

“Try to think of something else.” You move him off your lap. You wish you could do it, you wish you could let lust take over and have your way with him but you don't think you can. It would just be lust, since his heart will always seem to belong to Gamzee, and you're starting to come to terms with that.

 

you love Tavros, but no ones ever stood on a balcony ready to jump off for you, not that you'd want them too, it's just no ones ever loved you that much. besides, you don’t want anyone's feeling about it on your conscious.

 

“We already have before.” He shrugs. Time for the Ampora ego to go out of the door.

 

“Actually we haven't. That night...well you just fell asleep.” You try to avoid blushing and fail. He covers his face and moans 

 

“How embarrassing, why didn’t you say anything?” 

 

you laugh a little glad to have gotten it off your chest.

 

“Because I was embarrassed too, plus I wanted you to think about me that way. It's a bit foolish I know.” You shrug.

 

“Then we should correct that error, if we never try we'll never know. And honestly, I just want to feel something, anything.” He pets your hair.

 

You don’t want to see that sad look on his face anymore, you want to cut the tension out. You're tired of being the gentleman all the time,

 

He moves back onto your lap and you hold his hand.

 

“It's a tragedy that I love you so much.” You can't help but say.

 

“And it's a tragedy you don’t believe me when I say it back.” 

 

You do believe him, you just know its not the equivalent to the love he has with someone else. That's the thing though, love is flawed, so flawed it wont ever be the perfect time or the perfect situation, or perfect person, ever. You realize that you cant wait around for things to be perfect, you've got to live for right now, you kiss him giving him the okay.

 

He doesn't waste any time going back to teasing you, the little circular motions his hips are making are driving you crazy inside but you try to be cool just this once. You kiss each other roughly, you, biting his bottom lip and him clawing your clothes off through kisses and sighs of excitement.

 

Once you get your underwear off he continues to rub against you; his skin against yours gives you an electric feeling down your spine. You whisper his name while stroking his growing erection and he moans out for you to fuck him

 

You never thought words could have that kind of impact on your body, but suddenly you need him, you don’t care what this leads too its over, your body has decided for you. He takes his time lowering himself down and taking all of you inside him

 

You shudder at the warmness but you bite down on your lower lip to stifle your moan once he starts to bounce up and down slowly at first but picking up speed

 

“Holy shit.” he whispers clasping his hands with yours giving him support while you thrust your hips upwards forgetting to hold your moans in after awhile. The wet smacking noises of your body's together only makes you want him more. Only something you wait this long for could feel this good, you can't believe you missed out on it the first night you met him

 

You want him to be in control, you don't want to rush him and you don’t want it to be over but you can feel yourself about to come. You hold out a little longer knowing he's almost there too the way his dick is throbbing against your hand as you stroke it 

 

he starts to waver in his movements and his moans are reduced to almost whimpers as he starts to come and spill into your hand and onto your stomach.

 

You cant wait anymore and grab his hips and buck your upwards to force yourself deeper inside him. He gasps and pants harder until you tense up feeling your body let go as you climax.

 

He yells out your name before collapsing on top of you in a fit of sweaty limbs and sloppy kisses.

 

When he lays his head on your chest he let's out a small sigh as you pull out of him getting comfortable again.

 

“Did I hurt you?” You whisper into his sweaty hair and he smiles a little through trying to catch his breath

 

“A little. But I liked it.” 

 

You're glad he's not looking directly at you to see how much you're blushing.

 

You both end up falling asleep like that and for once instead of worrying you just let it all go. This is the meaning of bliss for you and you aren't going to let anything ruin it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this should stir things up
> 
> oh and I have a tumblr its same as my username here (thoullux) if you guys who read want to send me an ask about These Taming blues, or to tell me what you think about it or be friends.


	23. Chapter 23: Be Tavros, whoever that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys thank you so much for reading this and leaving comments and kudos. I appreciate it -KB

Once Eridan falls asleep you peel yourself off of him and close yourself up in you and Gamzee's room. Even thought he's gone that's all this room has the choice of being, you and Gamzee's. No matter what you're a unit, a fucked up unit but that all seems to be coming to an end

 

That night, you saw a side of your lover you didn’t know was there; you were so high and messed up and you just wanted to fix things, but he got grabby with you and you hit him, you admit that because he was hurting you again. And soon there was glass being throw, and you were pushed and ended up cutting your hands

 

How did it ever go so wrong?

 

Everyone messes up in relationships, whether its forgotten anniversaries or saying things you don’t mean in arguments. There is no aspect of you or him that is perfect and it never will be. You were like a bull charging at Gamzee, pushing him to his limit. You wanted him to act like he cared that he was loosing you, instead you got left alone in a puddle of blood all bruised and torn, because of love. Because of falling in love

 

You know he still loves you, at least you hope he does. He wants to protect you so he tried to stop you from doing anything fun or leaving the house because he was scared you would turn back into someone he couldn't love.

 

Love is hard, it's hard to carry, and it's heavy, so damn heavy you wake up with it on your chest in the morning like a weight and it's choking you. The good kind of choking that you're happy to deal with because the other person next to you in bed is choking too, that's why people get red in the face when they're near someone they like. And sometimes love is the kind that has you standing on a balcony in your underwear in front of all your friends on Valentine's night. The kind of love you cant live without so you think having your brains splattered on the pavement will make it go away when it won't.

 

You know its a fucked up thing to say but you like both, you like the chaos and the good times equally. But it's gone too far this time

 

You thought you figured everything out with Eridan, he takes care of you and he almost never yells at you. Gamzee said he would forget you, and maybe if you have Eridan you can forget him too. Being in love with Gamzee is the best and worse feeling all at the same time because you know you need him more than he needs you. But how can you trust someone like that anymore? You know you fucked up by relapsing and you admit that, but the words and blows that were exchanged have messed you up more than the drugs ever could

 

All your life you've been beat up on and beat up on and no one expects you to crack?

 

You undress and run yourself a hot bath, you've got to wash off all the guilt and mistakes because it's wearing you down, making you heavy. The sorrow of the fights you've endured during the past few days has you looking like you just got out of battle. You trace the healing scars on your palms, the bruises here and there from either falling down drunk or taking some hits to your thin frame

 

You scrub your skin so hard you turn bright red , that's the only way to start over; to step into new skin. It's just like when you were small and you wanted to slip down the drain, except this time you did slip down the drain mentally. You disconnected from your life, and you lived underwater, and you found that being there didn't make you any better off than just being Tavros; whoever that might be.

 

It's hard to grow up, it's hard to fall in love with someone and go through hard times with them. Even though Gamzee said all those things in anger you don’t know how much of it he really meant, should you give up too? Do you have the right to feel hurt? You don’t know if you can walk away from him, you love him

 

The difference between your two loves is, Eridan is so infatuated with you he'll never be disappointed in you or angry at you for doing the messed up things you do. That's how it works with him, he'll just keep fixing you and patching you up every time you skin your knees like a kid. Gamzee has a limit, he'll fix you up as many times as you want as long as he thinks you're trying to get better, but the moment he realized you weren’t even trying to stay sober or trying to fix your habit he let you fall

 

You know that's not who you want to be, you don’t want to be this dependent entity that always has to belong to someone just to feel of value. You can be just Tavros Nitram and someone will love you for it eventually, whether its Gamzee, Eridan or just yourself. You have to be Tavros now, in one body by yourself with no one controlling you or deciding things for you.

 

You know you can be that person.

 

There's a soft rap at the door before it opens and you hold yourself tight trying your best to cover up.

 

Gamzee pokes his head in and pulls the clothes bin over beside the tub to sit on it. His face looks the same way it did the night you had come to his house high off your ass; he looks tired.

 

You turn to stare at him and wait for him to speak first. He lights a cigarette and takes a long drag before handing it over to you

 

“I didn’t love anybody before you, that's the worst part about all of this. I can't go back to a time in my head when I loved someone else to forget you. I wanted to work things out, it's just the thought of that motherfucker having you drove me insane and I let myself hurt you and I'm sorry. If you just give me a chance I can show you I can change.” He sniffs and rubs his eyes too much.

 

You take the cigarette from his trembling fingers to calm yourself down.

 

“I know you love me, but sometimes I think you hate me too. That night, you yelled at me, you fought me, you...you fucking bastard, you held me down and you tried to fuck my feelings for him out of me? What kind of person does that to someone they love huh? What kind of person? How can I look at you and not see that version of you?”

 

You're crying too much to smoke the damn cigarette, you drop into the water and let it float away.

 

“I'm so sorry, I'm more than sorry, sorry's not even the word. I just--

 

“I fucked him.” You bite down on your bottom lip. You've always been truthful before and you won't stop now

 

“What?”

 

“Yesterday, I fucked him yesterday, because I wanted to. Because I can, but I still thought about you, and I hate it. I hate that even then you were in my head.”

 

 

“Do you want to be with him?” He starts shaking, and you decide to choose your words wisely.

 

“I don't know, at first I thought I didn’t but then, you just...you fucking let me down Gamzee. I needed you, I needed you to be there and help me, and you just fucked it all up. I don't know if we're meant to do this dance anymore, we should just spend some time apart, because you need help and I need help, and then we'll go from there.” You can't stop the tears now.

 

He puts his forehead against yours, his tears falling into he warm tub water.

 

“I don't want you to go, I want us to fix it, please let me fix it.”

 

“You have to get help first Gamz, we're destroying each other and I can't take anymore. No more yelling, no more.”

 

It's hard to admit it because a part of you wants to just hold him in your arms and hope everything goes back to normal. But when you met him you were at your worst and taking time away from him made you get yourself together. So maybe more time apart will help him this time

 

He nods and leans forward to kiss you before walking out.

 

You climb out of the tub and into the bed, you take the last bit of your opiates hoping to finally sleep. The way you're feeling after everything that's happened has you hoping you'll never wake up.

 

Your phone vibrates next to you and you brace yourself before picking up

 

“Tavros, I just got the message from Eridan, what were you trying to do huh? Give me a heart attack? I cant get messages in the middle of the night that you tried to kill yourself. I cant get those kinds of calls Tavros I...if you had made have to come down there to have your body shipped back to Arizona, I would have lost it.”

 

You nod, Rufioh is someone you wish never found out about any of this. He always wants to protect you and make sure you're alright but you've been keeping a lot from him. You kept the club and the drugs away, but you can tell this hurt him worst of all.

 

“I'm sorry...I just wanted to go away forever. I can't live like this anymore, I can feel myself getting tired Rufioh...”

 

“Tav, I know your friends are your friends, but we're family. I would never turn my back on you, I might not like the things you choose to do but I'm still here okay? You can call me any time and we can talk it out together, just don’t disappear on me.” You can hear him trying not to get emotional, he's always trying to hold it together in front of people but you know better than anyone once he's alone he's going to break down. That's the way of the Nitram men, you're taught to suffer in silence and cry alone.

 

“What are you going to do about Gamzee? who I really would love to get my hands on right about now. I don’t want that guy anywhere near you, I want you to come home soon.”

 

You don’t know, you don’t want to be with anyone for awhile, you need to be alone until you get better.

 

“Are you still there?”

 

“I'm here, I love you Rufioh. I didn’t mean to scare you. I'll be home in another day or two. Will you do me a favor though?”

 

He sighs deeply, saying something to Horuss in the background.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Don't tell my parents, _please_ Rufioh. Don’t tell them what I did, don’t tell them what Gamzee did. They practically worship him and I don’t want them to hate him because of all of this. I don’t want them to worry, just please do this for me.”

 

“I don’t like it, but I'll trust you on this. Get some rest, I'll call you in the morning.”

 

Once he hangs up you flip through your phone of all the pictures of you and Gamzee and all the pictures of you and Eridan wondering how one night in a hotel room with Eridan got you here. You hate sleeping alone, you pull the covers off yourself and go to Eridan.


	24. Chapter 24: Be Gamzee for awhile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally dreamed this next chapter. it woke me up at 4am and I had to come write it down for you all.
> 
> Thanks for reading, all my love, KB

There are some things you can never take back honestly. You did an unforgivable thing to your friend, to the person you love. How did you get there?

 

In New York, when things got tough you took a lot of the arguments out on Tavros, because he's weaker than you, because he was there. And he understood that you were under a lot of pressure. You had just lost your job, and there was perfect Eridan Ampora sweeping your boyfriend off his feet. The fact that you even tolerated him from the beginning is a surprise to you; when Tavros told you that he and Eridan had bonded during the time you stopped seeing him you felt worried.

 

You were worried, that you pushed Tavros away so he could get life his together and be fit enough to be with _you_ and now he found someone so much better than you, you now have to live up that standard. He didn’t say that, of course he didn’t Tavros would never tell you you're not good enough, he loves you and you love him.

 

See it went like this, When you first arrived in L.A you got into an argument in the hotel room while you were unpacking. Tavros wanted to go out with everyone drinking and you know how he gets when he's had too much to drink. A little confident motherfucker he is.

 

You know that club scenes bring out the worst in him and so when you told him you didn't want him to go everyone looked at you like you were a jerk.

 

Then later that night after checking on Karkat to make sure he was alright after the pool incident you come back to the pool to see Eridan flirting with Tavros. When you got to the room, you tried to calmly question him about his drinking and if he was trying to make you jealous. He responded by saying you're insecure. He said he cant breathe with you around because you never let him do anything; and some nonsense about how you're always trying to keep him on a shelf like a prized trophy.

 

That's not what you were trying to do, you were trying to make sure he didn’t get hurt again.

 

That argument turned into yelling when you said maybe you should just leave and he can go fuck Eridan, to which he pushed you and suddenly you don’t know why...but you were on top of him, and you were choking him because that's what being in love with him feels like.

 

Being in love with Tavros feels like choking, you can't breathe, and you're fighting and fighting for air but you die _every single time_ against him. You don’t know why you did it, you just wanted him to stop yelling at you, you wanted him to stop telling you all the things you know about you are true.

 

And then you saw the fear in his eyes, the redness in his face from your hands on his throat and you were sorry. Oh god had you ever been that sorry? He had started crying and you just wanted to make it better, you started apologizing and kissing him swearing you would never do that again. You've never done this before, be with someone like that. Tavros is in all respects your first true love, and there that night you hurt him and you wanted to fix it so you started trying to do the only thing you could

 

You tried to make love to him to make it better, you tried to make him feel better so you could forget the fight. While it was happening you thought he was okay with it, you thought he was forgiving you. But he told you what is was really like in that bathroom today. You know you did a truly unforgivable thing to your friend. You forced yourself on him, you took his love for granted and you tried to as he put it “fuck all his feelings for Eridan out of him.” You didn’t know, you didn't know you were hurting him, you didn’t think about it and you didn’t care at the time because you were afraid he was going to tell everyone what you had done

 

But the next day in front of all your friends it was you they were giving sympathetic looks too and glaring at Tavros as if he was the one hurting you. He could have told them the truth at any moment, but he took the brunt of their judgments; he took them for you. How could you look at him after that? When Eridan had brought him to the table, he was broken and no one noticed but you

 

You're so easily falling into the role of the monster when you know you're not, even in that moment when you should have been saving all your emotions for Tavros, you were too busy hating Eridan and on the boat ride it all became amplified

 

It started in one of the back rooms of the boat when you caught Cronus giving Tavros pills. You had wanted to say something to them but how could you? How dare you think you have the right to tell him what to do after that. So you went to talk to Eridan about it, but once you looked at his stupid fucking face, and his perfect way of talking, you just wanted to kill him.

 

And a mission of telling him about Tavros relapsing turned into a challenge for your lovers heart.

 

When you had returned inside and saw them talking and laughing together you realized the error was yours, that it wouldn't be a challenge; Tavros's heart was already in his palm.

 

 

That night after the boat ride you went out with Tavros because you wanted to keep an eye on him, for the most part he just stayed at the bar drinking occasionally talking to your friends who were giving him the silent treatment for you. The more he tried to talk to them, the more they gravitated away and the more he drank until he was one sloppy mess in the car ride back to the hotel

 

When you'd gotten in the hotel room, you tried to get him to eat something because he had been running on nothing but drinks and drugs for days and you didn’t want him to end up in the hospital.

 

You had tried getting him into a shower first, you removed his clothes down to his underwear and that's when he said it, “look at you;worthless. You don’t even care about me anymore.” It snapped something inside you, you literally blacked out and the next thing you knew it took a kick to the chest to get your grip off of him, and once he had you down he threw the glass vase at your head but missed and it broke

 

It all happened so fast, you made the mistake of forgetting where you were and who you were dealing with. You forgot that this person is your lover, the one you were supposed to be taking care of. That was part of the problem though, you were tired of taking care of someone who wasn't trying to help themselves

 

You didn’t sign up to be the babysitter of a full grown nineteen year old, you wanted a lover, you needed help sometimes too but who takes care of Gamzee? Who holds _you_ when you cant stop crying huh?

 

You just got fed up, and you pushed him with all your strength and he fell to the floor in a pile of glass.

 

Tavros didn’t move, he hit his head on the nightstand going down and for a moment the love of your life did not move.

 

You waited, terrified of yourself, and terrified of what you had done. And to your relief you heard a small gasp and a whimper from him so small it was like you had assaulted a child

 

The horror of it all, you couldn't take it. You looked around that battlefield of a room, and you saw the makings of a bad life, you saw yourself in jail for almost killing your boyfriend so you ran out of the door slamming it behind you. You, Gamzee, deserted him there

 

You walked around the city, you drank yourself stupid, and in the middle of the night you got a text message

 

_CG: Why did we just have to coax Tavros off of the fucking balcony Gamzee? Huh? What the fuck did you do? What were you thinking leaving him alone? I'm no fucking genius, but he looks like you beat the living shit out of him! Don’t you come back here tonight you dumb fucker, don’t you fucking come back until I have a chance to see if they're calling the police_

 

_TC: Kar, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it_

 

_CG: You never do! All the years I've had to get you out of trouble, bail you out of jail over fights, but Tavros? How could you do that? That kid loves you. I can't do this with you anymore. I won't fight for you this time_

 

_TC: Bro.._

 

_CG: You're on your own. I'll use my money to get you a separate hotel room on a different floor, but that's all I can do. Just stay away_

 

You never thought you would see the day that Karkat gives up on you. Since as long as you can remember you've always had him there to take care of you, to help you with everything and now just like that he was done with you. In that moment you realized that you were like Tavros to him, all the years he wasted taking care of you, even though it was tiring and just like how you came to resent Tavros for always having to care for him, your best friend had now grown tired of you.

 

You waited a few days to try and talk to Tavros again, your friends had shifted their judgments now on you. When you made your way to Tavros's hotel room you saw your friends and not even Aradia was a kind face in the crowd. She looked tired and hurt, she's not someone you ever thought you could disappoint. What if she told Rose and Kanaya everything back home? Could _they_ look at you the same? And Dave, Dave looked at you as if he wanted to kill you but Terezi pulled him away

 

When you went into the hotel room, everything had been cleaned up, and you found Tavros in the bathroom looking small in the big tub like he did the night he came to your house back in New York except this time, you were the one wanting his forgiveness.

 

You were prepared for anything, you were prepared to take blows if he decided to hit you, you were prepared to take the insults if he got angry, but you got told that he fucked Eridan Ampora, and that he liked it, and that he loved you, but he couldn't see you anymore for awhile.

 

And despite all the times he told you he loves you during that conversation, you can't let that resonate. You let the fact that he doesn't want to see you anymore, and that Eridan had touched Tavros stay with you.

 

You tried to justify that you had broken up with him, you had indeed left him all alone with a blow to the head on Valentines night. But sitting in your hotel room now, it's driving you crazy.

 

The constant thought of what he's doing,who's he's with, if he's sleeping with Eridan and whether your friends are laughing at you behind your back about it is eating you up inside.

 

You bought a gun from someone who wanted cash up front and asked no other questions the night Tavros was on the balcony, you had wanted to end it all then too, but you didn’t feel like you had the right once you found out about him nearly dying.

 

You sit on the edge of your bed with it now, you put one bullet inside and put it under your chin, pulling the trigger and hearing the click, playing Russian Roulette until it's at the last one.

 

You cant do it, you're too much of a coward to do it alone. You know you're not thinking rationally but you just have to see him one more time.

 

Tucking the gun in your jacket pocket you race up to his floor and pry your way into his hotel room, he's not there though so there's only one more place. You jimmy the lock on Eridan's door fairly easy and creep inside. It's dark except the faint glow of a purple lamp on the nightstand by the bed. You move closer staring down at them

 

Tavros is curled up in a ball with Eridan's arm draped over him. This should be you, this should be you and your lover but now someone else has taken your place

 

You start to get upset, letting a few tears escape as you stare down at your beautiful boy. He's so perfect, and so precious, you don’t know how you messed everything up so badly. You reach out and trace the bruises on his narrow back in sorrow. He shivers against your touch and moves closer to Eridan.

 

Tavros belongs with you, when you first moved in with him, you thought you had your whole life ahead of you. You thought maybe someday you would marry this boy and now he's laying next to someone new.

 

Your emotions start taking over, you reach in your pocket for the gun. You put more bullets into it putting it to your head first but you decide then and there that you wont go without him. If Gamzee Makara and Tavros Nitram are going down, they're going down together

 

You point the gun to his head, it could be quick, he's sleeping so peacefully he wouldn't even wake up, wouldn't even feel it you bet.

 

Then you get angry at how hard it is to pull the trigger and point it at Eridan's chest. This is all his fault if he had never met Tavros you wouldn't be here now, you could have taken care of Tavros all by yourself if he hadn't come along.

 

You close your eyes; that'll make it easier. You cock the gun ready to pull the trigger. You'll do him, then Tavros, then yourself, and on the otherside Tavros will forgive you. You know he will

 

Your hands start to shake, you're scared.

 

“Do it, do it you coward, shoot me.” Eridan whispers, startling you and making you drop your hand.

You open your eyes to see him sit up and pull the covers over Tavros before laying flat on his back to expose his bare chest.

 

“Kill me if it makes you feel better, if you want to hurt him even more than you already have go ahead and kill me.” You focus on the rise and fall of his chest, the way his hand clasps with Tavros's before speaking again.

 

“I'm ready, what's it going to be Gamzee?”

 

You raise the gun again in anger, but then you can't take your eyes off of Tavros. You know, that if you really love him you'll walk out of there right now.

 

You use the back of your hand that's holding the gun to wipe your eyes.

 

“I'm sorry, I'm so motherfucking sorry.” You whisper before running out of the room. You run until you reach Karkat's door and walk in. He jolts up in bed and glares at you with annoyance before looking down at your hand

 

“What the fuck... WHAT THE FUCK!?” He jumps out of bed and rushes over to you.

 

“I'm not gonna hurt anybody, I wasn't gonna hurt him Karkat I swear. I just wanted to see him one more time.” You put the gun down on the bed and once he's in front of you he slaps you harder than you've ever been hit. You fall to your knees,the taste of blood filling up in your mouth

 

“What were you thinking!? Are you trying to go to jail? Are you trying to die?” He whispers.

 

You wrap your arms around his small waist and bury your face into his shirt.

 

“I'm sorry, I..I didn’t mean it...please Karkat...please I'm so lonely it hurts so bad. I cant live like this, I cant live without you too...I can't” You sob loudly

"What the hell were you going to do?" He sounds scared

"I was going to shoot myself, but..but I couldn't go alone, I can't go without him. I need him, it has to be me and him forever and I was gonna make sure it always would be, but then I couldnt..I couldn't shoot him, and then I couldn't shoot Eridan and...I'm just sorry."

He goes tense for a moment before sighing deeply and petting your head

 

“I know, I know, shhh.” He whispers and pulls you to your feet; moving the gun carefully into the bathroom before helping you into the bed. You can tell he's scared of you, and he's scared of everything you've just said but his instincts as your best friend take over first

 

“I love you.” You sniff, and he crawls in next to you hugging your head to his chest.

 

“I...I know, go to sleep.” He sighs and turns out the light.

 


	25. Chapter 25: Fronds and Anemones

He's sleeping so peacefully, so unaware that life for him was a breath away from being over. This person, surrounded by light and promise, this person who's apart of you almost stopped breathing but what does he know in his peaceful sleep? and you? You didn't sleep at all. When you woke up and saw Gamzee standing there, your initial reaction was fear, fear for you life, fear for your friend because you realized then how out of hand things had become. But the longer you watched Gamzee the more you began to understand him. There was once a time when love made you crazy too, you blackmailed Tavros into staying by your side for that very reason, because people kept walking into your life but no one was staying in

 

 

You did not see a monster or a bad person standing over your bed last night, you saw someone desperate, desperate for love and understanding who didn't like to be alone anymore than you. All in all you know he made bad choices and surely waking up to see a gun is more of a bad dream than a life lesson but it made you understand exactly what Tavros had said when he came to you last night; that you can't decide for yourself who you love, you just do

 

The both of you talked about how you really love each other and because of how much you do you both agreed that don't need to be in a relationship to be in each others lives. He isn't going anywhere, you aren't either, and somehow that's all you really needed to know; that was the point of all of this. Once you saw the way Gamzee looked at him you knew that there are just some things that aren't meant to be tampered with and boy had you been tampering

 

By some design in nature these people are two parts, if you open either one of them up you will only find half the organs, half the bones, the heartbeats, half of everything because they were made as a counterpart to each other. 

 

You found someone who was a part of a set and thought you could have one of them in your life without the other, that will be the mistake of anyone who tries to be with just Gamzee or just Tavros it won't work. These pieces that fit together no matter how many times they fall apart are permanent and you're sure you fit somewhere in there with Tavros too but not in the same way and you're starting to be okay with that

 

This all started because you were lonely, you were a lonely person living a seemingly perfect life. You didn’t have someone to call your own, someone to ask you how you feel about things and what you think; someone to laugh with, someone to fight for. You thought you needed Tavros to be in love with you for him to stay in your life because you didn't think friends we're constant entities that always stuck around whether they found some new love interest or not because that's what past friends of yours were like

 

Now you have this unconditional love that's glowing around you and through you, you don't know anything that feels better than this. The certainty that you won't lose someone is a powerful thing. In more ways than one you grew up on this trip; you thought having sex with your friend would solve everything but doing it helped you both realize it, you challenged a man in love to a game of hearts and nearly got a bullet put through yours because of it. You have grown, you've learned the meaning of love now and it isn't about giving them up, it isn't letting them go its accepting the fact that sometimes there's someone out there better for them than you and if you despite your love still want them to find that person then you have arrived. You've arrived at adulthood, no more kid gloves for you

 

Today you hold these truths to be self evident as the sun comes up and rays of light play peek a boo on the soft and innocent skin of someone you love, you hold this love to be substantial and true forever. You've waken up on the other side now, it's no longer a macho man tug of war with someones heart, this is no longer a game. Your friend needs you to protect him now, you have to put all your feelings and infatuations with him aside because even though you think he and Gamzee belong together the fact of the matter is this guy put a gun to the head of your friend and you can't let that go unanswered for

 

You stand and pull the covers back over Tavros and kiss his mop of brown curls before walking out of the door. When you lock it behind you and turn around Karkat is standing in the middle of the hallway in a long sleeved shirt and his boxers

 

“I was coming to talk to you. Do you have a minute?” You nod and follow him down to the indoor pool where you went the first night you came here, because at this early in the morning it's empty.

 

He sits with his feet in the water smoking and staring into the water, he's not usually this quiet and it makes you nervous so you just stare into space too.

 

“The more and more I do this, the older I feel you know? I was once a separate person from Gamzee believe it or not, I went places by myself, I made meals for one and got myself dressed in the morning without someone else's reflection in the mirror next to mine. And it was fucking brilliant, and lonely all at the same time. I was, walking home from school one day and I didn't want to go home because I was always there alone for hours so I sat by this lake about a mile from my house messing around when I dropped my Crash Bandicoot action figure in the water. My friend from school had given it to me, and I would of felt so bad if I had to tell him I lost it so I tried to fish it out using this stick, I was so sure I would get it you know? And just like that I fell in.”

 

You watch him closely, the look in his eyes tells you he's miles away from where you're sitting.

 

“I can honestly say that everything I knew about not panicking went to shit because before I knew it I was underwater and there was no one around and no one knew where I was so who would find me? I started drowning, I thought I was done for and then someone grabbed me by my hair and pulled me up out of the water and onto the bank.”

 

“Ouch.” You wince.

 

“You bet your fucking ass _ouch_ , as soon as I was able to breathe again I started screaming my head off at this kid, this tall skinny kid in torn up clothes who was smiling at me in the goofiest way but no matter how much I yelled his smile never went away. It shocked me, I stopped yelling and then he hugged me. Just like that, hugging a total stranger, it was the first hug I'd ever let anyone give me. Gamzee saved my life and the first thing I did was yell at him, I decided then that for that reason I would always be there for him no matter what he needed. I didn’t know he would unknowingly hold me to it.”

 

You understand now why their friendship is so close, you almost never see them apart and this is why.

 

“Gamz didn’t have anywhere safe to go, too many fucked up problems at home, eventually when we were older he came to live with me and just like that, I was my brother's keeper. He's had his problems, and I always had to get him out of them. Then there was Tavros, and I thought finally someone to take care of him; I was a little naïve.”

 

“Why do you think that?” He looks at you finally.

 

“Because, when I saw them together I saw something change in Gamzee, he was happier and wanted to do things more. It was like someone turned on a switch in him, and then you came along and my friend was in dark days.”

 

You lower your head a bit, you never thought about how everything you did effected everyone in a way, not just Tavros.

 

“I'm a thousand percent sure that you probably want to kill Gamzee right now, I know I do. Because he's the master of self sabotage, I should know, I am too. That night when Feferi pulled me into the water I knew I would be okay because Gamzee was gonna come and get me out again just like he did before. But after a moment he didn’t come, and you did. I thought, where was his head? And then I knew it was with Tavros. I was a little bit jealous, and that's why I threatened you once I thought Tavros was going to break his heart over you and I was wrong, I'm sorry.” He looks away again, sorry is a rarity with him you can tell so you'll hold onto it

 

“But when he didn’t come for me, I realized we aren't kids anymore. We're not Karkat and Gamzee anymore, he's Gamzee and Tavros, a little fucked up unit that no one understands but those two you know?” You nod a little. He had realized it too, that you and him are the best friends ready to throw yourselves on the line for those two no matter what it costs you because that's the role you were meant to play nothing is a coincidence, nothing is a mistake

 

 

“Yeah, we were trying to fit in where we don't belong any more. Sure they'll always be our fronds but we have to take up a smaller place in their hearts and let them make mistakes or we'll end up resenting them and becoming anemones.” You remember the saying your father once said.

 

He looks at you and narrows his gaze

 

“You honestly had me until the fucking fish joke Ampora, really that was so stupid. Do people other than Feferi actually find that shit funny?”

 

You can't help but laugh then and shrug, it was worth a shot.

 

“Anyway, I think I know what you're trying to say and I agree. I mean I'm not going to ask you not to tell Tavros, or not tell the police, its up to you. I just think you should talk to Gamzee first, he's in my room. If you don't want to I get it.”

 

This is not a plea from someone who just wants to cover their ass or their friends, this is a plea from a friend, your friend.

 

You nod and soon you find yourself in front of Karkat's door. You knock before walking inside trying to look as if you're not shaken

 

Gamzee is sitting on the window seat staring out, his mess of stringy black hair combed back neatly for once, or...neat by his standards.

 

You look around for any sign of the gun, and not seeing it you make your way over to him. He looks up at you once then back out of the window in a trance

 

“Gamzee.” You nod and he pulls his knees to his chest so you can sit down.

 

You're not sure where to begin, or how to tell someone that you're sorry for tampering with their love life, while still decidedly angry that they tried unsuccessfully to kill you.

 

“It wasn't me you know? That guy who came in the room with the...you know. The guy you saw last night, it wasn't me. I mean it was, it's just it was like for a moment I was watching myself do a bad thing and couldn't stop it until I heard what you said. That's what all those fights with Tavros felt like too; watching myself do something wrong and never being able to change the outcome. I'm okay with you calling the police, I'll tell them what I did. You're a good person Eridan, you help people and don’t go around trying to hurt people. Tavros needs somebody like that, not a fool like me.” He picks at the bandages on his arms, he can't look up at you and you can't look at him yet.

 

“I know it wasn't you, otherwise you'd have done it. It's just he's the only person I've ever loved this much other than my own parents, he's wonderful and sometimes horrible all at the same time. He makes you feel like you can do anything, be anything and when he's gone it does your head in.”

 

You look over at him finally and he's nodding.

 

“And I'm not a completely good person, I made mistakes with him too. I tried to take him away from you because he's my friend and I thought you were going to keep us apart. So I played games with his heart and he took the brunt of it from you. I'm not saying I trust you with him, I really don’t, how could I? But I also know that he needs you and I can tell you're sorry. No one does a thing like that who isn't sorry, you just got a bit locked on, we all do sometimes.”

 

“I won't ever hurt him again Eridan, he hits me and he hurts me, and we fight but that's my motherfucking guy, my heart. He's all I up an got, that's my greatest achievement so far is being this, thing with him. I should strive for more I know, I'm just not there yet.”

 

“I know, I thought he was mine too. Tavros, is the love of my life, but not in the same way he is yours. I've got to do what I have to do to keep him from ever waking up with a gun to his head though, you do understand that don't you?” You stand and start walking towards the door.

 

He sighs and nods solemnly before standing and walking over to the phone.

 

“Should you call or should I?” He holds the phone out to you, you have to make a decision Eridan. You have to do something for your friend, something that doesn't have an ulterior motive, something selfless that's not for anything but the best interest of Tavros.

 

You grab the phone from him and pause with your fingers over the buttons, ready to dial the police, he waits patiently and pulls on his shoes ready to go. He's serious, he's willing to give it all up and accept responsibility for what he did, but is it enough? You hang the phone up slowly and walk over and put your hand on his shoulder

 

“My father always says that giving someone a second chance is something better than any gift, better than anything. I've never given it to anyone before, so don't make me regret this.”

 

He stares at you for a minute trying to decide if you're serious, and even though you don't feel that good about it you know it's not for you to be the decider of fates here, you've got to step back and let things happen the way they are supposed to.

 

You hold out your hand to him “Truce, you're a worthy opponent or as Dave might say; you're the winner it is you.” You joke and he looks down at your hand before grabbing you into a hug. You're reluctant at first but hug him back. You can understand how Karkat spent over ten years of his life taking care of someone like him, there's a genuineness there that took you awhile to see

 

 

҉

 

 

“Are you sure you want to do this? It could be pretty bad.” You put your hand on his shoulder as you stand in front of your hotel room.

 

He exhales deeply and nods.

 

“I have to tell him even if he hates me for it in the end, I have to do right by him for once.” that's the most mature thing you thing you've ever heard him say. You take a step back and let him inside, you watch from the doorway as he walks over slowly to where Tavros is laying.

 

You see Tavros's head pop up from the covers and then settle back down once he see's who it is.

 

“Good morning, what's going on?”

 

Gamzee sits down on the bed next to him and folds his hands in his lap.

 

“I've got to tell you something,” he sighs deeply. “last night I...”

 

You close the door and take a deep breath, you don't know how this is all going to turn out or even if this was the right thing to do, but whatever happens you'll be there for him.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter guys


	26. Chapter 26: The epilogue in which you are brand new

The trip to Los Angeles was like a test, a test to see just how thick your skin truly was. People make the mistake often of thinking that they know just exactly who Tavros Nitram is, they think you're just some defenseless, dorky, weak punching bag ripe for the kicking, for the ridiculing, and maybe at one time in your life that was true. Or maybe they thought you were a thing that people used for money, for sex, a drug addict, someone shameless but that was months ago and you left the ghost of that kid on a balcony, and in the folds of hotel bedsheets many miles away.

 

 

It goes without saying that you came back changed in many ways, you loved, you fought, you bled and you got out all that anger you were holding inside. And finally it took that day Gamzee left you in that hotel room alone with what he had done for you to cry out that it would take no more of life trying to break you for you to see that you're finally tame.

 

It wasn't easy, you all packed your bags that day in February and everyone apologized to you for treating you badly before and choosing sides while you and Gamzee were fighting, despite everything you urged them not to cut him out of their lives if they could. He would need friends. 

There were many times after that day that you couldn't get out of bed and you fought Eridan the whole way to therapy but you got through it. You kicked and you flailed there for awhile but as Horuss would say, it all came out in the wash.

 

After the story Gamzee told you with the gun, it wasn't easy to fly back home with him or look at him and there were some days where you just wanted to fight him, and others where you wanted to run to him. The apartment was too empty and even now you can't stand the way your voice echoes through the place whenever you talk to anyone on the phone, this place was never meant for one, and even days that Nepeta stays with you are fleeting because once she goes back home to Equius, you're alone again

 

Summer you think, is melting the ice around your heart, you're learning more and more about forgiveness and how not be bitter or blame yourself or anyone else for everything that happened to you. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships and in life it's all apart of growing up and that is something you've done in the last six months since you've been sober(again).

 

Your parent's came down in May and you had to explain to them finally about your struggles,drug abuse, and where Gamzee was when they asked. It was one of the hardest things you had to do and someday you hope they'll trust your judgment when making decisions again, and especially when picking the person you want to spend your life with.

 

Eridan's been a great friend about everything, taking his time with realizing you'll break out of your solemnness when you can. Despite all the work and business trips he takes these days he never forgets to check on you or send you a text telling you that he's thinking of you or ask you how you're feeling. You don’t think you could have made it through any of this without him there.

 

You call Karkat and the others often catching up on their lives and asking casually how Gamzee is doing here and there. Karkat says that he went to therapy too and is working again but isn't the same Gamzee you knew before in New York and you don't know whether that's good or bad exactly.

 

On Tuesday just after dusk, when the air conditioning broke, you sit hanging out on your balcony straining for any kind of breeze in the night. There's a knock at the door and then you hear the key in the lock knowing that it's Eridan. You gave him a key after you got back here just in case anything ever happened but he rarely ever uses it since you're almost always here to answer the door

 

“Tavros, are you okay?” He calls out.

 

“Yeah I'm fine, air conditioning's on the fritz, I'm just getting some air.” you assure him, he worried a lot when you had come back from the trip that buying you an apartment with a balcony seemed like an error in judgment but you didn't want to move, you've built memories here.

 

 

“Look, I'm going to get you a fan for this place, will you stay and talk to my friend here until I get back.” You hear them come up behind you and you turn around to see a nervous Gamzee and Eridan staring at you.

 

You look at Gamzee first, you haven't seen him in a long time; he looks good, better even. Your gaze falls back on Eridan and you give him a questioning look as if to ask what his angle is here

 

he shrugs and back away towards the door

 

“Great, thanks I'll be back in a bit” He calls and mouths for you to give it a chance before walking out of the door. You turn around grimacing at the city below, now that Eridan isnt trying to win you over he's even more pushy about your love life than he was when he was trying to get in it

 

“Sorry, he didn’t say we were coming here...I, I can go.” you hear him fidgeting behind you and against what your head is telling you, you sigh and pat the spot next to you.

 

“Sit down Gamzee.”

 

He pauses and then moves in next to you, his long legs sliding through the gaps in the railing to swing next to yours.

 

You take out a cigarette and light it, handing it over to him but he refuses

 

“Trying to quit, but thanks.” You raise an eyebrow and put it out, throwing the rest of the pack over the railing.

 

“Me too.” He smiles and you both just stare ahead, listening to each other breathe and occasionally slapping at the mosquitoes eating at you.

 

“How've you been?” You ask finally

 

“I've been, better. I found this you know therapist I like, he's a good guy. I found a new job as a desk clerk it's been bizarre I wasn't used to it, but I like working with other people. And you know the woman I used to work for at the library? Well she retired, and they told me I could come back there to read to the kids any time I want to. My therapist says as long as I go to treatment, he doesn't see why it's not okay. Although it's hard cause you can't call a kid little motherfucker apparently.” he shrugs and you both give each other a look before laughing.

 

When the laughter dies down he nudges you.

 

“What about you, how've you been?”

 

“I've been...coming together. It hasn't been easy, and some days are worse than others but I like where I'm at, it's peaceful up here.” You point to your head. He nods and ruffles your hair that you've let grow out since you last saw each other, no more mohawk; for now anyway.

 

“I miss you.” He mumbles, the words almost get lost in the loudness of the city but you catch it just barely.

 

“I miss you too, we were a fucking mess for awhile there weren't we? It got scary...without you.” You try to joke through the choked up feeling your starting to get and your smile falters.

 

He nods and sits on his hands to keep from fidgeting.

 

After a few more hours of silence Eridan texts you to tell you he'll just bring the fan to you tomorrow because it's getting late and he has a meeting in the morning, you send him a few faux angry messages telling him to but out of your love life. Eventually you both get tired of fighting the mosquitoes and go back inside. You try to find some words that mean anything in the emptiness of the apartment, anything you can say so it feels right again.

 

“Well, I should get back home.” He says awkwardly and hesitates before giving you a quick hug and even though you feel him let go, you find yourself not able to

 

“You are home, if...if you want to be.” You murmur into his chest. This feels scary; the choking feeling is back but it's not the same as before; it's the kind you can put up with the kind that trying not to cry causes and it's okay because the other person feels it too.

 

He pulls out of your grip and stares at you

 

He's going to say no, great, you've finally made the decision to take a chance on this thing and now you're about to be rejected in your own home.

 

“Tav, that's all I up and wanna be, I wanna come home.” He grabs you into a tight hug and sighs deeply into your hair. You cling to him, your breathing a little shaky. You know this won't be easy, it'll take a long time to gain what you once had back and you know it'll take many more sessions in the therapists chair and AA to get you both together again but you can deal with that, you're willing to fight for it if he is.

 

All in all this isn't exactly the life you had pictured for yourself when you came to this city, and this is definitely not what your parents wanted for you, but it's how it was supposed to end up.

 

This is a once in a lifetime do over, a do over of your life that almost ended. This is the other half to your set, the missing piece and all that other cliché but still unapologetically true bullshit. This is falling in love with Gamzee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who commented and left kudos on this fanfic. I honestly appreciate it so much, this was fun to write and made me love these characters even more. I hope it was the same for you
> 
>  
> 
> all my love, KB


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